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"Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married."

So I've been struggling with myself about whether or not I wanted to blog about this.

I've sat down at my computer several times over the past few weeks, typed out a few beginning lines, only to rethink and abandon the whole idea all together.

However, I do feel a few things need to be officially stated - after all, the news was outed to most of our friends via Facebook by accident (completely NOT how we wanted everyone to find out) and then was further spread by the immaturity of an individual who obviously lacks the ability to go directly to the source of the matter for answers - who instead opted to text all of Alan's friends to try to get the 411, thus spreading our personal business all over the city of Nashville. - Classy, I know, but that's beside the point.

So here it is:

Alan and I ARE, in fact, in the early stages of planning our wedding.

And for all you naturally pessimistic people out there - NO, I am NOT pregnant - not that it would be any of your business if …

"Ch-ch-ch-changes."

When thinking of song lyrics to associate with this particular blog entry, David Bowie sang it best.

Changes. Lots and lots of changes.

First and foremost, I'm finally finished with school!! Praise the great Lord above!! I made it. I survived. It may have taken me 13 freaking months to finish an 8 month program, but I DID IT.

This time last year I was barely on the other side of a completely debilitating bout with depression. School saved my sanity. As much as I've hated being there since I returned after my surgery, I can honestly say my completion of the program has been bittersweet.

- Now I'm in the process of transitioning into an Aesthetics position at The Wax Pot Studio. - Initially, I had thought we would be in the 12th Ave South area of Nashville for at least another year, however, in November we will be moving to a new location in the heart of downtown Nashville because the building we're renting out of is being sold.

Also within the past week, came anoth…

"And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."

I've never been one to gush publicly about my relationships. - I don't get it at all. - I can write and write so freely about all the traumatic happenings that took place in my lifetime, but when it comes to being completely vulnerable with my heart at the mercy of a man, I have much difficulty articulating what I feel.

- Jaded? - Oh, yes, absolutely.

- Disappointed/embarrassed by the failure of past relationships? - Goodness, yes.

- Scared to death of jinxing things? - Yes, yes, yes!

I guess in my mind, it's so hard for me to open up about the personal things in my life, new relationships in particular, because I'm pre-programed to expect them to fail miserably, especially when everything else in my life is going so unbelievably well. I'm always waiting for the proverbial ball to drop. Good things just don't happen to me all that often. - So instead of screaming at the top of my lungs that I'm completely taken by a boy in the middle of a crowded street…

"Runaway as fast as you can."

So maybe I lied...

I know my public blog has been fairly quiet, but the same can not be said about my personal, private journal.

Most of you know that I've been on an exuberantly embarrassing, uneventful relationship streak over the past year and a half. Furthermore, it wasn't till a month ago that I realized just how ridiculously ridiculous it had actually become. - So much so, I decided I should take a much needed breather away from dating, boys, drinking and all the other stuff that goes along with unhealthy coping practices.

Allow me to elaborate a little: The stand I took behind the ending of my last short-lived "relationship" with a man who was in theory "PERFECT" for me on paper, was that I just didn't have the time to devote to a full-on relationship in between juggling all of the following: being a mom, a student, an intern, a business owner and even a part-time employ - not to forget attempting to maintain the balance in my relationships with …

"Life shouldn't hurt; doesn't hurt so badly."

"Do you feel light shine in the darkest of nights, or does the pain stack up from the skin to the core? - Do you find every time that you cover your eyes to keep the tears held up, dripping down even more?"
- The Flight of Apollo by Angels & Airwaves


Over the last several days, I've allowed myself to come to a pretty substantial conclusion in my life.

I've not only realized but finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to give in to this void in my heart and make myself hurt through it.

I've spent the last 16 months desperately trying to fill this emptiness with an obscene amount of not-so-fulfilling distractions.

- And not so surprisingly, all those "distractions" have left me feeling even more empty and disappointed in myself.

To have expectations of someone seems to always end in disappointment. - But is it really possible to not have expectations of the people you love and those who claim to love you in return?

Validation has always been…

"I wouldn’t change a thing. It's made me all of who I am inside."

Bump, bump, bump... Yes. Yet another series of bumps in the long, treacherous road.

No matter how long of a "happy, positive and optimistic" streak I may be having, it never fails. The moon and the millions of stars can somehow spontaneously align and blow my positivity and optimism right out of the water.

Case and point: This week.

Monday evening, I received some alarming news concerning my future place of employment. Here I am, working on an art piece specifically for my treatment room and all of the sudden, just like that, the question of if I'll even have a treatment room to decorate is a very real question.

I woke up Tuesday morning already in a foul mood. I didn't sleep well at all. That in itself didn't make for the best of moods.

It was a gloomy day weather-wise here in Nashville. I somehow made it through another excruciatingly boring day of school. On the way home, I got word of a friend's mom passing away. The tears immediately started flo…

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin."

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.

I just want to feel deep in my own world. - But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. - But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again."
- Honestly OK by Dido


This particular album came out in 1999. I remember listening to it repeatedly throughout 2000. - Especially this song in particular. For many years to come, actually.

I felt the lyrics completely defined me. If you could look "Sylvia Lynn Fox" up in a dictionary - this would be the exact verbiage that followed my name. So much of what I felt for so long was expressed exactly as I felt them in the song.

Today marked my year anniversary of starting the Aesthetics program…

"You gotta fall in order to mend."

