Tomorrow is my last exam of Nursing School.
The big pre-NClex predictor exam.
I get pinned on Monday, and walk in Commencement on Tuesday.
It's been an extremely emotional time.
I literally have cried at least once a day for the past 4 weeks.
I'm so happy + excited to be done.
I'm also anxious + a little terrified about being responsible for patient's lives now.
And if I'm being completely honest + transparent, I'm just so sad.
For months, I've been fighting with myself over reaching out to my mother.
We haven't spoken since 2021.
I've typed out countless letters, emails, and text messages - but have not sent a single one.
Because when I pause + take a minute to unpack all the baggage that I know will surely follow IF I actually do send that particular message - I come to the realization again + again, that I'm just not ready to open myself up again to her toxic behavior.
It really is a daily struggle but I don't really understand why.
Are we just pre-programmed to always want a relationship with our parents?
Does the desire for your parent's approval ever go away?
I'm 45.
So much of my life has been spent trying to establish my value in someone else's life.
My interpretation of self-worth has been directly tied to how productive or successful I've been.
I'm a crier.
I cry a lot at church.
Sometimes I'm embarrassed that I cry so much at church.
I often wonder if that's ever going to taper off.
This past Sunday, I straight up ugly-cried.
While wrapping up his message, Pastor B said, "You have been assigned value well before you've done anything to earn it."
- And that was like a sucker punch in the gut.
So I'm actively trying to rewire my brain (+ my heart) to see my value + worth through God's lens - instead of an unrealistic filter of an unhealthy, narcissistic mother.
Some days are easier... but today has been extremely hard.
