Thursday, February 16, 2017

"I try to make the worse seem better..."

Here's another one for transparency...

I've been in a very dark, dark place.

I cry myself to sleep every single night over my marriage failing.

I'm hurt beyond any of my own words can express and I am just so angry.

I don't completely understand why though.

I chose to leave.

Ironically - for my happiness.

But did I really want this?

Did I want to tear my family apart?  No.

Did I want to leave our home and every security I had?  No.

Did I want to feel these awful feelings toward my husband?  No.

Did I want this - divorce - to ultimately be the end result?  No.

Truthfully, by my leaving I wanted that to be a catalyst for my husband to step the hell up and finally really hear what I had been saying for the 3 years prior.

I wanted him to fight for me...  for our family.

I wanted him to SHOW me he was everything I needed and wanted in a marriage.

I wanted him to step up and be the PARTNER I needed in my life for the past 6 years.

But instead of changes for our life together, he made excessive changes to the life he was making without me.

I was given excuse after excuse.

I was made to feel like a lying, cheating whore in our last counseling session.

And finally, this week, I was the recipient of his proverbial "truth bomb" implying that my vagina was the reason for our lackluster sex life.

Needless to say, I'm in shock.

I don't know how to feel or how to react.

I don't know this person at all anymore and wonder if I even really did in the first place.

I've been crying non-stop since Monday.

Since I left in November, almost every night has been spent in my room crying... Either alone or on the phone to a select few of my friends.  Josh being one of those few.

- So let me to quickly address the Josh "situation"... Not that I feel I need to justify anything to anyone, but it's been a sore spot in regards to my marriage for a couple of months now.

I did not leave my marriage because of or for anyone else.

Josh and I have been extremely close for over 20 years.

He was by my side through some of the most horrible experiences of my life, holding my hand, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

Our friendship has always been priority.

Our kids' feelings about the transpiring situation between us is and always will be top priority to us both.

Furthermore, regardless of any feelings that have resurfaced or developed, my happiness has always been his number one priority.

- He's been the one encouraging my desires to pursue marriage counseling and cheering on my attempts at repairing my marriage because he knows me well enough to know that I won't ever be happy with myself - or anyone else for that matter - if I don't do everything in my power to fix what I felt I needed to fix.

He's the one listening to me sob and cry uncontrollably every night over my husband and my failing marriage.

If that's not a good friend, I don't know what is.  - And I know for a fact, regardless of any feelings that exist beyond friendship, his actions would be steadfast and exactly the same as they have always been.

That's Josh.

He's one of my best friends.

We want to do everything the right way for the sake of our kids - and for my own sanity's sake...

Meaning:

I want to know in my heart that I did everything I could have done to save my marriage.

I want to know that I left for all the right reasons.

I want to show my kids that I will fight for my happiness - even if that means we have to sacrifice certain comforts in life temporarily.

I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, provide a home for my kids and be okay on my own - instead of jumping from one unhealthy, unfulfilling living situation with a man into another out of convenience or necessity.

- All that to say, I'm still in a dark place emotionally.

My emotions are erratic and completely all over the place.

I've thought and considered things I never thought I would ever think.

I don't recognize the person staring back at me.

I'm angry as hell and full of so much hate and it's absolutely sucking the life out of me.

All I can do consistently right now is sleep and cry...  I can pull myself together for work most days, but the first time someone asks me about my personal life, the facade fades and I crumble.

My kids see me cry everyday.

My daughter is so strong.  I'm so very grateful for her.  When she sees me crying, she swoops in to grab her brother and then they start laughing together; and for a brief moment, the tears stop, my heart swells and I'm able to laugh through the tears.

Family.
Quality Time.
Laughter.
Friendship.
Communication.
Partnership.
Love.
Ambition.
Passion.

Those are all priorities in my life.  It's what I want.

I'm not there yet... but I will get there eventually.

I just keep telling myself this every single night:
 
Give it to God and go to sleep...

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