Feel It

Over the last several days, I've allowed myself to come to a pretty substantial conclusion in my life.

I've not only realized but finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to give in to this void in my heart and make myself hurt through it.

I've spent the last 16 months desperately trying to fill this emptiness with an obscene amount of not-so-fulfilling distractions.

- And not so surprisingly, all those "distractions" have left me feeling even more empty and disappointed in myself.

To have expectations of someone seems to always end in disappointment. - But is it really possible to not have expectations of the people you love and those who claim to love you in return?

Validation has always been something I've struggled with in my life. I tend to seek if from the people closest to me, and even more so from the men that I'm somewhat attached to. - Of course, how can we forget the plethora of "Daddy/Abandonment" issues addressed in my several years worth of therapy, right?

All I want - wait, all I "need" is more like it - after completing something personally challenging is to share that victorious moment with someone that will wrap their arms tightly around me, kiss me on the forehead and say, "Sylvia, I'm so proud of you" but lately, I haven't had many people to share those specific moments with. A phone call, text message or someone clicking the "Like" link on a Facebook status update just pales in comparison.

I remember reading an article on depression somewhere a while back that stated the average person needs 8 to 10 physical touches per day to ward off depression. I think I concur.

"Life's better with company. Everybody needs a co-pilot." - Quote from the movie "Up in the Air."

True. So true. But it has to be the right co-pilot. One that shares your views, your ambitions, your goals, your dreams, your life's wants... One that understands your emotional needs and one that can communicate with you effectively regardless of circumstance.

With all that being said, I'm tired of being disappointed by the unfulfilling people and things I keep investing my time into. So I'm refocusing, yet again. On myself. My family. My last two weeks of school. My business. My health and fitness - which includes my physical, emotional and mental well-being. My creativity and art.

I'm swearing off the plethora of unavailable men I always seem to attract.

I'm cutting back on the alcoholic beverages I consume on a weekly basis - and vowing to only indulge in them in very controlled situations.

I'm going to allow myself to feel the waves of pain that come along with the healing process - and try my hardest to not numb them by indulging in things that only temporarily make me forget.

Instead, each time it hurts, I'm want to attempt to focus that hurt into something positive, like a nice long run, or a bike ride, or a hike in the woods, or unleashing some creativity onto a new canvas.

I know I have to allow myself to hurt and heal before I can truly be ready for whomever it is that God has lined up for me in my future.

Safe In My Own Skin

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.

I just want to feel deep in my own world. - But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. - But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again."

- Honestly OK by Dido

This particular album came out in 1999. I remember listening to it repeatedly throughout 2000.

- Especially this song in particular. For many years to come, actually.

I felt those lyrics - deep in my soul. So much of what I felt for so long - currently still feel - was expressed exactly through those song lyrics.  

Today marked my year anniversary of starting the Aesthetics program. I started an 8 month course of study on this day last year, September 1st, 2009. I will be completely finished with my hours by the close of September at the very latest. It has taken me one year and one month to complete an 8 month course.

When I first got the news from my instructor that I had to return to school for a THIRD trimester, I was completely bummed. - Not to mention the ridiculous amount of money I just had to fork over for ADDITIONAL tuition costs today because my financial aid is still in an appeal status.

However, today was a good day.

I walked to my car after class, rolled down the windows, plugged up my iPhone and hit "Shuffle" as I began to pull away from campus. Low and behold, this song began to play.

Now in the past while listening to this song, I recall always feeling a bit melancholy and generally mellow. - But hearing it today was different.

For the first time in my adult life, I feel safe in my own skin. I am happy again.

I am 31. Divorced. Single - for once in my life and actually looking to stay that way for a while. Mother of one. Student, soon-to-be Aesthetician. A very qualified Nashville Makeup Artist. I'm an avid writer. And as of lately, I'm a painter. I'm a workaholic. I have a wonderful, supportive extended family as well as a handful of wonderful, reliable, supportive friends who love me unconditionally.

Life feels good again.

I've worked so hard for seemingly so long to obtain this sense of confidence in myself and my ability to perform any and all tasks God decides to lay down in front of me that was lost so long ago. There have been so many road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes and detours along the way, and I'm pretty sure there will be many, many more in the future. However, it's a great feeling to finally feel safe in MY own skin. - To feel completely happy again without having to fill any of the voids in my heart with unfulfilling, meaningless vices. - And I ultimately feel pretty well-equipped to handle whatever it is this crazy life might throw at me at any given moment.

That in itself is an inspiration for me to keep chasing my dreams. 

You gotta fall in order to mend.

