Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married."

So I've been struggling with myself about whether or not I wanted to blog about this.

I've sat down at my computer several times over the past few weeks, typed out a few beginning lines, only to rethink and abandon the whole idea all together.

However, I do feel a few things need to be officially stated - after all, the news was outed to most of our friends via Facebook by accident (completely NOT how we wanted everyone to find out) and then was further spread by the immaturity of an individual who obviously lacks the ability to go directly to the source of the matter for answers - who instead opted to text all of Alan's friends to try to get the 411, thus spreading our personal business all over the city of Nashville. - Classy, I know, but that's beside the point.

So here it is:

Alan and I ARE, in fact, in the early stages of planning our wedding.

And for all you naturally pessimistic people out there - NO, I am NOT pregnant - not that it would be any of your business if I were anyhow.

Yes, we haven't been dating very long. However, we both feel that God placed us in each others lives at the right time. Had He done so before then, neither of us would have been ready.

Alan hasn't officially proposed in the typical, cliche fashion, and that's part of the reason we didn't want to go public just yet. He stated that he wanted to wait to tell everyone until he could put a ring on my finger. However, he has formally asked me to be his wife and I've graciously accepted.

Originally, we were planning for October 8, 2011. However, the more we discussed plans and as family and friends started finding out, we started to consider bumping the day up. - Especially since just about everyone we've told, including his parents, have asked us one of the two following questions: 1. "Why are you waiting so long?" or 2. "Are you even going to be able to wait that long?"

So we've officially settled on April 9th, 2011 for the big day.

Here's what I do know:

We seriously considered going to the courthouse or hopping a flight to Vegas, however, we both agreed that we want our family and friends to be a part of the celebration... especially Emily. Alan stressed how he felt it to be so important that Emily be an active part in the ceremony, because, after all, he's not just marrying me, he's ultimately marrying her too. - Those were HIS words, not mine. - So, so sweet.

That, and he also wants me to feel like a Princess for a day... my first wedding wasn't a fairytale by any means. Emily was not even a month old. I was in the midst of postpartum depression. And to top it all off, I had come down with a wicked mastitis the very morning we went down to the Wilson County courthouse to get married. - Hardly picturesque.

So, I am going to have my hair and makeup done by a professional and I will be donning a white, uber-girlie wedding gown. (Preferably one that doesn't cost a fortune.) ;) - Ahh, if only Ross sold wedding gowns, right, Karla??? ;)

It's going to be a pretty low-key ceremony... Still deciding on where. Definitely outdoors though. 100 guests at the most.

Emmy will be walking me down the aisle and "giving me away" - though she stated she's only allowing Alan to "borrow" me for the day. For this exchange, Alan and I have to provide Emily a "dowry" of a new kitten. - But only because Alan has promised to take care of the litter box. ;)

Two - Maybe Three Bridesmaids - Karla, Sandy and Teri (if they all accept).

And a corral of flower girls. (Two being Alan's nieces and the other his good friend's little girl.)

Still looking for an officiant to perform the actual ceremony but Alan and I will be writing our own wedding vows.

As for the reception, it will be very low-key and minimal... NO ALCOHOL... Mostly light refreshments, hors d'oeuvres and of course, wedding cake.

Maybe a dj, maybe not... If it's up to Alan, definitely not. He refuses to dance like a dork with me. He doesn't quite understand just how uber-cool my dance moves are. ;)

And that's all I've got for now.

I'm not going to lie, I am a bit overwhelmed by all the good things happening in my life right now. God has definitely been showering me with blessings left and right. It's been a wonderful, exciting whirlwind.

My freelance business is keeping me CRAZY busy... so much so, that I don't even know what to do with myself most days.

I've been afforded an AMAZING opportunity to use my Aesthetics training by my wonderful-friend-uber-amazing-business-associate-part-time boss, Lynette, over at The Wax Pot Studio.

I have been continually blessed by my wonderful extension of family and friends here in Nashville that keep me grounded and focused on what's important; who love me in spite of my many, many flaws (especially the few of you that had to find all of this out by FB gossip a few weeks ago and thoroughly reamed my butt for not telling you such HUGE news personally - you guys know who you are!)

- And to top it all off, I've met THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

It's been a GREAT year!! Didn't I say 2010 was so going to be MY year!?!? - Though, I have a sneaking suspicion that 2011 will be even better!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


When thinking of song lyrics to associate with this particular blog entry, David Bowie sang it best.

Changes. Lots and lots of changes.

First and foremost, I'm finally finished with school!! Praise the great Lord above!! I made it. I survived. It may have taken me 13 freaking months to finish an 8 month program, but I DID IT.

This time last year I was barely on the other side of a completely debilitating bout with depression. School saved my sanity. As much as I've hated being there since I returned after my surgery, I can honestly say my completion of the program has been bittersweet.

- Now I'm in the process of transitioning into an Aesthetics position at The Wax Pot Studio. - Initially, I had thought we would be in the 12th Ave South area of Nashville for at least another year, however, in November we will be moving to a new location in the heart of downtown Nashville because the building we're renting out of is being sold.

Also within the past week, came another major unexpected turn of events. I was offered a position as Office Manager / On-site Hair & Makeup Stylist with R. Tracy Photography Studio. I've worked with Tracy a handful of times. He's one of the 3 Nashville photographers that if my phone rings and it's their name on the caller id, no matter what I'm doing, I will answer the call.

He said he had an "epiphany" of some sort at 2am one morning that I was the missing link to his proverbial dream team. - Crazy. Out of nowhere, last Tuesday morning, he calls me and starts firing off questions about my career goals, my schedule with my daughter, my general availability. - Then says he needs to talk to his business partner, hangs up and calls me back ten minutes later to ask me to come talk about the position that afternoon.

I go in for a second meeting on Friday to talk about compensation, hours, job duties and I'm thinking he's going to give me a couple of days to think about accepting the position, but when I get there, he has me clock in... Holy cannoli. Just like that, I'm on the payroll.

I'm overwhelmed. I stay for a couple of hours, clock out, go home and immediately start praying, weighing my options and completely stressing myself out worrying over how I'm going to meld yet another job into my ridiculously crazy schedule and how it will effect my situation/dynamic with Lynette over at The Wax Pot. - That night I basically talked myself into not taking the position.

Saturday rolls around, and I'm still telling the few people that I've mentioned the whole ordeal to that I'm not going to take the position.

Sunday, during lunch with my family, I again state that it's just not going to be what I need or want.

Sunday afternoon, while watching Emmy play at the park, I start weighing the pros and cons once again. I decide I just need to get Lynette's opinion on the matter. So I text her and ask her to give me a buzz later that evening so we can chat.

Well, needless to say, after speaking to her about the whole situation, I felt confident that it was all going to work out. - Seriously, what's that saying, "We plan, God laughs." I can't agree more.

