Words

I've been struggling to find words to describe how I've been feeling as of late.

I've never been one to be very open about my problems, emotions or feelings -- especially to my girlfriends.

I guess that all spawned from my mom constantly telling me that people just don't care when your life isn't "good" -- no one wants to be brought down by your bad news/mood/circumstance - whatever the case may be.

- Through the years and the MANY changes to my friend circle my life has undergone; for the most part, I found this to be true more often than not.

So instead of openly complaining or reaching out to my "friends" for comfort, I try, instead, to seem as positive as possible on the outside despite the inner turmoil happening on the inside and just keep my personal battles to myself.

Lately though, I've felt pretty alone. Aside from my daughter and my husband, I've truly felt like I don't have any friends anymore. - Maybe "friends" isn't the right word... It's more like "meaningful connections" with my friends.

I feel so completely out of the loop these days.

My friends from back home (Florida) rarely ever call - and honestly, home doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Nashville is definitely where I've made home.

- But even here, lately, I've felt so disconnected and so lonely. I feel like I have 2, maybe 3, solid friendships these days -- and even those seem pretty non-existent right now due to everyone dealing with their own personal struggles. - And then the rest of my friends are only "friends" by proxy -- meaning they're all friends with my 2 friends or my husband, so I'm just sort of included in their email exchanges, invited to gatherings and so on and so forth - but I still don't feel like I really fit in.

- I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.

All I know is I've been super introverted and have isolated myself from every possible social situation I've been faced with for the past several weeks simply to avoid having to talk about personal stuff.

- Crazy, I know.

I don't really know exactly what the point of this journal entry is, but I feel like I should make some goals for myself to try to remedy how I'm feeling in hopes that it doesn't escalate to anything more serious.

• I want to make friends with children close to Emily's age. - Maybe find a mom's group to be a part of.

• I want to find a church home where I feel comfortable. I get overwhelmed by big, stuffy churches.

• I want to cut back on working so much so I can spend more time with friends and family.

• I want to start doing dinner and movie nights with my friends at our home again.

Maybe I'll figure it all out soon enough or just snap out of this self-induced funk I'm in. - Either way is fine by me. Say a prayer for me if you will, please & thank you.