It seems over the past several weeks, almost every person I've been around has mentioned something about my laugh - some being old friends, some being friends I haven't spoken to or seen in several months - even several years - and lots of random people I've met in passing while I've been out and about over the past few days enjoying my child-free evenings. I even had a hilarious exchange with a sweet girl in the Exit/In bathroom that resulted in an all-out laughing fit between the two of us. The more I laughed, the harder she laughed... so much so, she marched me straight to the bar and bought me a shot because I had "the most fantastic laugh." So funny, yet so very random.

The next day, after a phone conversation with an old friend, he texted me this, "It's nice to hear you laugh. You sound happy."

That's when it all hit me.

I AM HAPPY.

I haven't laughed a lot over the past few years. In fact, I think I cried more in 2009 than I've cried throughout my entire life.

Seriously.

Last year was intense. - Looking back now, I can see it wasn't the relationship that broke me; rather it was everything. Every single thing in my life - had come to a very abrupt, life-altering stand-still. The break up was just the proverbial cherry on top.

I haven't felt peace, security, stability, self-worth, joy - all those things associated with being a truly happy individual in a very long time. The realities of my life along with the abundant stress that came with voluntarily leaving a career as an insurance agent to completely change my career of choice to something most people only dream of doing for a living had finally robbed me of my infectious laughter. Granted, I admit, I allowed it to be taken without a very good fight. However, now that the finish line is within reach, I'm feeling the breeze of the downhill coast.

Don't get me wrong, life isn't all peaches and cream. I'm still stuck in school for 2-3 more weeks, therefore finances are still really tight, but at least I see a reprieve is just around the bend. Thank goodness for that.

It's been a long, hard, emotional journey; but by the grace of God and the unconditional love, support and unfaltering help my amazing family and friends have graciously continued to offer up, I made it through the toughest year of my life.

And for that I am forever grateful and happy.

Unfinished Chapter

Inspired to write, feverishly, fervently even, however, the words aren't eloquently flowing... My head is pounding with pain. A migraine is in the works. My heart is feeling torn between logic and emotion.

The war wages on... though, seemingly, for a lost cause.

Everyone constantly says, "Follow your heart." But what happens when your heart wants something that doesn't want you in return?

- Do you stay vigilant and true to your heart's desires?

- Do you hastily attempt to paste the pieces of your heart back together and move on?

What if you've tried it all?

Numerous times?

Failing miserably at all attempts to move on.

My being vigilant and faithful to my heart, fighting ferociously for my belief in a love so deep against the reasoning of someone so close, but yet, so far gone, repeatedly producing the same results.

So when is enough really "enough"?

I'm stuck in a bad rerun.

I know how it all goes down. I even know when it's all about to happen - every single time. I even understand both sides of the argument, more so now than I ever have.

So why, then, am I still surprised by the waves of sporadic sadness, hurt and disappointment I feel each and every time it happens again? Shouldn't I be numb by now?

I just don't understand it at all. Any of it.

I pray that this relentless, unfaltering love in my heart will eventually release it's hold of me so I that I can peacefully close an unfinished chapter in my life once and for all.

But until that day comes, I have no choice but to remain just as I am. Alone. Driven by the passion of achieving my dreams and being able to provide for myself and for my daughter by being in a career that I will thrive in and more importantly, one that I will absolutely love doing.

"You know when you are following your heart because it will feel right even if your mind is uncomfortable. Every inch of your body -- the very fabric of your soul -- feels alive."

Selfish Dreams

It's days like today where I start to seriously question my purpose in life. I wonder when God made me, what was HIS intention for my life and what I would become??

Everything has been so crazy for so long now. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. First surgery, then my car, then the wait to start school, then a couple of prolonged, random illnesses and last but not least, most recently, the unexpected tuition cost I got slapped with last week. Seriously, will it ever stop?

I've been trying to work and keep busy as much as possible, but these vicious back-to-back illnesses haven't allowed that. Plus, my part-time job at The Market isn't keeping me scheduled. And of course, the artistry industry fluxes so much, that there is always the dip of lows in between the ridiculously busy times.

It seems like the more I try, the further behind I get and seemingly more and more obstacles get thrown down in front of me with each passing day. It's overwhelming - to the point where I just want to hide away from the world and disappear at times. - And I do, on many occasions, I slink away to bed, turn off my phone and just let everything run it's course in my head over and over again until I finally pass out from exhaustion.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I've sacrificed so much to pursue this dream of mine and to make accommodations to do the school thing. I've given up financial security, comfort and luxuries that come with having a good job and not having to worry about money.