So... Monday was my last day of school. Today, being Tuesday, I started my new job at the photography studio. I've dedicated this week to working there, learning my job duties, and just getting acclimated to my new surroundings and schedule. I am planning to spend some time getting my temporary treatment room set up at The Wax Pot at some point so I can hopefully be able to book clients two days a week starting next week.

I don't even know what to say. Everything is crazy amazing right now. - My love life being no exception.

It's been no mystery that I've totally been on an "Anti-Boys" kick lately. However, despite my best efforts to remain a singular individual, I have met someone who has been able to completely infiltrate my defenses and sweep me off my feet. It's been a wonderful, amazingly refreshing surprise. I feel like such a silly girl... and as stupid as that makes me feel, I can honestly say it feels so, so good to be this excited over someone again.

It's crazy to see the difference one ridiculously awful year can make. - I did it though. - I survived. - And now my life is so amazingly good. - Furthermore, most importantly, I know that I deserve it.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

"And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."

I've never been one to gush publicly about my relationships. - I don't get it at all. - I can write and write so freely about all the traumatic happenings that took place in my lifetime, but when it comes to being completely vulnerable with my heart at the mercy of a man, I have much difficulty articulating what I feel.

- Jaded? - Oh, yes, absolutely.

- Disappointed/embarrassed by the failure of past relationships? - Goodness, yes.

- Scared to death of jinxing things? - Yes, yes, yes!

I guess in my mind, it's so hard for me to open up about the personal things in my life, new relationships in particular, because I'm pre-programed to expect them to fail miserably, especially when everything else in my life is going so unbelievably well. I'm always waiting for the proverbial ball to drop. Good things just don't happen to me all that often. - So instead of screaming at the top of my lungs that I'm completely taken by a boy in the middle of a crowded street, I wait till it's pulled out of me by someone close.

Case & Point, Monday morning's conversation with my best friend who I affectionately call "The Bastage." We talk almost every morning as we make our separate ways into work and school in the midst of rush hour traffic.

He had obviously read my latest blog post from last Sunday, because he lead into the conversation with this, "So... what's new??? I see you have a new boyfriend?"

I laughed it off and said, "Sort of, yes, I've met someone," and then proceeded to tell him about the strange happenings surrounding our official meeting.

When I finished, he said, "Well, thanks for making me pull it out of you."

This made me sad. - For a handful of reasons really.

One - being I haven't even talked to my close GIRLfriends about it. Basically, the only people that knew were the girls I'm in class with 5 days a week. It was obvious to them that something had shifted especially because being stuck in the eternal purgatory I like to call "Aesthetics School" had suddenly become more tolerable. - I suppose it was easier to talk to them about it because they don't know the gory details of my last heartbreak or my ridiculous dating habits.

Two - being the realization of just how skittish I have become when it comes to love, true intimacy (the non-physical kind) - and meaningful relationships.

Three - when did being in a relationship become such a source of social discomfort for me? When did I start making my relationships something to be embarrassed of? - Or fear being judged about? - I'm guessing since my last real relationship failed so miserably, it has pretty much marred my views on what love actually means.

I loved a man so completely, and he claimed to love me just as much, but yet how we showed those feelings never aligned. Our views and actions were so non-congruent that even today, I'm still so confused by it all. I mean, really, how can you feel someone is so completely right, even in the midst of all the horrible things that happened, and in reality be so, so completely wrong for you??? How do you allow yourself to get to a point where there's absolutely zero proof that it was ever right in the first place, yet you still believe it to be so?

- Brings me back to Albert Einstein's definition of insanity. You know, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But I digress, if you're in love, shouldn't you naturally want to tell the world? Why am I so scared to tell people that I am, in fact, excited over this one?

In my many, many years of dating, I have never had a man be as transparent as he has been. - Even in the face of adversity, he's made it public knowledge that he's completely stupid over me. There are no doubts in my mind as to what he feels. There are no awkward dating "do this, don't do that" rules to abide by and no confusing "guy code" to decipher. It's all a very nice, and very welcomed change.

Furthermore, on the other side of things, meaning "My Side" - not once has my "date safe protocol" been implemented. - No red flags have been thrown. - No sudden, over-powering urges to bolt in the opposite direction and never look back have surfaced. - Mostly, because I know even if I tried to run at this point, I wouldn't get very far. - That in itself, is HUGE for me.

So, with all that being said, I'm attempting to take refuge in these lyrics: "And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. - And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears." - After the Storm by Mumford & Sons.

Maybe, just maybe, that time has come...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

"Runaway as fast as you can."

So maybe I lied...

I know my public blog has been fairly quiet, but the same can not be said about my personal, private journal.

Most of you know that I've been on an exuberantly embarrassing, uneventful relationship streak over the past year and a half. Furthermore, it wasn't till a month ago that I realized just how ridiculously ridiculous it had actually become. - So much so, I decided I should take a much needed breather away from dating, boys, drinking and all the other stuff that goes along with unhealthy coping practices.

Allow me to elaborate a little: The stand I took behind the ending of my last short-lived "relationship" with a man who was in theory "PERFECT" for me on paper, was that I just didn't have the time to devote to a full-on relationship in between juggling all of the following: being a mom, a student, an intern, a business owner and even a part-time employ - not to forget attempting to maintain the balance in my relationships with my friends. I concluded that I just didn't have time for a boyfriend.

As weeks went by, I began realizing that it wasn't that I didn't have the time, it was more like I didn't want to give up that time for something I wasn't 100% into. The reality of it was, my heart just was not in it at all. Sure, I loved him, but I wasn't by any means, in love. And that makes a world of difference when dealing with matters of the heart. When you're in love, you want to make accommodations, you want to re-prioritize, you want to make them fit.

Allow me to elaborate a little further on another related subject: My dating M.O. and my "In-Love" record.

Okay, sure, I've dated... a lot. It seems that I'm always the one with a new "boyfriend" or "crush". What can I say, I suck at casual dating. I would much rather be in some sort of committed agreement, even if it's very light, rather than having to worry about the safety and sanctity of my body. - Granted, rarely are these encounters substantial, nor do most span longer than a few months. - Mostly because I am a classic example of an emotional "Runner". I am someone who over analyzes, thinks entirely too much about the future well before the future should even be thought about, throws up Red Flags left and right early on and then runs away never to look back.

Not only am I a runner, I also have a "Date Safe" Protocol. Which basically means, the men I choose to date are usually men I feel could never hurt me. They almost always have some minor character flaw that I just can't get past which conveniently stops me from moving forward emotionally in the relationship. - Whether it be an awkward set of social skills, ridiculous eating habits, frivolous spending habits, the state of cleanliness of their living space and/or even the simple fact of them not being all that easy on the eyes - all have been superficial reasons for throwing a red flag in my quest of finding (more like, avoiding, really) Mister Right. All in all, this has almost always been my "modus operandi" when choosing to date someone: Date safe.

