Monday, June 10, 2013

"Baby, baby, baby - Ohhh!"

So my emotions have been all over the place lately and here's why:

- Yup, we are pregnant.

We had a bit of a scare last week.  I had some bleeding and cramping again...  and due to how our last pregnancy turned out, I was prematurely worried and heartbroken.

But we had an ultrasound the next day and the baby is doing just fine.  -And from what we witnessed on the ultrasound, we have a very active, bouncing baby bean in my belly.

I still have a subcorneal hemorrhage - which I had with the previous baby - but my doctor said the bleeding was the hemorrhage trying to flush itself from my system.  - So it's still there, but smaller and should resolve itself as the baby grows.  The doctor doesn't seem too concerned about it, but I am a creature of worry so please continue to keep us in your prayers as we venture through this pregnancy. 

We're excited.  - Especially Emmy.

- Oh, and Em and I are really, really hoping for a baby BOY.  :)

(All photos courtesy of Brooke Kelly Photography)

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

"I don't quite know how to say what I feel."

Life is full of ups and downs -- so many highs and so many lows.

I don't even know where to begin.

Recently, I've had to recollect a lot on my past. - Not only personally & privately, but in front of my physicians and with my spouse. - If that thought doesn't make you cringe, then you probably don't have a past quite as colorful as mine.

That being said, I am one to cling to a Christian belief system where if you confess your "sins" and ask God for forgiveness then you are ultimately forgiven & given a clean slate.

But despite my beliefs, I still struggle with self-forgiveness. There's still a great deal of shame and embarrassment when it comes to discussing the crummy decisions I made in my past. - And I can't help but feel that those decisions made so long ago are still affecting my life presently.

I half-jokingly say that God's finally punishing me for the awful things I did. - But even though I don't truly feel that way, I still sometimes wonder if there's any truth to that.

This week we should have been welcoming the arrival of that precious baby we lost back in November. We should have been massively sleep deprived and completely in love with a new bundle of baby-joy in our lives but God had other plans for us.

- Instead of being overwhelmed with love, we've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with a large serving of loss. We re-homed 2 sweet dogs and had to bury 2 other beloved dogs.

Needless to say, it's been a craptastic couple of weeks!

I feel so empty on the inside.

- And truthfully, I feel a little jealous (and admittedly, even a little angry) about all of my friends who have recently welcomed - or who are expecting to welcome their healthy, full-term bundles of joy any day now -- and feeling that way makes me feel even more wretched. It's a vicious cycle!

Dumpy donuts, right?

There's not much I can do at this point in time except wait... for answers, clarity, peace, forgiveness & healing.

Please pray your sincerest prayers of healing & protection over our family -- I just don't think I can handle anymore loss in my life right now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone5