Thursday, June 3, 2010

"Help, I need somebody."

It's days like today where I start to seriously question my purpose in life. I wonder when God made me, what was HIS intention for my life and what I would become??

Everything has been so crazy for so long now. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. First surgery, then my car, then the wait to start school, then a couple of prolonged, random illnesses and last but not least, most recently, the unexpected tuition cost I got slapped with last week. Seriously, will it ever stop???

I've been trying to work and keep busy as much as possible, but these vicious back-to-back illnesses haven't allowed that. Plus, my part-time job at The Market isn't keeping me scheduled. And of course, the artistry industry fluxes so much, that there is always the dip of lows in between the ridiculously busy times.

It seems like the more I try, the further behind I get and seemingly more and more obstacles get thrown down in front of me with each passing day. It's overwhelming - to the point where I just want to hide away from the world and disappear at times. - And I do, on many occasions, I slink away to bed, turn off my phone and just let everything run it's course in my head over and over again until I finally pass out from exhaustion.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I've sacrificed so much to pursue this dream of mine and to make accommodations to do the school thing. I've given up financial security, comfort and luxuries that come with having a good job and not having to worry about money.

My daughter has been the one to suffer the most through this time with me, though she's still too young to understand it all; there have been many times where she's asked me, "Mommy, can we buy this?" and I'd simply have to say no and explain to her that mommy isn't working a lot right now and that we just have to hang tight for a few more months. Thankfully, I have a very sweet child that doesn't throw huge temper tantrums in the middle of retail stores when she doesn't get her way. - There have been several instances where I've had to leave her with friends so that I could work. Thankfully, she's understanding and resilient. - And then there are the many days where I've worked myself sick to the point of exhaustion where she's had to give mommy lots of space and quiet time to recoup. - Thankfully, she's intuitive and loves me regardless.

That's no way for a 5 year old to live. She shouldn't have to carry all that on her little shoulders. So on the days where she gets into a lot of trouble at daycare, like today, in the midst of big transitions, I can't help but feel that I've failed at being a good mom. I wonder if I had been just a little more present lately, would she be acting out this way??

On days like this, I wonder if I'm selfishly chasing a dream without regard for reality. I wonder if this is really my calling. If it will all be worth the struggle and the many sacrifices once I'm finished with school? Will it be a fruitful investment of the time I can't get back with my daughter?

I can usually pray myself out of these kinds of funks, and usually get a reassuring sign that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, but for some reason, this funk is relentless and no obvious signs have surfaced quickly enough for me to recognize any form of light at the end of a very dark, dark tunnel.

So I'm requesting prayers, good juju and prosperity dances be lifted up and sent my way. - Specifically asking for guidance in my life and business, for answers to the many, many questions I have about my future, and for a plethora of patience and grace to keep on keepin' on.

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?" - The Beatles