There have been a few exceptions to the rule; the very few times I did let my guard down. Names have been changed to protect those guilty of wrecking havoc on my heart.

Love #1
: I shall call him "The BFF" - It was mid-2000, I was 21. Working two jobs - both of which I loved, not because I needed to work as hard as I did. I had just moved into an apartment of my own in Panama City, Florida.

Since I was 16, working at a local music store in the mall, "The BFF" was pretty much a best friend to me. After I graduated in 1997, he moved away from Florida and we lost touch for about two years. After my father passed in 1999, we reconnected.

We decided to date - despite it being long distance - in October 2000. By December, I uprooted myself from my comfort zone and moved across several states to be with this man.

I won't go into details as to all the things that went wrong in my very short stay there, but none-the-less, things went straight to hell in a hand-basket and by March of 2001, my old roommate, Amy, along with my Ruby Tuesday manager had driven across several states to pick me up and bring me all the way back home to Florida.

I don't know if he actually knows this part of it, but since we are friends now, I imagine he will eventually read this.

I wouldn't have moved away from every single security if I didn't have the hopes and dreams of being married to him one day. At the time, I trusted without question. Even in the midst of his blatant betrayal, my first initial reaction wasn't to run. - Wait, read that again. - I didn't want to run home. My first thought was: "I can make this work; I just have to; we can make it work." - Wow, I was so naive.

Love #2
: "The Musician" - Summer of 2001 - I was working a lot. Throwing myself back into the work of a dinning room server aboard a Riverboat out of New Orleans. My rotations were 6 weeks on, 2 weeks off - where I would then work at good old Ruby Tuesday in Panama City till I had to return back to the boat.

I was still very much jilted and jaded from the happenings surrounding "The BFF" so when I made an emotional connection with a co-worker, I was completely shocked and scared to death. - Though, this one fit the "date safe" protocol to a "T" - or so it seemed.

We put each other through hell from the get go. It's amazing to me that we are still great friends today. I was dishonest. He was dishonest. We were a volatile mix romantically. But damn it, we loved each other.

I took a backseat to his dreams of a "career" in music most all of the time. I was the proverbial "band-aid, rock show groupie" at every single show. I would help with load in, stay till all hours of the morning to help with load out and then fight with him in my drunken stupor all the way back home about how he completely ignored me whilst fraternizing with the waves of barely legal girls that were SO MUCH prettier than me that are always present when a band full of hot, sweaty musicians get off the stage to start mingling with the crowd. - Insecure much? - Absolutely. - Goodness yes. I'm even laughing at myself now as I am typing this.

So after about 3 years, I made a conscious decision that I needed a life of my own. I had since quit working out of town on the Riverboats and had moved on from Ruby Tuesday. I started working at a new upscale restaurant on the beach and started making new friends and going out doing my own thing instead of waiting around for "The Musician" to call me. This didn't sit well with him at all.

I finally had had enough. My confidence had somewhat began to resurface and I was looking for means to run from the relationship I had once fought so hard to keep. The only problem was he was just beginning to think I was something he wanted to keep. Towards the end of 2003, I checked out emotionally. - And I cheated.

Enter Love #3: "The Ex-Husband" - February 2004 - I was 24, about to turn 25. I had pretty much sworn off men, yet again. In fact, I remember being at a local bar, completely sober, dancing with two of my girlfriends and laughing about the plethora of jerks I had been out with lately. I was completely done. Then BAM! - My girlfriend points out a tall, handsome man with amazing teeth standing on the outskirts of the dance floor. "Go dance with him, Sylvia." - She says as she shoves me in his direction. - And the rest was history from there.

We fell quickly for each other. Though, at the time, my drinking had become quite ridiculous. I can recall several morning-afters where I had woken up beside him, only to not remember what had happened the night before and to realize that I had started a fight and said things I had no justification for saying and ultimately hurting the man I loved so much. This should have been a BIG wake up call for me. But unfortunately it wasn't.

Within a few short months, I was pregnant. Scared to death, but definitely still very much in love. It's amazing how crazy several years of living a life filled with alcohol, drugs and promiscuity can make you... and how much of a freak you'll feel like once all those things are taken away from you without any preparation. You are then forced to deal with the plethora of issues you chose not to acknowledge from years past with a whole new, very unfamiliar set of coping mechanisms.

Needless to say, my marriage failed. - For a multitude of reasons really. We both were not properly equipped at the time to deal with a new child, a new marriage and the years of emotional wreckage I had endured prior to meeting my husband that began to surface.

So I can honestly say "The Ex-Husband" didn't break me, per se. I was already broken well before we met. I ran without much heartache from my marriage to salvage and rebuild my sanity for my daughter's sake. I could not allow myself to become a mother like my own.

-- I left in October 2005. Our divorce wasn't finalized until April 2007. I think this is when all the random, "safety dating" officially began. Seriously, I look back at some of the guys I dated over those few years and quite literally laugh to myself. - Why in the world did I date him... and him... and HIM??? UGH. Seriously, what was I thinking??? --

- Anyhoo, fast forward to 2009 - I reconnect with a guy I had met for coffee a year prior. - Let's refer to him as "The Bad Rerun" - We met in April 2008, after he sent me a random Myspace message. - Now, typically, I don't respond to random men that I don't know via social networking sites, but for some reason, after stalking his profile and reading everything I could about him, I was surprisingly somewhat interested even despite the fact that he was 1. Eleven years older than me and 2. A smoker. Anyway, we meet, go out a couple of times and I end up choosing to date a friend of mine for 8 months instead - someone who was in fact, "safe" and could/would never hurt me.

- January 2009 rolls around and we randomly end up at a stop light at the intersection of Murfreesboro Road and Donelson Pike. He's behind me with one car in between. I'm oblivious when I drive. I get a text that says, "Hey, I think I'm behind you." I immediately look in my rear-view and see him waving at me like a dork. Umm, okay, adorable.

I call, we chat momentarily and make plans to meet up in the near future. Within a very short period of time, I knew this man was "The One" I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was stupid in love. But more importantly, I thought I was better equipped to be in love. I had been through 3 years of therapy prior. I was new and improved. Sylvia 2.0.

Things were great. Moving quickly. Plans to move my daughter and myself into his home in Gallatin had started formulating. We set a date for the move to take place in May. We even picked out paint for Emily's room. A beautiful hue of purple. By the time we finished painting, things had started to shift.

March - I got let go from my job without valid reason. I turned 30 shortly after. - Then, the depression started. - Then the drinking. And when I would drink heavily, every single one of my insecurities would surface and I'd wake up the next morning, disoriented, unable to remember the night before and wondering why he wasn't in bed next to me only to quickly realize that I had picked another drunken fight and said things that had hurt him.

