Issues

Maintaining relationships - even friendships - take a fair amount of work.

Whether it be calling, texting, writing emails or even letters -- all of those things typically happen on a semi-regular basis in order for the people involved in those "relationships" to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been a craptastic friend at times.  But to the few true friends that I have now - presently - I've tried my hardest to maintain those connections and friendships.

- And for the most part, those efforts put in by me have been matched - if not completely exceeded - by the other party.

Don't get me wrong, there are those few special friendships where you can go ridiculously long amounts of time without talking or seeing each other, and then just pick up right where you left off.  I have maybe 2 or 3 long-time friendships like that.

But that's not what this particular entry is about, per se...

It's more about marriage, divorce, and dating... the wretched transition to one or the other.

I was filling out employment paperwork the other day for another job I'm picking up for the holidays.  The standard stuff.  Name, address, social security, blah-blah-blah.

Then they ask who your emergency contact is...

If that question doesn't instill immediate panic into your heart, I'm assuming you're happily married or have supportive, reliable family near by.

Before 8 years ago, I believe my former mother-in-law was listed as mine. -  Or my first former husband - because we shared custody of a child together.

- Eventually, I began putting several names and numbers of people I felt would come to my aid should an emergency arise:  Dianne, Heather, Larry, Karla, Jen.

But I digress...  the form asked for a current emergency contact.

I didn't instinctively list one.

I went through my mental list - person by person.

I fought with myself as to why I chose the person I chose.  - That person being Xander's dad.

It wasn't so much the act of still selecting him as my "Person" - but the part that came after.

They asked what their relation to you is.

As I thought to myself, I selected the drop down box to see what my options were.  - And I'll be darned if  "Ex-Spouse" wasn't one of the options to select.

I don't know why, but that has been sitting so heavily with me as of late.

I remember when I was still married and fighting to make it work.  I would hear all the stories from my younger coworkers about dating and things like that.  My response would always be, "Man, I'm so glad I'm married and don't have to deal with that garbage."

But now, here I am...  just another scared, little girl with major abandonment issues, severe daddy issues, and an exuberant amount of emotional baggage looking for some glimmer of hope that my "person" is really out there.  - That one person who understands your issues, can identify with them, and be sensitive to them without being a complete douche-canoe.

Life is a constant transformation.  I can't get over how much I've done and accomplished in just one year's time.  But even despite those triumphant victories, I'm still very much a hot mess of a girl just trying to survive for herself and for her 2 kids.

Divorce sucks.  - But even in the constant state of worry, panic and anxiousness I'm in on a daily basis, trying to do all of this on my own, I know I'd rather be mildly stressed out and unhappy completely by myself than unhappy in a mediocre marriage or relationship that doesn't fit where my life and goals are heading.

The truth is out there.  I believe.

- But until that truth presents itself to me, I'll just be over here drinking bottles of wine and spilling my feelings out via my personal blog -  all by myself while the kids are in bed and the dogs are sprawled out and snoring beside me.