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"Nobody Said it Was Easy."

I've been crying on and off for most of the past two days.

I can't really pinpoint why, but I just feel so fragile.

... so alone...

... so lost...

This was my first official week being off after the past crazy 6 weeks of hell at the market.

I slept a lot.  - And I mean A LOT.

I needed it.

.

I don't think anyone grows up thinking, "I'm going to get married, then divorced, then remarried, then divorced again, and buy my first home as a single mom of 2, and maybe, you know, decide to abandon my career of 11 years and go back to school to change careers - yet again - after my 39th birthday."

- But here I am.

Things are moving along though.

I've started the process of getting things set to go back to school in the Fall.  I'm finally going to pursue nursing. 

I've been doing makeup and hair professionally for 11 years now...  and I've seen this industry become so saturated as of late.  I'm tired of hustling so hard and seeing other new…
Recent posts

"I Can Feel So Unsexy."

Pensive.
So restless. My brain just won’t shut off.
I found myself thumbing through past photos I've posted to my social media accounts tonight.
It has overwhelmed me to reflect back on where I was just a year ago... then to look back at 2 years ago. - Makes me feel all the feels at the same time.
Sad.  Happy.  Defeated.  Proud.  
- To go back and reflect on your worries and fears from back then.

- To see how you overcame those obstacles.
- To realize that even though you're feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed out currently, you're able to recognize that you're going to overcome these current obstacles that are occupying precious space in your heart and your mind, robbing you of peace, just as you did before.
I truly am thankful for all the experiences I've had - good and bad.

I’ve grown so, so much in the last 2 years.


- With that being said, allow me to digress just for a minute:
If you ever need a lesson in self-love or accepting yourself where ever you are, go do…

New Year. New Goals.

#GoalDigger

No resolutions.  No specific order.

Just a list of things I'd like to embrace, accomplish, and achieve throughout this year.

I've been thinking on this post for several days now.

Posting it here for transparency and accountability's sake.

Without further ado...  let's get into this.

1) Practice - and make a habit of - loving myself first - where ever I am, just as I am.
  - Physically:  It's so easy to pick my appearance completely apart at any given moment.  - Whether it be those ever-present forehead wrinkles, that extra chin flab, the way my jeans squeeze my love handles up and out, how the back of my arms jiggle when I'm teasing a client's hair.
- It's all a work in progress though.  So as long as I'm making an effort to work on the things I am able to change about my body, I am trying to reprogram my thought patterns to be kinder to myself and to just keep moving forward without releasing those negatively-charged thoughts into my un…

"I've got issues, but you got 'em too."

Maintaining relationships - even friendships - take a fair amount of work.

Whether it be calling, texting, writing emails or even letters -- all of those things typically happen on a semi-regular basis in order for the people involved in those "relationships" to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been a craptastic friend at times.  But to the few true friends that I have now - presently - I've tried my hardest to maintain those connections and friendships.

- And for the most part, those efforts put in by me have been matched - if not completely exceeded - by the other party.

Don't get me wrong, there are those few special friendships where you can go ridiculously long amounts of time without talking or seeing each other, and then just pick up right where you left off.  I have maybe 2 or 3 long-time friendships like that.

Anyhoo, that's not what this particular entry is about, per se...

It's more about marriage, d…

"I'm Alive. You took it all, but I'm still breathing."

I'm alive. 

And that says something.

Something HUGE.

It means I survived one of the hardest, most difficult years of my life. 

Today will be my first Thanksgiving in 8 years without my former husband or his family.  He'll be picking Xander up around 1pm today. 

It wasn't my job to make the turkey this year. 

I have to make one casserole to take to Dianne's house for Thanksgiving dinner later this afternoon.

- Then I have to head to the mall to work.

I've split holidays with Emily's father for as long as I can remember, but this time around with Xander, it just feels different. 

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.

- But looking back on things and reflecting, I saw issues that started within a few months after we married.  - Issues I tried to overlook and make work, knowing deep down that those qualities and characteristics weren't going to fly long-term with me.

All in all, I didn't want this for my life. 

But th…

"No More I Love Yous"

November 1st marked the one year anniversary of leaving.

So much has happened.

So much has changed.

So much of myself is being rewired, reprogrammed, and rewritten.

I closed on Karla's house the last week of July.  I'm now officially a homeowner.

I've thrown myself back into my workaholic ways.  I started back at the Market in August after a 6 month hiatus.  I've stopped scheduling days off.  I work to keep my mind focused and to keep myself out of trouble.

Emily switched schools this year and is adjusting to being a 7th grader at a normal public school pretty well.  I think she's happier.  Her father and I are too.

Xander started speech therapy in a group setting with 3 other kids in August.  He goes for an hour and a half every Tuesday and Thursday.  This has helped tremendously in easing my worries over my non-verbal child.  He's smart as a whip, and is definitely understanding everything we say to him. He knows his body parts, letters - upper & lower ca…

"Dust yourself off and try again..."

Just sliding through your newsfeed to give everyone a life update since it's been awhile.

Plus this: Pity Party for 1  - I know, I know.  I should rise above it, but I just can't today.  Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

- Most everyone knows I've left my marriage back in November.

I moved into my best friend's house as a sort of "buffering period" so I could have some time to figure things out.

The whole process of separating was a constant up and down struggle for me.  I was never 100% sure that I was making the right decision for myself and for my kids.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I unintentionally shifted my life into neutral and just idled there for several months - ultimately waiting for my husband to either pull me back in or give me that last push away.

After the holidays, we did some counseling.  A handful of sessions - then we quit.  We both just felt like we were done at that point.

We spent a few months apart.