Quarantine Reflections

It's no big secret that I’m guilty of keeping myself so busy.

I am constantly juggling so many full plates.


So what happens when the world gives you no other choice but to S   L   O   W down?


This quarantine has helped me see a lot of things differently than I had before.


The first being:
I have ZERO business teaching children. MAJOR props go out to all the educators in my life - and in the world. The patience you all exhibit on the daily is mind-boggling. You all are amazing, saintly people.


When the busy-ness of the world stops all together, what's really left in your life?

I'll tell you what: The important stuff. The people in your life. YOUR PEOPLE.

Your kids. Your family - blood related (or in my case - mostly - not). Your friends.

The people who make it a daily thing to check in and make sure that you are really doing okay.


There’s no doubt that I am *beyond* ready to get back to work, and to get back to a sense of "normalcy" in life - but it won't be at the expense of my friendships. In a time of crazy uncertainty and strict social distancing, it's kind of amazing to me that my friendships have grown so much stronger over the last 2 months.

When the entire world shuts down, your job - or work - isn’t there to give you comfort, or cheer you on, or allow you to complain, vent, laugh, cry - or all of the above - together (via Marco Polo) - but your friends are.

That being said, I am so thankful for technology.

I can not even begin to imagine going through this kind of thing back when dial up internet was the "it" thing - before laptops, and high speed internet, Wifi, and affordable cell service - SMART phones (remember when texts used to cost .25 cents per text?!?), and Netflix (and alllllllllll the other streaming platforms), and Amazon Prime, and all the virtual meeting programs and apps that help us stay "connected" to one another. We are so very fortunate.


This quarantine has definitely made me rethink my priorities.


College-ing during this quarantine has definitely been more of a challenge than I had anticipated.  -Heck, who am I kidding, my whole adult college experience has been way harder than I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea it would be this freaking hard.

The transition to all online mid-semester has been an utter train wreck. I've cried and cried - and cried some more - over my grades, the material I'm required to know, the inability to study & stay caught up all the while trying to educate my own kids. The feelings of incompetence, inadequacy, and extreme MOM GUILT are a very real, daily struggle. It's been so hard.


I've got to learn to give myself some grace.

My classes are insane. The material is so overwhelming and it's all being crammed into this last week of classes, then it's finals the week after.

My kids are bored. My autistic son doesn't understand why we can't go places like we normally do or buy special toys anymore. They're cooped up in this tiny house with no space of their own to retreat to.

It's all been a stressful culmination of events with the added stresses of still having bills to pay with little to no money coming in and no real knowledge on when we'll all be able to work again.


Have I yelled and screamed at everyone in my house more often than normal?
Absolutely.

Have I cried on the daily?
Yes.

Have I had more frequent days of staying in bed - literally all day - when the kids are with their dads - because my emotional and mental health felt completely depleted?
You bet your bottom, I did.

Have I gained weight due to my lack of exercise and stress eating?
One look at my additional chins should tell you that is NOT a lie.

Could I have handled the hurtful, and stressful situations I have encountered lately better?
Absolutely yes.


I fail at things daily... multiple times a day.  I feel each and everyone of those failures tenfold - especially when it involves lashing out at my kids and loved ones.

It's hard. I feel a lot of guilt. I feel like an inadequate mom more often than not these days.

But I'm trying to give myself a daily reminder - and my friends have been great at reminding me too - that this situation wasn't anything we could have adequately prepared for. It's okay to be a Hot Mess. It's okay to breakdown. It's okay to lose your temper. It's okay to not have all the answers.


We're doing the best we can.

You're doing the best you can.

I am doing the best I can,

... and that is all that's being asked of us to do.

Real Talk: Parenting + Autism

My oldest is loud, boisterous, energetic, dramatic, spastic, and silly about 99.7% of the time.

She’s rarely ever quiet... unless she’s asleep or not feeling well.

I love that about her.

She makes me laugh constantly - even when I’m mad or frustrated with her, I can’t help but laugh at some of the silly things she does or says.
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My youngest has sensory issues.
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Tonight I experienced a real LIGHT BULB Moment:

Her loud, overly-dramatic, hyper-activity - more often than not - triggers his sensory issues.
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No wonder life seems so stressful and chaotic when we’re all home together.
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When they leave for their dads’ - I tend to hole up in my bedroom to decompress and sleep as much as I can.  I didn’t understand why I felt so depleted or why I could literally stay in bed all. dang. day. on the days they weren’t here if I didn’t have work or school stuff to get me out of bed.  I didn’t understand any of that until tonight.

What started as a mildly stressful evening quickly escalated to an uncomfortable tension that ended with all of us being sent to separate corners of the house for a few minutes to regroup and decompress.

A Positive that came from it:
I opted to turn it all into a teachable moment.
I had her look up “sensory issues” and “autism”.
I made her read what she found out loud and then asked her what she took away from what she had just read.  I asked her to apply it to her and her brother.

I shared with her some of the thought processes and constant worries I struggle with privately.
- Daily worries about his nutrition.
- Daily worries about his safety.
- Daily worries about his education and his future.

I told her about the process I started months ago of trying to get her brother qualified for other therapies outside of school to increase his chances of living and leading a normal life.
- Endless phone calls, emails, and applications.
- Incessant research for information and resources.
- The constant worry of: Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing enough?
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Tonight could have easily been a train wreck.
We all could have gone to bed angry, hurt, frustrated, and sad.
But because I was able to share some of my biggest fears, concerns, and failures as a mother with my daughter, things were diffused from a place of utter frustration to a place of understanding.
I’m blessed that she was open to listening.  She truly wanted to gain a better understanding about her brother’s issues.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
Mom-ing ain’t easy, but I am feeling so lucky that I get to be their Mom.