Safe In My Own Skin

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.

I just want to feel deep in my own world. - But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. - But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again."

- Honestly OK by Dido

This particular album came out in 1999. I remember listening to it repeatedly throughout 2000.

- Especially this song in particular. For many years to come, actually.

I felt those lyrics - deep in my soul. So much of what I felt for so long - currently still feel - was expressed exactly through those song lyrics.  

Today marked my year anniversary of starting the Aesthetics program. I started an 8 month course of study on this day last year, September 1st, 2009. I will be completely finished with my hours by the close of September at the very latest. It has taken me one year and one month to complete an 8 month course.

When I first got the news from my instructor that I had to return to school for a THIRD trimester, I was completely bummed. - Not to mention the ridiculous amount of money I just had to fork over for ADDITIONAL tuition costs today because my financial aid is still in an appeal status.

However, today was a good day.

I walked to my car after class, rolled down the windows, plugged up my iPhone and hit "Shuffle" as I began to pull away from campus. Low and behold, this song began to play.

Now in the past while listening to this song, I recall always feeling a bit melancholy and generally mellow. - But hearing it today was different.

For the first time in my adult life, I feel safe in my own skin. I am happy again.

I am 31. Divorced. Single - for once in my life and actually looking to stay that way for a while. Mother of one. Student, soon-to-be Aesthetician. A very qualified Nashville Makeup Artist. I'm an avid writer. And as of lately, I'm a painter. I'm a workaholic. I have a wonderful, supportive extended family as well as a handful of wonderful, reliable, supportive friends who love me unconditionally.

Life feels good again.

I've worked so hard for seemingly so long to obtain this sense of confidence in myself and my ability to perform any and all tasks God decides to lay down in front of me that was lost so long ago. There have been so many road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes and detours along the way, and I'm pretty sure there will be many, many more in the future. However, it's a great feeling to finally feel safe in MY own skin. - To feel completely happy again without having to fill any of the voids in my heart with unfulfilling, meaningless vices. - And I ultimately feel pretty well-equipped to handle whatever it is this crazy life might throw at me at any given moment.

That in itself is an inspiration for me to keep chasing my dreams.