Life is full of ups and downs -- so many highs and so many lows.
I don't even know where to begin.
Recently, I've had to recollect a lot on my past. - Not only personally & privately, but in front of my physicians and with my spouse. - If that thought doesn't make you cringe, then you probably don't have a past quite as colorful as mine.
That being said, I am one to cling to a Christian belief system where if you confess your sins and ask God for forgiveness then you are ultimately forgiven & given a clean slate.
But despite my beliefs, I still struggle with self-forgiveness. There's still a great deal of shame and embarrassment when it comes to discussing the crummy decisions I made in my past. - And I can't help but feel that those decisions made so long ago are still affecting my life presently.
I half-jokingly say that God's finally punishing me for the awful things I did. - But even though I don't truly feel that way, I still sometimes wonder if there's any truth to that.
This week we should have been welcoming the arrival of that precious baby we lost back in November. We should have been massively sleep deprived and completely in love with a new bundle of baby-joy in our lives but God had other plans for us.
- Instead of being overwhelmed with love, we've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with a large serving of loss. We re-homed 2 sweet dogs and had to bury 2 other beloved dogs.
Needless to say, it's been a craptastic couple of weeks!
I feel so empty on the inside.
- And truthfully, I feel a little jealous (and admittedly, even a little angry) about all of my friends who have recently welcomed - or who are expecting to welcome their healthy, full-term bundles of joy any day now -- and feeling that way makes me feel even more wretched. It's a vicious cycle!
Dumpy donuts.
There's not much I can do at this point in time except wait... for answers, clarity, peace, forgiveness & healing.
Please pray your sincerest prayers of healing & protection over our family -- I just don't think I can handle anymore loss in my life right now.
I recently have gotten into reading some Brene Brown books - she is a researcher that spent the bulk of her career studying Shame and how it stands in your way of "whole-heatered living" as she calls it. She's really great and I have been enjoying her books. She also did some TEDx talks that are online. Check her out - I think you may like her. I have the books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly" if you want to borrow them when I'm done :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.brenebrown.com/
You are such a brave and strong woman. You will get through all of this. We all have a past and it has gotten you exactly where you are supposed to be right now. You can't let yourself fall down into that dark hole holding all of the things you are ashamed of. Let them go and move on. Be the person you are NOW. An amazing mother, wonderful wife, supportive and encouraging friend and more. You are such a beautiful soul.
ReplyDeleteSending you all my love. And trust Nicole's book advice--she has great taste. ;)
xoxoxo