Monday, June 27, 2011

"Breathe in, breathe out, move on and break down..."

I seriously feel like I'm losing it.

Why is it so hard to accept and openly admit that you're in the middle of an all-out knock-down drag-out fight with depression???

I've seen it slowly creeping in for a couple of months now... each passing day getting more difficult to keep it all contained.

The extreme mood swings, the lack of patience, the hyper-sensitivity, the change in eating habits, the non-stop crying, the loathing of your own appearance, the insecurities, the difficulty sleeping, the lack of motivation to get out of bed...

It's all here.

Unfortunately, this has been something I've dealt with on and off for the majority of my life.

Circumstance isn't helping much either. My schedule has been all out of whack. Who knew working for yourself would wreck so much havoc on your day to day life? - And this house is about to drive me completely bananas. Renovations are s-l-o-w, to say the least. Between Alan working so much at his craptastic job and my being in and out of town, we haven't had much time or energy to devote to getting things done around here. This house hardly feels like a home. No matter how hard I try to keep it clean and in some sort of order, it seems pointless because of all the unfinished projects going on all at once. Needless to say, my OCD is in overdrive and I feel like I'm in a constant state of unfinished chaos.

I hate to think that I will be one of those people dependent upon anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I've been on just about every anti-depressant under the sun at one point or another and they all somehow manage to make me feel even more crazy than I already feel (just for the record, that's pretty damn crazy). - Let's not even get started on all the cruddy side effects you have to deal with on top of the "crazy".

Reluctantly, I'm making an appointment to discuss my options with my doctor but I'm curious to hear from all of you first about what medications have/haven't worked for you and if you have any natural remedies other than exercise, diet & St John's Wart that have helped.

I've tried it all... I'm less than thrilled about getting back on a daily medicine, but I've also had enough experience with this sort of thing to know that if I don't do something to get this in check now, things will most definitely start falling apart.

Please say a prayer or two for me and feel free to chime in with your two cents. :) Thanks.