Sound familiar??? A pattern perhaps? - The only difference this time, was that I was mentally and emotionally healthy enough to recognize it and wanted so badly to fix myself as well as the damage to the relationship I had caused. For the first time in my life, I actually loved someone enough to want to address MY own issues, instead of blaming the other person and running away.

I threw myself back into therapy and tried a few different anti-depressants. The meds were making me crazier than I already felt. The frustration of not being able to procure another job added to the chaos in my head. - And on top of all that, seriously, who decides to change careers and start school in the middle of a recession?? - Umm, yeah, apparently that would be me.

- Then it happened. He shut down. Completely closed up. Disappeared and told me that moving in wasn't such a great idea. - Not necessarily in that particular order, mind you.

That. Broke. Me.

I remember asking myself, - him, - anyone who would listen, really, over and over again, "Why can't he just love me through it, that's all I need?" I still to this day don't understand how someone can just flip the switch so easily.

Over the past 16 months, I've dated a couple of people for months at a time, only to break it off because of some minuscule glimmer of hope that would surface with "The Bad Rerun." - We'd meet up, talk, cry a lot, see each other for a week or so and then one of us would get spooked, then just like that, he'd up and disappear again.

Lather, rinse and repeat... Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I've been too embarrassed, scared and/or prideful about telling my friends/family that we had been talking again. After all, they experienced my brokenness first hand. They saw the months where all I could do was cry; where I couldn't eat or laugh at something funny my daughter would say. They were the ones who had to pick me up on the side of the road and take me to the E.R. because I was having severe panic/anxiety attacks. They were the ones that had to unpack the many, many boxes of my belongings stacked neatly up against a wall in Emily's room waiting to be moved for months and months. I was embarrassed by my debilitation and even more so embarrassed by my ability to overlook it all for the sake of love, therefore I never said a word about it to anyone, until now.

Whew... deep breath...

Anyway, my last episode with "The Bad Rerun" aired early this month. And of course, it ended pretty much the same way as it always does. Only now, it doesn't hurt as much every time it happens. I have become comfortably numb when it comes to dealing with him.

So when is enough, enough?? I've asked myself this very question time and time again. It's a shame that it's taken me so long to even get to a point of believing that I just may have finally had enough.

I'm a strong believer in the fact that God places people in your life and strategizes their exact entrances and exits into and out of your life with unfathomable precision. It's mind-blowing.

Over the last month, in particular, I have learned a few valuable things by the simple act of people passing through the proverbial In/Out door of my life.

1. Everyone has regrets. Even though it doesn't seem like that person who allows you to waltz so freely out of their life cares so much right now, but you can bet your ass they will be kicking themselves for it later.

2. Don't sell yourself short of anything less than you deserve. It's okay to say, "I need more than you have to give." Don't allow your head to make justifications for what your heart desires. What you want and what you need are two very different things.

3. Don't settle for someone you know you don't want just because they are saying everything you want/need to hear at that particular moment. You may desperately want to hear those things, but from someone else, not them. Do NOT settle.

4. Life throws you unexpected curve balls all of the time. Don't get too comfortable in the things you think you can control, because in reality, it's all out of your hands.

-- Case and point: This past week. I've had the best week. - The proverbial rug has been yanked completely out from underneath my feet - despite my best efforts to prevent that from happening.

So yes, I did lie.

It's always when you think you've got it all figured out. You stop looking completely. You hand it over to God. And when you're least expecting it, you connect with someone that completely throws you for a loop. Someone who understands you better than you understand yourself. Someone who takes a genuine interest in all your many, many quirks, interests and life altering experiences. Someone who is aware of you're many faults and failures, yet tries to understand them but more importantly, accepts them regardless of circumstance.

Yes. The cat's out of the bag. I am completely excited over a boy. And as much as it pains me to say this: it feels damn good to be this girlie and stupid over someone again. I honestly didn't believe it would ever happen. Just like that. I feel hopeful. - Scared out of my pants, but hopeful nonetheless, and that in itself is so, so amazing.

I guess there's a lot to be said about your intuition and gut instincts. If it feels right, by all means, go for it. But if there's doubt early on, don't ignore it by reasoning any or all of the following out in your head: "but he's a genuinely good guy" or "he's good to me" or "he looks good on paper" because ultimately in the end you will just end up hurting someone else who didn't deserve to be hurt.

You'll know when it's right for you. And just promise yourself that you won't run away when the opportunity is staring you down straight in the face.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

"Life shouldn't hurt; doesn't hurt so badly."

"Do you feel light shine in the darkest of nights, or does the pain stack up from the skin to the core? - Do you find every time that you cover your eyes to keep the tears held up, dripping down even more?"
- The Flight of Apollo by Angels & Airwaves

Over the last several days, I've allowed myself to come to a pretty substantial conclusion in my life.

I've not only realized but finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to give in to this void in my heart and make myself hurt through it.

I've spent the last 16 months desperately trying to fill this emptiness with an obscene amount of not-so-fulfilling distractions.

- And not so surprisingly, all those "distractions" have left me feeling even more empty and disappointed in myself.

To have expectations of someone seems to always end in disappointment. - But is it really possible to not have expectations of the people you love and those who claim to love you in return?

Validation has always been something I've struggled with in my life. I tend to seek if from the people closest to me, and even more so from the men that I'm somewhat attached to. - Of course, how can we forget the plethora of "Daddy/Abandonment" issues addressed in my several years worth of therapy, right?

All I want - wait, all I "need" is more like it - after completing something personally challenging is to share that victorious moment with someone that will wrap their arms tightly around me, kiss me on the forehead and say, "Sylvia, I'm so proud of you" but lately, I haven't had many people to share those specific moments with. A phone call, text message or someone clicking the "Like" link on a Facebook status update just pales in comparison.

I remember reading an article on depression somewhere a while back that stated the average person needs 8 to 10 physical touches per day to ward off depression. I think I concur.

"Life's better with company. Everybody needs a co-pilot." - Quote from the movie "Up in the Air."

True. So true. But it has to be the right co-pilot. One that shares your views, your ambitions, your goals, your dreams, your life's wants... One that understands your emotional needs and one that can communicate with you effectively regardless of circumstance.

With all that being said, I'm tired of being disappointed by the unfulfilling people and things I keep investing my time into. So I'm refocusing, yet again. On myself. My family. My last two weeks of school. My business. My health and fitness - which includes my physical, emotional and mental well-being. My creativity and art.

I'm swearing off the plethora of unavailable men I always seem to attract.

I'm cutting back on the alcoholic beverages I consume on a weekly basis - and vowing to only indulge in them in very controlled situations.

I'm going to allow myself to feel the waves of pain that come along with the healing process - and try my hardest to not numb them by indulging in things that only temporarily make me forget.