It seems over the past several weeks, almost every person I've been around has mentioned something about my laugh - some being old friends, some being friends I haven't spoken to or seen in several months - even several years - and lots of random people I've met in passing while I've been out and about over the past few days enjoying my child-free evenings. I even had a hilarious exchange with a sweet girl in the Exit/In bathroom that resulted in an all-out laughing fit between the two of us. The more I laughed, the harder she laughed... so much so, she marched me straight to the bar and bought me a shot because I had "the most fantastic laugh." So funny, yet so very random.

The next day, after a phone conversation with an old friend, he texted me this, "It's nice to hear you laugh. You sound happy."

That's when it all hit me.

I AM HAPPY.

I haven't laughed a lot over the past few years. In fact, I think I cried more in 2009 than I…

"Breakin' up is hard to do."

It's been my experience that even the most amicable breakups are still just as difficult as any other.

I've chosen to remain fairly private about my most recent breakup, that is, until now. - And consequently, my silence earned myself a label I don't quite deserve. Basically, I have been interpreted as a "heartless, emotionless, stone-cold bitch" - granted, to my knowledge, they didn't use those exact words, however, from what I gathered, the implications were there.

Timing... chalk this one up to bad timing. - My relationship, that is.

I admit, five years from now, I'll probably be kicking myself repeatedly for letting this one go. However, given my circumstances at this particular time in my life, it had to be done. - Not only for my sanity, but for his as well.

Those of you who knew me while growing up in Florida, probably know that my life in Panama City was hardly picturesque. I was forced to grow up quickly. I was raped at the age of 11 and abu…

"If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you."

Inspired to write, feverishly, fervently even, however, the words aren't eloquently flowing... My head is pounding with pain. A migraine is in the works. My heart is feeling torn between logic and emotion.

The war wages on... though, seemingly, for a lost cause.

Everyone constantly says, "Follow your heart." But what happens when your heart wants something that doesn't want you in return?

- Do you stay vigilant and true to your heart's desires?

- Do you hastily attempt to paste the pieces of your heart back together and move on?

What if you've tried it all?

Numerous times?

Failing miserably at all attempts to move on.

My being vigilant and faithful to my heart, fighting ferociously for my belief in a love so deep against the reasoning of someone so close, but yet, so far gone, repeatedly producing the same results.

So when is enough really "enough"?

I'm stuck in a bad rerun.

I know how it all goes down. I even know when it's all about to h…

"Help, I need somebody."

It's days like today where I start to seriously question my purpose in life. I wonder when God made me, what was HIS intention for my life and what I would become??

Everything has been so crazy for so long now. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. First surgery, then my car, then the wait to start school, then a couple of prolonged, random illnesses and last but not least, most recently, the unexpected tuition cost I got slapped with last week. Seriously, will it ever stop???

I've been trying to work and keep busy as much as possible, but these vicious back-to-back illnesses haven't allowed that. Plus, my part-time job at The Market isn't keeping me scheduled. And of course, the artistry industry fluxes so much, that there is always the dip of lows in between the ridiculously busy times.

It seems like the more I try, the further behind I get and seemingly more and more obstacles get thrown down in front of me with each passing day. It's overw…

"Everything's changing and I don't feel the same."

March has come and gone. Man, what an intense month. My world quite literally, got flipped-turned-upside-down.

It's been one full month plus three days since my surgery. I can honestly say I feel like a new person. This surgery did, indeed, change my life. Praise God for that.

Now, pending another run of extensive blood work at the end of this month, I may actually have some conclusive answers to all of my health issues that have been plaguing me over the past five years. That, in itself, makes my insides flutter with overwhelming excitement.

I've procured a new vehicle with the help of my amazing mom. Yes, I said "Amazing." She does, in fact, amaze me, even despite the obvious stress and frustration she causes me on a very regular basis. The important thing I've had to learn and, more importantly, accept is that despite her very abrasive nature, she DOES love me and she's doing it the only way she knows how to. Parenting is a never-ending learning p…

"For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time."

A few very personal resolutions I've decided to work towards in light of the fast approach of my 31st year:

(A) To trust more willingly and freely until given a reason to not do so.

(B) To spend more of my time actually living my life, and less time (1) worrying over things I can not control, (2) fearing the outcome of events yet to happen, and (3) incessantly trying to force MY vision of how I think things should unfold onto myself as well as others I choose to enter into a relationship with.

(C) To get comfortable with being completely alone - with myself, with my plethora of thoughts and emotions and ridiculous self-destructive thought processes. To not feel compelled to fill the void in my heart with meaningless relationships simply to serve as a distraction from the hurt and pain that I still feel even a year later.


And surprisingly enough - sadly enough - all of these are related; they intertwine with one another and constantly feed off of each other on a very regular basis.

All…

"Day One, Day One... Start over again..."

Deep breath in... Slow exhale out.

Funny story, I've always been a writer. Clarity always came to me when I did write... and for awhile there, after I became a mom, I was writing regularly... and it helped me tremendously.

But for the last few years, I had completely abandoned that vice. - Deleted my Myspace blog, and pretty much failed to keep up with any of my personal writings there after.

The past three years in particular have been trying, to say the very least. 2008 quite literally kicked my rear-end all over the place in every sense of the word. I was taken DOWN.

My first real bout with unemployment took place in the latter part of 2008 thus beginning the personal struggle between my heart and my head. Following my heart meant struggling - giving up a career in a field with plenty of job security to pursue my passion. - And as a single mother, this wasn't an easy sacrifice. Not only have I had to sacrifice, but my daughter has had to as well... more than she shoul…