Feel It

Over the last several days, I've allowed myself to come to a pretty substantial conclusion in my life.

I've not only realized but finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to give in to this void in my heart and make myself hurt through it.

I've spent the last 16 months desperately trying to fill this emptiness with an obscene amount of not-so-fulfilling distractions.

- And not so surprisingly, all those "distractions" have left me feeling even more empty and disappointed in myself.

To have expectations of someone seems to always end in disappointment. - But is it really possible to not have expectations of the people you love and those who claim to love you in return?

Validation has always been something I've struggled with in my life. I tend to seek if from the people closest to me, and even more so from the men that I'm somewhat attached to. - Of course, how can we forget the plethora of "Daddy/Abandonment" issues addressed in my several years worth of therapy, right?

All I want - wait, all I "need" is more like it - after completing something personally challenging is to share that victorious moment with someone that will wrap their arms tightly around me, kiss me on the forehead and say, "Sylvia, I'm so proud of you" but lately, I haven't had many people to share those specific moments with. A phone call, text message or someone clicking the "Like" link on a Facebook status update just pales in comparison.

I remember reading an article on depression somewhere a while back that stated the average person needs 8 to 10 physical touches per day to ward off depression. I think I concur.

"Life's better with company. Everybody needs a co-pilot." - Quote from the movie "Up in the Air."

True. So true. But it has to be the right co-pilot. One that shares your views, your ambitions, your goals, your dreams, your life's wants... One that understands your emotional needs and one that can communicate with you effectively regardless of circumstance.

With all that being said, I'm tired of being disappointed by the unfulfilling people and things I keep investing my time into. So I'm refocusing, yet again. On myself. My family. My last two weeks of school. My business. My health and fitness - which includes my physical, emotional and mental well-being. My creativity and art.

I'm swearing off the plethora of unavailable men I always seem to attract.

I'm cutting back on the alcoholic beverages I consume on a weekly basis - and vowing to only indulge in them in very controlled situations.

I'm going to allow myself to feel the waves of pain that come along with the healing process - and try my hardest to not numb them by indulging in things that only temporarily make me forget.

Instead, each time it hurts, I'm want to attempt to focus that hurt into something positive, like a nice long run, or a bike ride, or a hike in the woods, or unleashing some creativity onto a new canvas.

I know I have to allow myself to hurt and heal before I can truly be ready for whomever it is that God has lined up for me in my future.