Instead, each time it hurts, I'm want to attempt to focus that hurt into something positive, like a nice long run, or a bike ride, or a hike in the woods, or unleashing some creativity onto a new canvas.

In the words of U2, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" but at least I know I have to allow myself to hurt and then heal before I can truly be ready for whomever it is that God has lined up for me in my future.

So off I go to get lost in the woods on a nice, long hike.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

"I wouldn’t change a thing. It's made me all of who I am inside."

Bump, bump, bump... Yes. Yet another series of bumps in the long, treacherous road.

No matter how long of a "happy, positive and optimistic" streak I may be having, it never fails. The moon and the millions of stars can somehow spontaneously align and blow my positivity and optimism right out of the water.

Case and point: This week.

Monday evening, I received some alarming news concerning my future place of employment. Here I am, working on an art piece specifically for my treatment room and all of the sudden, just like that, the question of if I'll even have a treatment room to decorate is a very real question.

I woke up Tuesday morning already in a foul mood. I didn't sleep well at all. That in itself didn't make for the best of moods.

It was a gloomy day weather-wise here in Nashville. I somehow made it through another excruciatingly boring day of school. On the way home, I got word of a friend's mom passing away. The tears immediately started flowing from my tired eyes.

I go home to clear my head. I end up trying to focus some of my energy on my painting. The work I had done to it on Monday left me hating it, so I desperately wanted to get it to a point where I loved it, or at least liked it again. I succeeded for the most part.

I settled into bed fairly early that evening, in an attempt to escape any chance of receiving even more bad news. Then, of course, the phone rings.

It's Larry, my ex-husband, the father of my child.

He starts the conversation off lightly... informing me of the dates that he will be gone for tech school. Three weeks in January. I say, "No problem. Okay. What else?"

Then he prefaces what he's about to tell me with this, "Well, it's pretty shitty news."

Shocker. I called it, didn't I? I knew more bad news was already on it's way when I decided to go to bed at 8pm.

He then proceeds to tell me that he's scheduled for deployment to Afghanistan for a year in August 2011. - What the hell? - Seriously. - A year?? - I thought I had just heard that they were starting to pull all the troops out of there?

I immediately started crying again. There I am, crying, trying to ask questions and googling any and all information I can on the current happenings in Afghanistan and reading them aloud over the phone.

That, needless to say, was the icing on the cake.

Yesterday, which was Wednesday, I felt myself retreating into the safety of my own silence. I somehow made it through school without incident and went to work a very entertaining photoshoot at Springwater, of all places, with a photographer who, in the words of Ron Burgundy, is "a pretty big deal." - In fact, he is currently one of the most sought after photographers in the world, Joe McNally. - On a normal day, I would have been on Cloud 9, but all that was seemingly overshadowed by my worry, confusion and sadness.

The shoot wrapped promptly at 5. I made it home by 6. Showered the funk of Springwater off of me and slipped into bed by 7pm. I literally could not handle anymore bad news. So as I popped a Unisom, I turned my ringer down and sauntered off to sleep.

Which brings me to Thursday... Today... I have quite literally cried off and on all day today. Not sure exactly what over. But just emotional and overwhelmed in general. Most of it being because of recent circumstances, but part of it, I suspect, is due to other contributing factors.

One being, I'm a creature of habit. I live for a life of organization and scheduled events. Three weeks of living "fly by the seat of my pants" without having to worry about or care for my child has put me in some weird territory. I've realized that I don't know how to be a completely singular individual anymore. I am forever altered. And I still long for the days of having a family of my own to come home to and to cook for and to care for on a daily basis. - Which brings me to the next point.

Two being: The reality of my age versus my current relationship status. It has finally settled in and hit me with an unexpected fierceness. I'm 31, going on 32. Single. - By choice, for the most part.

The question of if I want to marry and have another child surfaces everyday. - Realistically, I doubt that another child will even be an option for me, but right now, I'm doubtful that re-marrying will be as well. After all, I broke off a perfectly good relationship because of unfinished matters within my own heart. I chose to use my insane schedule as an excuse. - It's valid, very valid actually, but not completely true. Most everyone that knows me on a personal level knows that my heart is still attempting to heal from a past heartbreak.

But if I so adamantly long for that picturesque family life, then why in the hell do I continually run, with a vengeance - no less, in the opposite direction from potential "keepers". - Is it me??? - Will I ever allow myself to open up those chambers of my heart that are so tightly sealed off to everyone else except the one person who wrecked and ravished it in the first place? - I just don't get it.

Albert Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - I'm beginning to think I may be slightly insane. Something has seriously got to give.

"Cause what's left to lose? I've done enough. And if I fail, well then I fail, but I gave it a shot. - And these last 3 years, I know they've been hard, but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun... Even if it's alone."
- "On Your Porch" by The Format

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin."

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.

I just want to feel deep in my own world. - But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. - But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again."

- Honestly OK by Dido

This particular album came out in 1999. I remember listening to it repeatedly throughout 2000. - Especially this song in particular. For many years to come, actually.

I felt the lyrics completely defined me. If you could look "Sylvia Lynn Fox" up in a dictionary - this would be the exact verbiage that followed my name. So much of what I felt for so long was expressed exactly as I felt them in the song.

Today marked my year anniversary of starting the Aesthetics program. I started an 8 month course of study on this day last year, September 1st, 2009. - Yes, you read that correctly. I will be completely finished with my hours by the close of September at the very latest. It has taken me one year and one month to complete an 8 month course.

When I first got the news from my instructor that I had to return to school for a THIRD trimester, I was ridiculously frustrated. - Not to mention the ridiculous amount of money I just had to fork over for tuition today because my financial aid is in an appeal status.

However, today was a good day.

I walked to my car after class, rolled down the windows, plugged up my iPhone and hit the "Shuffle Songs" option as I began to pull away from campus. Low and behold, the above referenced song began to play.

Now in past moments of listening to this song, I recall always feeling a bit melancholy and generally mellow. - But today was substantially different.

For the first time in my adult life, I feel safe in my own skin. I am happy again.

I am 31. Divorced. Single - for once in my life and actually looking to stay that way for a while. Mother of one. Student, soon-to-be Aesthetician. A very qualified Nashville Makeup Artist. I'm an avid writer. And as of lately, I'm a painter. I'm a workaholic. I have a wonderful, supportive extended family as well as a handful of wonderful, reliable, supportive friends who love me unconditionally.

Life feels good again.

I've worked so hard for seemingly so long to obtain this sense of confidence in myself and my ability to perform any and all tasks God decides to lay down in front of me that was lost so long ago. There have been so many road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes and detours along the way, and I'm pretty sure there will be many, many more in the future. However, it's a great feeling to finally feel safe in MY own skin. - To feel completely happy again without having to fill any of the voids in my heart with unfulfilling, meaningless vices. - And I ultimately feel pretty well-equipped to handle whatever it is this crazy life might throw at me at any given moment.

