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Showing posts from 2017

"I've got issues, but you got 'em too."

Maintaining relationships - even friendships - take a fair amount of work.

Whether it be calling, texting, writing emails or even letters -- all of those things typically happen on a semi-regular basis in order for the people involved in those "relationships" to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been a craptastic friend at times.  But to the few true friends that I have now - presently - I've tried my hardest to maintain those connections and friendships.

- And for the most part, those efforts put in by me have been matched - if not completely exceeded - by the other party.

Don't get me wrong, there are those few special friendships where you can go ridiculously long amounts of time without talking or seeing each other, and then just pick up right where you left off.  I have maybe 2 or 3 long-time friendships like that.

Anyhoo, that's not what this particular entry is about, per se...

It's more about marriage, d…

"I'm Alive. You took it all, but I'm still breathing."

I'm alive. 

And that says something.

Something HUGE.

It means I survived one of the hardest, most difficult years of my life. 

Today will be my first Thanksgiving in 8 years without my former husband or his family.  He'll be picking Xander up around 1pm today. 

It wasn't my job to make the turkey this year. 

I have to make one casserole to take to Dianne's house for Thanksgiving dinner later this afternoon.

- Then I have to head to the mall to work.

I've split holidays with Emily's father for as long as I can remember, but this time around with Xander, it just feels different. 

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.

- But looking back on things and reflecting, I saw issues that started within a few months after we married.  - Issues I tried to overlook and make work, knowing deep down that those qualities and characteristics weren't going to fly long-term with me.

All in all, I didn't want this for my life. 

But th…

"No More I Love Yous"

November 1st marked the one year anniversary of leaving.

So much has happened.

So much has changed.

So much of myself is being rewired, reprogrammed, and rewritten.

I closed on Karla's house the last week of July.  I'm now officially a homeowner.

I've thrown myself back into my workaholic ways.  I started back at the Market in August after a 6 month hiatus.  I've stopped scheduling days off.  I work to keep my mind focused and to keep myself out of trouble.

Emily switched schools this year and is adjusting to being a 7th grader at a normal public school pretty well.  I think she's happier.  Her father and I are too.

Xander started speech therapy in a group setting with 3 other kids in August.  He goes for an hour and a half every Tuesday and Thursday.  This has helped tremendously in easing my worries over my non-verbal child.  He's smart as a whip, and is definitely understanding everything we say to him. He knows his body parts, letters - upper & lower ca…

"Dust yourself off and try again..."

Just sliding through your newsfeed to give everyone a life update since it's been awhile.

Plus this: Pity Party for 1  - I know, I know.  I should rise above it, but I just can't today.  Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

- Most everyone knows I've left my marriage back in November.

I moved into my best friend's house as a sort of "buffering period" so I could have some time to figure things out.

The whole process of separating was a constant up and down struggle for me.  I was never 100% sure that I was making the right decision for myself and for my kids.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I unintentionally shifted my life into neutral and just idled there for several months - ultimately waiting for my husband to either pull me back in or give me that last push away.

After the holidays, we did some counseling.  A handful of sessions - then we quit.  We both just felt like we were done at that point.

We spent a few months apart.

"I try to make the worse seem better..."

Here's another one for transparency...

I've been in a very dark, dark place.

I cry myself to sleep every single night over my marriage failing.

I'm hurt beyond any of my own words can express and I am just so angry.

I don't completely understand why though.

I chose to leave.

Ironically - for my happiness.

But did I really want this?

Did I want to tear my family apart?  No.

Did I want to leave our home and every security I had?  No.

Did I want to feel these awful feelings toward my husband?  No.

Did I want this - divorce - to ultimately be the end result?  No.

Truthfully, by my leaving I wanted that to be a catalyst for my husband to step the hell up and finally really hear what I had been saying for the 3 years prior.

I wanted him to fight for me...  for our family.

I wanted him to SHOW me he was everything I needed and wanted in a marriage.

I wanted him to step up and be the PARTNER I needed in my life for the past 6 years.

But instead of changes for our life toge…

"No Better You than the You that You Are..."

Tonight broke me.

- Heartbroken doesn't quite cover it.

I honestly can't remember the last time I've cried this hard and for this long. It's been cathartic, but completely exhausting at the same time.

I'm giving myself the rest of tonight to purge these feelings, emotions, and the negative energy - to mourn the loss of a relationship that I now know, shouldn't have ever happened in the first place.

You can't complete a puzzle that you weren't given all the pieces to.  I find a whole lot of peace in that.  I was ill-prepared for the fight and tried so hard to fix something that I never could have fixed.

One more night.  A few more hours.  - To cry, to sob uncontrollably, to scream and yell at myself.  - Then I'm officially letting it all go.  I'm going to give it to God and go to sleep.

Thankful for His grace and that tomorrow is a new day.

Praying for peace, healing and guidance.

Keep breathing...  and just keep moving forward, Sylvia...  one…

"So this is the New Year..."

New Years Eve 2016 came and went.

I had big plans, but they were sidelined by a call from my soon-to-be-ex-husband. 

He called me to tell me that he indeed wanted to divorce...  not even 24 hours from a phone conversation we shared where he had "so much hope for us and our future".  I was taken aback and very surprised by his sudden change of heart. 

I decided to forego my plans and just lay low.  Process everything.  Clear my head.

My New Years was quiet and uneventful.  I binged watched movies and cried a lot.

I didn't plan to make any resolutions...  Hell, I think I just wanted to survive the holidays.

Now that I'm on the other side, I still can't say I have any specific resolutions for 2017.

I do have a lot of changes I'd like to incorporate into my everyday life going forward though...

Some of those being:

- To take it one day at a time.
- To be more present during my time with family and friends.
- To keep moving forward.
- To keep pushing myself tow…