Showing posts from September, 2010

"Runaway as fast as you can."

So maybe I lied...

I know my public blog has been fairly quiet, but the same can not be said about my personal, private journal.

Most of you know that I've been on an exuberantly embarrassing, uneventful relationship streak over the past year and a half. Furthermore, it wasn't till a month ago that I realized just how ridiculously ridiculous it had actually become. - So much so, I decided I should take a much needed breather away from dating, boys, drinking and all the other stuff that goes along with unhealthy coping practices.

Allow me to elaborate a little: The stand I took behind the ending of my last short-lived "relationship" with a man who was in theory "PERFECT" for me on paper, was that I just didn't have the time to devote to a full-on relationship in between juggling all of the following: being a mom, a student, an intern, a business owner and even a part-time employ - not to forget attempting to maintain the balance in my relationships with …

"Life shouldn't hurt; doesn't hurt so badly."

"Do you feel light shine in the darkest of nights, or does the pain stack up from the skin to the core? - Do you find every time that you cover your eyes to keep the tears held up, dripping down even more?"
- The Flight of Apollo by Angels & Airwaves

Over the last several days, I've allowed myself to come to a pretty substantial conclusion in my life.

I've not only realized but finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to give in to this void in my heart and make myself hurt through it.

I've spent the last 16 months desperately trying to fill this emptiness with an obscene amount of not-so-fulfilling distractions.

- And not so surprisingly, all those "distractions" have left me feeling even more empty and disappointed in myself.

To have expectations of someone seems to always end in disappointment. - But is it really possible to not have expectations of the people you love and those who claim to love you in return?

Validation has always been…

"I wouldn’t change a thing. It's made me all of who I am inside."

Bump, bump, bump... Yes. Yet another series of bumps in the long, treacherous road.

No matter how long of a "happy, positive and optimistic" streak I may be having, it never fails. The moon and the millions of stars can somehow spontaneously align and blow my positivity and optimism right out of the water.

Case and point: This week.

Monday evening, I received some alarming news concerning my future place of employment. Here I am, working on an art piece specifically for my treatment room and all of the sudden, just like that, the question of if I'll even have a treatment room to decorate is a very real question.

I woke up Tuesday morning already in a foul mood. I didn't sleep well at all. That in itself didn't make for the best of moods.

It was a gloomy day weather-wise here in Nashville. I somehow made it through another excruciatingly boring day of school. On the way home, I got word of a friend's mom passing away. The tears immediately started flo…

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin."

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.

I just want to feel deep in my own world. - But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. - But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again."
- Honestly OK by Dido

This particular album came out in 1999. I remember listening to it repeatedly throughout 2000. - Especially this song in particular. For many years to come, actually.

I felt the lyrics completely defined me. If you could look "Sylvia Lynn Fox" up in a dictionary - this would be the exact verbiage that followed my name. So much of what I felt for so long was expressed exactly as I felt them in the song.

Today marked my year anniversary of starting the Aesthetics program…