Monday, June 11, 2012

"How's it gonna be..."

I'm down one pound since last week's weigh in.  So I'm still at 193.

I had a series of doctors appointments over the course of 2 weeks and for the most part all my labs came back fairly normal.  There were a few things my doctor said we would watch over the next few months, but also said if I get my diet and exercise habits in order those things should remedy themselves.

I am officially off all medications - excluding Zyrtec for my ridiculous allergies.  I stopped taking my anti-depressant (Celexa) about 2 months ago and seem to be doing fine emotionally -- at least for now.  My doctor mentioned there is a new medication out that has none of the side effects that concern me most and since I've tried so many other anti-depressants over the course of my adult life, if we -- as in my family -- started to notice signs of depression creeping back in it would be a good fit for me.  I also opted to take Melatonin to help me sleep instead of a sleep-aid and that seems to be helping with my erratic sleep schedule.

Last Wednesday I had to have a minor out-patient surgical procedure to have my IUD removed.  Typically, surgery isn't necessary to have them removed, however, my device had traveled a bit into my cervical canal.  The procedure wasn't too horrible.  They gave me local anesthesia so I didn't feel too much.  - Though I've been quite crampy since - today being no exception.

I almost called to cancel the removal 3 times that morning.  I think I was more scared of the fact that I am now able to get pregnant than of the procedure itself.

I don't get it.  I have no idea what I'm so afraid of.  I'm in the ideal situation to add to my family.  I have a husband who is a wonderful husband and step-dad to my daughter and who will no doubt be a great father to his own child.  I have a sweet, intuitive daughter who will be an amazing big sister.  We have a home and we both are gainfully employed.  All situations are right for spawning.

- So why then am I so freaking scared?  What's got me so completely spooked?  -- I don't exactly know nor can I put my finger specifically on just one thing.

I worry about:  - My business.  - My family's finances and overall security.  - The strain a new baby can put on a new marriage.  - Providing for a baby.  - Being that girl who has 2 kids from 2 different dads. (Have I been watching too much Maury?)

I've been so pensive over the last few days -- trying to pinpoint where all this anxiety is coming from.

I think deep down I'm still so pessimistic when it comes to what I believe about relationships and commitment.  I was programmed from a very young age by my own mother to always be prepared for the bottom to fallout of whatever seemingly perfect relationship I put myself into.  It's hard to undo that kind of thinking.  - Especially if you personally haven't experienced anything different in your own life experiences.  I have always had a very difficult time seeing me with one person for the rest of my life -- not because I have any desire to leave -- but rather I have this unrealistic expectation that he will ultimately leave me alone in the end.  There are no 100% guarantees in life or in love and that scares me to death.

Wanting to get married to Alan really was a big thing for me.  I honestly didn't see myself finding someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in my cards - especially after the horrible breakup of 2009.  - And Alan often jokes that we got married so quickly because he didn't want to give me the chance to run away -- sometimes I can't help but wonder how much truth to that there really is. 

So to consider bringing another child into this world is an even BIGGER thing for me...  and actually acting upon it by ceasing all forms of birth control is HUGE - super-duper-ridiculous huge. Three years ago, I would have hysterically laughed in your face had you told me I would be planning to have another child.  It just wasn't something I wanted to do again at all. 
Even now, I'm unsure.  The idea of it is nice.  I really would love to have a little boy to dork out with since Emily is sooooo super girly.  But the reality is that I'm just so unsure and so scared of the unknown.

Ideally -- with me being the over-planner that I am -- I'd like to wait till the end of the year to even start thinking about actively trying.  I'd like to get a few more things around our house completed.  I'd also like get my body to a healthier state so I can house a growing fetus and remain fairly active throughout the pregnancy -- that was something I didn't do with Emily and I remember regretting it after she came.

Once my cycles regulate, I know I will be frantically tracking them like a mad woman.  - But I figured the longer the IUD stayed in, the more excuses as to why we should wait for a more "convenient time" I would make - and let's be completely honest here -- there is no good time to have a baby.  -- Time is of the essence and I am no spring chicken anymore. 

If it happens, it happens and we will deal the best way we know how.

But for now, all I can do is take it one day at a time.  - Pray for peace and clarity often.  - Breathe and have faith that God knows exactly what He's doing.