That in itself is an inspiration for me to keep on keepin' on... keep chasing the dream... Keep pushing myself creatively... Keep working towards being that positive, infectious force that I so want to be.

The light is getting brighter and brighter with each passing day. I'm almost there.

So, bring it on, Life. You've finally met your match.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

"You gotta fall in order to mend."

It seems over the past several weeks, almost every person I've been around has mentioned something about my laugh - some being old friends, some being friends I haven't spoken to or seen in several months - even several years - and lots of random people I've met in passing while I've been out and about over the past few days enjoying my child-free evenings. I even had a hilarious exchange with a sweet girl in the Exit/In bathroom that resulted in an all-out laughing fit between the two of us. The more I laughed, the harder she laughed... so much so, she marched me straight to the bar and bought me a shot because I had "the most fantastic laugh." So funny, yet so very random.

The next day, after a phone conversation with an old friend, he texted me this, "It's nice to hear you laugh. You sound happy."

That's when it all hit me.


I haven't laughed a lot over the past few years. In fact, I think I cried more in 2009 than I've cried throughout my entire life.

Seriously. - Marinate on that for a moment.

Last year was intense. - Looking back now, I can see it wasn't the relationship that broke me; rather it was everything. Every single thing in my life - had come to a very abrupt, life-altering stand-still. The break up was just the proverbial cherry on top.

I haven't felt peace, security, stability, self-worth, joy - all those things associated with being a truly happy individual in a very long time. The realities of my life along with the abundant stress that came with voluntarily leaving a career as an insurance agent to completely change my career of choice to something most people only dream of doing for a living had finally robbed me of my infectious laughter. Granted, I admit, I allowed it to be taken without a very good fight. However, now that the finish line is within reach, I'm feeling the breeze of the downhill coast.

Don't get me wrong, life isn't all peaches and cream just yet. I'm still stuck in school for 2-3 more weeks, therefore finances are still tight, but at least I see a reprieve is just around the bend. Thank goodness for that.

It's been a long, hard, emotional journey; but by the grace of God and the unconditional love, support and unfaltering help my amazing family and friends have graciously continued to offer up, I made it through the toughest year of my life.

And for that I am forever grateful. And I AM happy. And I will laugh because: "It's a brand new day. The sun is shining. It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time, I know I'll be okay."

Sunday, August 22, 2010

"Breakin' up is hard to do."

It's been my experience that even the most amicable breakups are still just as difficult as any other.

I've chosen to remain fairly private about my most recent breakup, that is, until now. - And consequently, my silence earned myself a label I don't quite deserve. Basically, I have been interpreted as a "heartless, emotionless, stone-cold bitch" - granted, to my knowledge, they didn't use those exact words, however, from what I gathered, the implications were there.

Timing... chalk this one up to bad timing. - My relationship, that is.

I admit, five years from now, I'll probably be kicking myself repeatedly for letting this one go. However, given my circumstances at this particular time in my life, it had to be done. - Not only for my sanity, but for his as well.

Those of you who knew me while growing up in Florida, probably know that my life in Panama City was hardly picturesque. I was forced to grow up quickly. I was raped at the age of 11 and abused emotionally and physically by the people closest to me on a daily basis throughout my adolescent years. I was institutionalized for severe depression and an attempt at suicide my freshman year of high school. I was working by the age of 15, and always had to work hard for the things I needed and/or wanted. As soon as I turned 18, I got out. - Desperate to escape the control my over-bearing, hateful mother had over me.

I "escaped" one hell, only to fall deeper into a new, more traumatic one that would wreak further emotional havoc on my soul for many, many years to come.

I use the term "escaped" loosely, as I know now I didn't escape anything. I only ran from it. Running, for many years, was the only way I knew how to escape anything and everything.

But you can only run so far, or so fast, before everything starts to catch up with you.

...Wow, I went off on quite a tangent there...

Independence. This has always been something I fervently worked toward achieving and was fairly good at maintaining up until I had my daughter, Emily.

Needless to say, motherhood and marriage threw me for a serious loop. I had no clue how melding your own life into that of another human being's life happened, lest we not forget to add our innocent, helpless, newborn baby girl's life into that mix as well.

When I moved to Nashville in 2004, I voluntarily gave up every security I had. I left a lucrative career at an insurance agency. I left all of my friends and family. All in the name of love. I followed my heart without question.

After my daughter's arrival in 2005, I was thrown into severe postpartum depression. - Most of you who have known me since I've moved to Nashville are familiar with this part of my life - as I was very open and forthcoming with my experiences with motherhood. Writing was a therapeutic way for me to organize my thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, I didn't work for the first 5 months of Emily's life. My independent nature hadn't left, but my means to do anything about it had completely diminished. I was completely at my husband's mercy.

My marriage crumbled a short time after my returning back to work. I launched out of our home and into an apartment I could barely afford on my pay at the insurance agency.

It's been a struggle since then.

Since 2006, I changed jobs, moved in with my ex-mom-in-law, (2007) started a business, (2008) decided to completely abandon my job security in the insurance world and pursue a new career in makeup artistry and attempted to start aesthetics school in the middle of a recession - little did I know I'd have to wait a year just to get into the program, (2009) got fired from a great job that would have provided lots of financial security while waiting to begin school, entered into a relationship with the love of my life, made plans to move in and get married, only to experience the biggest, life-altering heartbreak of my life and then in September of last year, I finally started school. (2010) - Here I am... still living in the same place, counting down the final days to school's end, and exiting out of what most would call a "perfectly good relationship". Why, you ask??

It's the proverbial "It's not you, it's me."

He did nothing wrong. In fact it's quite the opposite.

Ideally, he'd be a gem for a gal like me. He caters to my every whim. He provides for me. He spoils me rotten. He spoils my child rotten. He's communicative, for the most part. He's responsible. He's patient. Forgiving. Humble. He's not afraid of commitment. He had plans to marry me, for crying out loud! Me... Despite the blatant mess that I am right now, he still wanted to marry me.

Timing... Independence...

I'm about to transition into a world where I will actually be LIVING my DREAM.

That's HUGE.

I've been through the wringer these past three years trying to get to this pivotal point of my life. And it's finally so close I can almost reach out and grab it.

For the first time in my life, I've chosen to shoo away my heart's desires and to think with my head first.

For the first time in my life, it's all about ME.

It's all about me and my daughter.

It's all about me, my daughter and my career.

My career is the key to the door that will open up things in my life that I personally can't allow to falter any longer such as my independence, my security, and ultimately the restoration of my self-worth so that I may believe in myself again and be able to provide for me and my daughter completely by my own hard work.

