Issues

Maintaining relationships - even friendships - take a fair amount of work.

Whether it be calling, texting, writing emails or even letters -- all of those things typically happen on a semi-regular basis in order for the people involved in those "relationships" to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been a craptastic friend at times.  But to the few true friends that I have now - presently - I've tried my hardest to maintain those connections and friendships.

- And for the most part, those efforts put in by me have been matched - if not completely exceeded - by the other party.

Don't get me wrong, there are those few special friendships where you can go ridiculously long amounts of time without talking or seeing each other, and then just pick up right where you left off.  I have maybe 2 or 3 long-time friendships like that.

But that's not what this particular entry is about, per se...

It's more about marriage, divorce, and dating... the wretched transition to one or the other.

I was filling out employment paperwork the other day for another job I'm picking up for the holidays.  The standard stuff.  Name, address, social security, blah-blah-blah.

Then they ask who your emergency contact is...

If that question doesn't instill immediate panic into your heart, I'm assuming you're happily married or have supportive, reliable family near by.

Before 8 years ago, I believe my former mother-in-law was listed as mine. -  Or my first former husband - because we shared custody of a child together.

- Eventually, I began putting several names and numbers of people I felt would come to my aid should an emergency arise:  Dianne, Heather, Larry, Karla, Jen.

But I digress...  the form asked for a current emergency contact.

I didn't instinctively list one.

I went through my mental list - person by person.

I fought with myself as to why I chose the person I chose.  - That person being Xander's dad.

It wasn't so much the act of still selecting him as my "Person" - but the part that came after.

They asked what their relation to you is.

As I thought to myself, I selected the drop down box to see what my options were.  - And I'll be darned if  "Ex-Spouse" wasn't one of the options to select.

I don't know why, but that has been sitting so heavily with me as of late.

I remember when I was still married and fighting to make it work.  I would hear all the stories from my younger coworkers about dating and things like that.  My response would always be, "Man, I'm so glad I'm married and don't have to deal with that garbage."

But now, here I am...  just another scared, little girl with major abandonment issues, severe daddy issues, and an exuberant amount of emotional baggage looking for some glimmer of hope that my "person" is really out there.  - That one person who understands your issues, can identify with them, and be sensitive to them without being a complete douche-canoe.

Life is a constant transformation.  I can't get over how much I've done and accomplished in just one year's time.  But even despite those triumphant victories, I'm still very much a hot mess of a girl just trying to survive for herself and for her 2 kids.

Divorce sucks.  - But even in the constant state of worry, panic and anxiousness I'm in on a daily basis, trying to do all of this on my own, I know I'd rather be mildly stressed out and unhappy completely by myself than unhappy in a mediocre marriage or relationship that doesn't fit where my life and goals are heading.

The truth is out there.  I believe.

- But until that truth presents itself to me, I'll just be over here drinking bottles of wine and spilling my feelings out via my personal blog -  all by myself while the kids are in bed and the dogs are sprawled out and snoring beside me.

Still Breathing

I'm alive.

And that says something.

Something HUGE.

It means I survived one of the hardest, most difficult years of my life.

Today will be my first Thanksgiving in 8 years without my former husband or his family.  He'll be picking Xander up around 1pm today.

It wasn't my job to make the turkey this year.

I have to make one casserole to take for a Thanksgiving dinner later this afternoon.

- Then I have to head to the mall to work.

I've split holidays with Emily's father for as long as I can remember, but this time around with Xander, it just feels different.

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.

- But looking back on things and reflecting, I saw issues that started within a few months after we married.  - Issues I tried to overlook and make work, knowing deep down that those qualities and characteristics weren't going to fly long-term with me.

All in all, I didn't want this for my life.

But the truth is, I didn't want that for my life either.  "That" being: A mediocre, unfulfilling marriage where I felt unappreciated, unheard and unloved much of the time.

I've spent much of the past year dissecting and analyzing myself.

I think I've finally made peace - only fairly recently - with the fact that my marriage failed.  Even though I'm the one that chose to leave, I still struggled everyday with that decision.

