Still Breathing

I'm alive.

And that says something.

Something HUGE.

It means I survived one of the hardest, most difficult years of my life.

Today will be my first Thanksgiving in 8 years without my former husband or his family.  He'll be picking Xander up around 1pm today.

It wasn't my job to make the turkey this year.

I have to make one casserole to take for a Thanksgiving dinner later this afternoon.

- Then I have to head to the mall to work.

I've split holidays with Emily's father for as long as I can remember, but this time around with Xander, it just feels different.

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.

- But looking back on things and reflecting, I saw issues that started within a few months after we married.  - Issues I tried to overlook and make work, knowing deep down that those qualities and characteristics weren't going to fly long-term with me.

All in all, I didn't want this for my life.

But the truth is, I didn't want that for my life either.  "That" being: A mediocre, unfulfilling marriage where I felt unappreciated, unheard and unloved much of the time.

I've spent much of the past year dissecting and analyzing myself.

I think I've finally made peace - only fairly recently - with the fact that my marriage failed.  Even though I'm the one that chose to leave, I still struggled everyday with that decision.

Much of this past year has been spent in survival mode.  I threw myself into my kids and work.  Not taking any time for myself.  I just wanted to be okay not only for my kids but for me, too.

So even though today is a bit of an adjustment for me, and I am feeling dumpy about not being able to be with my kids and my former family of in-laws whom I miss and still love dearly, I'm thankful for today.

I'm thankful for my other family of former in-laws who are still very much family to me.

I'm thankful for these early morning hours that I'm able to just snuggle and cuddle with Xander while his sister is still asleep before he leaves this afternoon. 

I'm thankful for God's timing.  - Everything panned out as well as it could considering all the crappy circumstances surrounding the sale and purchase of this house that is now our home.

I'm thankful for my girlfriends.

I'm also thankful for my Girl Tribe of fellow Boss Babes who have all been where I'm at or are going through something similar right now.

I'm thankful for my job(s)...  Even though it's going to suck having to work tonight and early tomorrow morning, I'm super thankful for the girls I have at The Market and that I'm able to keep my mind occupied by working, instead of hiding in the confines of my home, alone, drinking wine and watching uber-depressing movies, and ugly crying without shame or judgement.

I'm just thankful for so many things.

It's hard to be sad when you've been blessed in so many other ways.

Today won't be easy, but it will be okay.