As selfish as it may sound to some of you, I have to know that I can do this on my own. - Without anyone there to be that proverbial "security net" for me. - To move out of my ex-mother-in-law's house and into a place of my own. - Not a place shared with a man.

That is my reward. To know that I did it. I made it happen without the illusion of security that a serious relationship offers.

My payoff for the many struggles I've endured over the last three years; the blood, the sweat, the plethora of tears I've shed; the hard work, the perseverance, the multitude of sacrifices my daughter and I have had to make; the relentless fight to keep on keeping on even when my body was constantly shutting down on me is my single driving force and I can't afford or allow anyone to distract me from this objective.

I just can't do it.

I don't have the emotional resources or energy it takes to be in an all-in focused relationship right now. It's not fair for me to continually take from someone, and not be able to reciprocate any of that. That's not who I am.

I am fiercely loyal and dedicated to the relationships God has blessed me with. If I can't give 100%, it's not fair to the other person who is giving 100 plus percent. It's a recipe for disaster any way you look at it and that doesn't sit well with me.

I don't like being a source of pain in people's life. - Especially those that I care deeply for. But just because I don't post a barrage of dumpy status updates about my feelings in regards to another failed relationship, doesn't mean that I'm not feeling any pain or sadness.

I have a peace about my decision and with that being said, I've said my piece.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you."

Inspired to write, feverishly, fervently even, however, the words aren't eloquently flowing... My head is pounding with pain. A migraine is in the works. My heart is feeling torn between logic and emotion.

The war wages on... though, seemingly, for a lost cause.

Everyone constantly says, "Follow your heart." But what happens when your heart wants something that doesn't want you in return?

- Do you stay vigilant and true to your heart's desires?

- Do you hastily attempt to paste the pieces of your heart back together and move on?

What if you've tried it all?

Numerous times?

Failing miserably at all attempts to move on.

My being vigilant and faithful to my heart, fighting ferociously for my belief in a love so deep against the reasoning of someone so close, but yet, so far gone, repeatedly producing the same results.

So when is enough really "enough"?

I'm stuck in a bad rerun.

I know how it all goes down. I even know when it's all about to happen - every damn time. I even understand both sides of the argument, more so now than I ever have.

So why, then, am I still surprised by the waves of sporadic sadness, hurt and disappointment I feel each and every time it happens again? Shouldn't I be numb by now?

I just don't understand it at all. Any of it.

I pray that this relentless, unfaltering love in my heart will eventually release it's hold of me so I that I can peacefully close an unfinished chapter in my life once and for all.

But until that day comes, I have no choice but to remain just as I am. Alone. Driven by the passion of achieving my dreams and being able to provide for myself and for my daughter by being in a career that I will thrive in and more importantly, one that I will absolutely love doing.

"You know when you are following your heart because it will feel right even if your mind is uncomfortable. Every inch of your body -- the very fabric of your soul -- feels alive."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

"Help, I need somebody."

It's days like today where I start to seriously question my purpose in life. I wonder when God made me, what was HIS intention for my life and what I would become??

Everything has been so crazy for so long now. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. First surgery, then my car, then the wait to start school, then a couple of prolonged, random illnesses and last but not least, most recently, the unexpected tuition cost I got slapped with last week. Seriously, will it ever stop???

I've been trying to work and keep busy as much as possible, but these vicious back-to-back illnesses haven't allowed that. Plus, my part-time job at The Market isn't keeping me scheduled. And of course, the artistry industry fluxes so much, that there is always the dip of lows in between the ridiculously busy times.

It seems like the more I try, the further behind I get and seemingly more and more obstacles get thrown down in front of me with each passing day. It's overwhelming - to the point where I just want to hide away from the world and disappear at times. - And I do, on many occasions, I slink away to bed, turn off my phone and just let everything run it's course in my head over and over again until I finally pass out from exhaustion.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I've sacrificed so much to pursue this dream of mine and to make accommodations to do the school thing. I've given up financial security, comfort and luxuries that come with having a good job and not having to worry about money.

My daughter has been the one to suffer the most through this time with me, though she's still too young to understand it all; there have been many times where she's asked me, "Mommy, can we buy this?" and I'd simply have to say no and explain to her that mommy isn't working a lot right now and that we just have to hang tight for a few more months. Thankfully, I have a very sweet child that doesn't throw huge temper tantrums in the middle of retail stores when she doesn't get her way. - There have been several instances where I've had to leave her with friends so that I could work. Thankfully, she's understanding and resilient. - And then there are the many days where I've worked myself sick to the point of exhaustion where she's had to give mommy lots of space and quiet time to recoup. - Thankfully, she's intuitive and loves me regardless.

That's no way for a 5 year old to live. She shouldn't have to carry all that on her little shoulders. So on the days where she gets into a lot of trouble at daycare, like today, in the midst of big transitions, I can't help but feel that I've failed at being a good mom. I wonder if I had been just a little more present lately, would she be acting out this way??

On days like this, I wonder if I'm selfishly chasing a dream without regard for reality. I wonder if this is really my calling. If it will all be worth the struggle and the many sacrifices once I'm finished with school? Will it be a fruitful investment of the time I can't get back with my daughter?

I can usually pray myself out of these kinds of funks, and usually get a reassuring sign that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, but for some reason, this funk is relentless and no obvious signs have surfaced quickly enough for me to recognize any form of light at the end of a very dark, dark tunnel.

So I'm requesting prayers, good juju and prosperity dances be lifted up and sent my way. - Specifically asking for guidance in my life and business, for answers to the many, many questions I have about my future, and for a plethora of patience and grace to keep on keepin' on.

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?" - The Beatles

Monday, April 5, 2010

"Everything's changing and I don't feel the same."

March has come and gone. Man, what an intense month. My world quite literally, got flipped-turned-upside-down.

It's been one full month plus three days since my surgery. I can honestly say I feel like a new person. This surgery did, indeed, change my life. Praise God for that.

Now, pending another run of extensive blood work at the end of this month, I may actually have some conclusive answers to all of my health issues that have been plaguing me over the past five years. That, in itself, makes my insides flutter with overwhelming excitement.

I've procured a new vehicle with the help of my amazing mom. Yes, I said "Amazing." She does, in fact, amaze me, even despite the obvious stress and frustration she causes me on a very regular basis. The important thing I've had to learn and, more importantly, accept is that despite her very abrasive nature, she DOES love me and she's doing it the only way she knows how to. Parenting is a never-ending learning process... sadly it's taken me 31 years to acknowledge that small but simple fact, and yet, even though I am very aware that I will make many, many mistakes of my own with my child; I still am not quite ready to accept that I will often fail at my personal goal of being a mother unlike my own.

It's been a whirlwind, this life of mine, recently.