My daughter has been the one to suffer the most through this time with me, though she's still too young to understand it all; there have been many times where she's asked me, "Mommy, can we buy this?" and I'd simply have to say no and explain to her that mommy isn't working a lot right now and that we just have to hang tight for a few more months. Thankfully, I have a very sweet child that doesn't throw huge temper tantrums in the middle of retail stores when she doesn't get her way. - There have been several instances where I've had to leave her with friends so that I could work. Thankfully, she's understanding and resilient. - And then there are the many days where I've worked myself sick to the point of exhaustion where she's had to give mommy lots of space and quiet time to recoup. - Thankfully, she's intuitive and loves me regardless.

That's no way for a 5 year old to live. She shouldn't have to carry all that on her little shoulders. So on the days where she gets into a lot of trouble at daycare, like today, in the midst of big transitions, I can't help but feel that I've failed at being a good mom. I wonder if I had been just a little more present lately, would she be acting out this way??

On days like this, I wonder if I'm selfishly chasing a dream without regard for reality. I wonder if this is really my calling. If it will all be worth the struggle and the many sacrifices once I'm finished with school? Will it be a fruitful investment of the time I can't get back with my daughter?

I can usually pray myself out of these kinds of funks, and usually get a reassuring sign that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, but for some reason, this funk is relentless and no obvious signs have surfaced quickly enough for me to recognize any form of light at the end of a very dark, dark tunnel.

So I'm requesting prayers, good juju and prosperity dances be lifted up and sent my way. - Specifically asking for guidance in my life and business, for answers to the many, many questions I have about my future, and for a plethora of patience and grace to keep on keepin' on.

Keep Moving Forward

March has come and gone. What an intense month. My world quite literally, got flipped-turned-upside-down.

It's been one full month plus three days since my surgery. I can honestly say I feel like a new person. This surgery did, indeed, change my life. Praise God for that.

Now, pending another run of extensive blood work at the end of this month, I may actually have some conclusive answers to all of my health issues that have been plaguing me over the past five years. That, in itself, makes my insides flutter with overwhelming excitement.

I've procured a new vehicle with the help of my amazing mom. Yes, I said "Amazing." She does, in fact, amaze me, even despite the obvious stress and frustration she causes me on a very regular basis. The important thing I've had to learn and, more importantly, accept is that despite her very abrasive nature, she DOES love me and she's doing it the only way she knows how to. 

Parenting is a never-ending learning process... sadly it's taken me 31 years to acknowledge that small but simple fact, and yet, even though I am very aware that I will make many, many mistakes of my own with my child; I still am not quite ready to accept that I will often fail at my personal goal of being a mother nothing like my own.

It's been a whirlwind, this life of mine, recently.

Over the past year, I've experienced a wide range of emotions that have shifted my thinking and have forever changed me. I'm talking about complete, utter failure in every single aspect of my life. - Lest we not forget the single, biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced, and evidently, successfully endured and SURVIVED. - And the countless, seemingly unconquerable, obstacles I've encountered during this ridiculously long journey of passionately chasing down my dream for makeup artistry, beauty and fashion.

Being at the start of the downhill side of things now, I recognize that I am, indeed, a fighter. I haven't given up. I haven't quit. I'm making it through, though at times, not as gracefully as I would have liked, but all in all, I'm fighting through it and here I am. 

Renewed. Happy. Hopeful. And ridiculously excited about my future with those people who I am so very lucky to have in my life.

In closing, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Rocky Balboa. "It ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - How much you can take and keep moving forward. - That's how winning is done!"

Lonely Soul

A few very personal resolutions I've decided to work towards in light of the fast approach of my 31st year:

(A) To trust more willingly and freely until given a reason to not do so.

(B) To spend more of my time actually living my life, and less time (1) worrying over things I can not control, (2) fearing the outcome of events yet to happen, and (3) incessantly trying to force MY vision of how I think things should unfold onto myself as well as others I choose to enter into a relationship with.

(C) To get comfortable with being completely alone - with myself, with my plethora of thoughts and emotions and ridiculous self-destructive thought processes. To not feel compelled to fill the void in my heart with meaningless relationships simply to serve as a distraction from the hurt and pain that I still feel even a year later.

And surprisingly enough - sadly enough - all of these are related; they intertwine with one another and constantly feed off of each other on a very regular basis.

I've always had severe trust issues, and even more severe abandonment issues. Five years in therapy and we are fairly positive that they most definitely stem from my father leaving my mother (divorce) and from my mother not protecting me when she should have (sexual harassment/abuse).

With all that being said, theoretically, the two people most anyone would look to for comfort, security and unconditional love would naturally be their parents, right? So what happens when that bond is non-existent? Apparently, obviously, you grow up to be a very emotionally needy, ridiculously insecure little girl who is always looking for reassurance and praise from those she surrounds herself with. - Yeah, unfortunately, that's me in a nutshell. - But what I've realized over the past year, even in the last few weeks, is that most people aren't equipped to be that forthcoming and intuitive with that amount of much-needed affection, reassurance and praise that someone like me might - not "might" - does require.