Much of this past year has been spent in survival mode.  I threw myself into my kids and work.  Not taking any time for myself.  I just wanted to be okay not only for my kids but for me, too.

So even though today is a bit of an adjustment for me, and I am feeling dumpy about not being able to be with my kids and my former family of in-laws whom I miss and still love dearly, I'm thankful for today.

I'm thankful for my other family of former in-laws who are still very much family to me.

I'm thankful for these early morning hours that I'm able to just snuggle and cuddle with Xander while his sister is still asleep before he leaves this afternoon. 

I'm thankful for God's timing.  - Everything panned out as well as it could considering all the crappy circumstances surrounding the sale and purchase of this house that is now our home.

I'm thankful for my girlfriends.

I'm also thankful for my Girl Tribe of fellow Boss Babes who have all been where I'm at or are going through something similar right now.

I'm thankful for my job(s)...  Even though it's going to suck having to work tonight and early tomorrow morning, I'm super thankful for the girls I have at The Market and that I'm able to keep my mind occupied by working, instead of hiding in the confines of my home, alone, drinking wine and watching uber-depressing movies, and ugly crying without shame or judgement.

I'm just thankful for so many things.

It's hard to be sad when you've been blessed in so many other ways.

Today won't be easy, but it will be okay.

No More I Love Yous

November 1st marked the one year anniversary of leaving.

So much has happened.

So much has changed.

So much of myself is being rewired, reprogrammed, and rewritten.

I closed on Karla's house the last week of July.  I'm now officially a homeowner.

I've thrown myself back into my workaholic ways.  I started back at the Market in August after a 6 month hiatus.  I've stopped scheduling days off.  I work to keep my mind focused and to keep myself out of trouble.

Emily switched schools this year and is adjusting to being a 7th grader at a normal public school pretty well.  I think she's happier.  Her father and I are too.

Xander started speech therapy in a group setting with 3 other kids in August.  He goes for an hour and a half every Tuesday and Thursday.  This has helped tremendously in easing my worries over my non-verbal child.  He's smart as a whip, and is definitely understanding everything we say to him. He knows his body parts, letters - upper & lower case, can identify colors, animals and the sounds they make.  All age appropriate milestones.  He just won't physically open his mouth to say words.

My daughter is almost 13...  the dreaded "Teen" stage...  She's been going through, what I like to call the "Turdy Tween" stage for a couple of years now.  - Mild attitude.  - Some arguing and talking back.  - Stomping off to her bedroom and slamming doors in my face.  - But overall, she's always been - and still is - a very good kid.

This transition has been hard on me.  More so than I've let on.

She used to look at me like I was a total ROCKSTAR.

THE coolest Mom on the planet.

- Now she's embarrassed to be seen with me.  She pulls away when I try to love on her or even when I just want to touch her arm or pet her back.  She never tells me she loves me anymore unless I tell her first.  She doesn't need me to tuck her in at night anymore.  She doesn't need me to fix her hair or kiss her boo-boos away anymore.  It completely sucks. Seriously THE worst.

I jokingly said a few years ago, right after Xander was born, that it was perfect timing.  Xander would be super sweet, cuddly, affectionate, and tell me all the wonderful things Emily used to say to me by the time she hit the "Turdy Tween" stage.  She was almost 9 years old when Xander was born.

Xander will be 4 in December.  The only words I've actually heard him say with his mouth open and enunciating is "Clock", "Pop", "Cheese" and "Taki" - yes, as in Taki's - those awful, spicy chip-rod-things all the kids are obsessed with these days.

I have yet to hear him say "Mommy".

I've never heard him say, "Mommy, I love you so much."

- Or "Mommy, you're so beautiful."

- Or "Thank you, Mommy."

He's affectionate, but he's also a high-energy 3 year old toddler boy who thinks his mom is his personal jungle gym.  So I get climbed on, jumped on and launched off of more than I'm getting snuggles and cuddles these days.

It's hard.

Most days, I'm okay.

Some days I am not.

- Then mix a freaking divorce on top of all of that...

Deep Breaths.