Over the past year, I've experienced a wide range of emotions that have shifted my thinking and have forever changed me. I'm talking about complete, utter failure in every single aspect of my life. - Lest we not forget the single, biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced, and evidently, successfully endured. - And the countless, seemingly unconquerable, obstacles I've encountered during this ridiculously long journey of passionately chasing down my dream for makeup artistry, beauty and fashion.

Being at the start of the downhill side of things now, I recognize that I am, indeed, a fighter. I haven't given up. I haven't quit. I'm making it through, though at times, not as gracefully as I would have liked, but all in all, I'm fighting through it and here I am. Renewed. Happy. Hopeful. And ridiculously excited about my future with those people who I am so very lucky to have in my life.

In closing, I'll leave you with a quote from Rocky Balboa. "It ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - How much you can take and keep moving forward. - That's how winning is done!"

Friday, March 12, 2010

"For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time."

A few very personal resolutions I've decided to work towards in light of the fast approach of my 31st year:

(A) To trust more willingly and freely until given a reason to not do so.

(B) To spend more of my time actually living my life, and less time (1) worrying over things I can not control, (2) fearing the outcome of events yet to happen, and (3) incessantly trying to force MY vision of how I think things should unfold onto myself as well as others I choose to enter into a relationship with.

(C) To get comfortable with being completely alone - with myself, with my plethora of thoughts and emotions and ridiculous self-destructive thought processes. To not feel compelled to fill the void in my heart with meaningless relationships simply to serve as a distraction from the hurt and pain that I still feel even a year later.

And surprisingly enough - sadly enough - all of these are related; they intertwine with one another and constantly feed off of each other on a very regular basis.

Allow me to elaborate a bit on the above points, if you will.

I've always had severe trust issues, and even more severe abandonment issues. Five years in therapy and we are fairly positive that they most definitely stem from my father leaving my mother (divorce) and from my mother not protecting me when she should have (sexual harassment/rape/abuse).

With all that being said, theoretically, the two people most anyone would look to for comfort, security and unconditional love would naturally be their parents, right??? So what happens when that bond is non-existent??? Apparently, obviously, you grow up to be a very emotionally needy, ridiculously insecure little girl who is always looking for reassurance and praise from those she surrounds herself with. - Yeah, unfortunately, that's me in a nutshell. - But what I've realized over the past year, even in the last few weeks, is that most people aren't equipped to be that forthcoming and intuitive with that amount of much-needed affection, reassurance and praise that someone like me might - not "might" - does require.

So what do you do???

Well, in my case, I feel as if I've been spinning my wheels, always trying to make myself "fit" into other people's lives and end up completely ostracizing myself from my own. And, since my last "official" breakup, I've come to realize that even though I knew that particular relationship was headed nowhere long-term, I still felt a need to be needed. - Oh that incessant, undying need to be needed! God, I'm so sick of that! It's been a defining characteristic of mine for as long as I can remember. Ugh!

- But I digress, I need to get comfortable with being alone. Plain and simple.

"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone." - Pink - Yeah, I need to NOT relate to those lyrics when my phone goes several days without a call from a familiar friend, or when it doesn't double ding with a sweet text from a boy every few hours.

"Contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart." - Natalie Merchant - I need to be content with simply staying home - alone - even when my daughter is not here... and I have a functioning car... and a whole night off from school, interning, work and/photo shoots... and several options to do things with friends or even a date (GASP).

Yeah... I need to learn how to simply be... Just be.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"Day One, Day One... Start over again..."

Deep breath in... Slow exhale out.

Funny story, I've always been a writer. Clarity always came to me when I did write... and for awhile there, after I became a mom, I was writing regularly... and it helped me tremendously.

But for the last few years, I had completely abandoned that vice. - Deleted my Myspace blog, and pretty much failed to keep up with any of my personal writings there after.

The past three years in particular have been trying, to say the very least. 2008 quite literally kicked my rear-end all over the place in every sense of the word. I was taken DOWN.

My first real bout with unemployment took place in the latter part of 2008 thus beginning the personal struggle between my heart and my head. Following my heart meant struggling - giving up a career in a field with plenty of job security to pursue my passion. - And as a single mother, this wasn't an easy sacrifice. Not only have I had to sacrifice, but my daughter has had to as well... more than she should have, and that's not something too easy to stomach.

2009 was a glimmer of hope for me. I swore that 2009 was going to be "MY year." - Boy, was I ever wrong... 2009 - quite literally - BROKE me. I was fired and given no valid reason at all for being terminated which threw me head first into a severe cycle of depression that I just couldn't resurface from. I turned 30. Then shortly after, my relationship with the man I truly saw myself spending the rest of my life with quickly dissolved into something I didn't recognize, nor did I want to recognize it, because recognizing it would have meant that I acknowledge yet another failure in my life.

I feel, still to this day, that I lost so much of myself over the last year... I am forever altered... forever changed by the events that morphed me into who I am today.

I hold no regrets, however, for what I went through last year. I truly believe that had I not gone through those times, I probably wouldn't feel that I am capable of facing what this year - 2010 - brings on now.

School was/is/will be my unfaltering goal for this year. I WILL finish this program with flying colors, damn it. But with all the medical stuff that came to head so quickly at the start of this year, it seemed that another road block was bound to happen... and good god, did it ever.

So, here I am, a week post-surgery, recovering... depressed and uber-dumpy because being productive right now is so not happening, and once again, everything is on hold.

I had to withdraw from my program in February... Surgery was scheduled for March 2nd... On March 1st my car decides to die - COMPLETELY DIE - to the point where fixing it isn't even an option. And now, being on the other side of the surgery, I'm recovering... I'm alive - with no car, no work, no school... just me... here... alone with my thoughts and my loopy liquid medication that make me feel more like a mess than I ever have before.

So... to the point... I'm less than four days away from my 31st birthday... And I still ask myself everyday, "What have I accomplished in my 30 years on this earth??" And my answers are still very much trivial.

"I'm on a personal mission to better myself in every way possible. - Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I want to be a positive, infectious force." - These words have been on my social networking profiles for several years now, but I guess I never felt completely equipped to make those things happen, all together, all at once... until a few days ago.

I'm optimistic that this surgery could potentially change my life. IF it actually does solve all of my medical woes, I think everything else will follow suit without much resistance.

So I'm starting this blog as a means to record my progress and I invite you to come along with me on this journey to find myself and to discover what it is that I want, what I need, and to address the things I need to work on as an individual so that I can be happy and be an inspiration to those I come into contact with in the future, not for anyone else, but just for me, for my sake, for my happiness and I ask that you hold me accountable for my actions or lack there of.

I imagine this blog will contain material regarding some spiritual issues, and most definitely mental and emotional issues, as well as an account of my physical changes in future posts... Most of you know that once I recover from this surgery my main objective aside from finishing school is to get all buff and hot like Pink... so I will definitely keep you guys posted on that. ;)

So, without further ado... let the journey begin.