So what do you do???

Well, in my case, I feel as if I've been spinning my wheels, always trying to make myself "fit" into other people's lives and end up completely ostracizing myself from my own. And, since my last "official" breakup, I've come to realize that even though I knew that particular relationship was headed nowhere long-term, I still felt a need to be needed. - Oh that incessant, undying need to be needed! Gosh, I'm so sick of that! It's been a defining characteristic of mine for as long as I can remember. 

- But I digress, I need to get comfortable with being alone. Plain and simple.

"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone." - Pink 

- Yeah, I need to NOT relate to those lyrics when my phone goes several days without a call from a familiar friend, or when it doesn't double ding with a sweet text from a boy every few hours.

"Contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart." - Natalie Merchant 

- I need to be content with simply staying home - alone - even when my daughter is not here... and I have a functioning car... and a whole night off from school, interning, work and/photo shoots... and several options to do things with friends or even maybe a date.

Yeah... I need to learn how to simply be... Just be.

"Day One, Day One... Start over again..."

Deep breath in... Slow exhale out. 

Funny story, I've always been a writer. Clarity always came to me when I did write... and for awhile there, after I became a mom, I was writing regularly... and it helped me tremendously. But for the last few years, I had completely abandoned that vice. - Deleted my Myspace blog, and pretty much failed to keep up with any of my personal writings there after. The past three years in particular have been trying, to say the very least. 2008 quite literally kicked my rear-end all over the place in every sense of the word. I was taken DOWN. My first real bout with unemployment took place in the latter part of 2008 thus beginning the personal struggle between my heart and my head. Following my heart meant struggling - giving up a career in a field with plenty of job security to pursue my passion. - And as a single mother, this wasn't an easy sacrifice. Not only have I had to sacrifice, but my daughter has had to as well... more than she should have, and that's not something too easy to stomach. 

2009 was a glimmer of hope for me. I swore that 2009 was going to be "MY year." - Boy, was I ever wrong... 2009 - quite literally - BROKE me. I was fired and given no valid reason at all for being terminated which threw me head first into a severe cycle of depression that I just couldn't resurface from. I turned 30. Then shortly after, my relationship with the man I truly saw myself spending the rest of my life with quickly dissolved into something I didn't recognize, nor did I want to recognize it, because recognizing it would have meant that I acknowledge yet another failure in my life. 

I feel, still to this day, that I lost so much of myself over the last year... I am forever altered... forever changed by the events that morphed me into who I am today. I hold no regrets, however, for what I went through last year. I truly believe that had I not gone through those times, I probably wouldn't feel that I am capable of facing what this year - 2010 - brings on now. School was/is/will be my unfaltering goal for this year. I WILL finish this program with flying colors, damn it. But with all the medical stuff that came to head so quickly at the start of this year, it seemed that another road block was bound to happen... and good god, did it ever. 

So, here I am, a week post-surgery, recovering... depressed and uber-dumpy because being productive right now is so not happening, and once again, everything is on hold. I had to withdraw from my program in February... Surgery was scheduled for March 2nd... On March 1st my car decides to die - COMPLETELY DIE - to the point where fixing it isn't even an option. And now, being on the other side of the surgery, I'm recovering... I'm alive - with no car, no work, no school... just me... here... alone with my thoughts and my loopy liquid medication that make me feel more like a mess than I ever have before. 

So... to the point... I'm less than four days away from my 31st birthday... And I still ask myself everyday, "What have I accomplished in my 30 years on this earth??" And my answers are still very much trivial. 

"I'm on a personal mission to better myself in every way possible. - Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I want to be a positive, infectious force." - These words have been on my social networking profiles for several years now, but I guess I never felt completely equipped to make those things happen, all together, all at once... until a few days ago. I'm optimistic that this surgery could potentially change my life. IF it actually does solve all of my medical woes, I think everything else will follow suit without much resistance. 

So I'm starting this blog as a means to record my progress and I invite you to come along with me on this journey to find myself and to discover what it is that I want, what I need, and to address the things I need to work on as an individual so that I can be happy and be an inspiration to those I come into contact with in the future, not for anyone else, but just for me, for my sake, for my happiness and I ask that you hold me accountable for my actions or lack there of. 

I imagine this blog will contain material regarding some spiritual issues, and most definitely mental and emotional issues, as well as an account of my physical changes in future posts... Most of you know that once I recover from this surgery my main objective aside from finishing school is to get healthy physically... so I will definitely keep you guys posted on that. 

So, without further ado... let the journey begin.