(A) To trust more willingly and freely until given a reason to not do so.
(B) To spend more of my time actually living my life, and less time (1) worrying over things I can not control, (2) fearing the outcome of events yet to happen, and (3) incessantly trying to force MY vision of how I think things should unfold onto myself as well as others I choose to enter into a relationship with.
(C) To get comfortable with being completely alone - with myself, with my plethora of thoughts and emotions and ridiculous self-destructive thought processes. To not feel compelled to fill the void in my heart with meaningless relationships simply to serve as a distraction from the hurt and pain that I still feel even a year later.
And surprisingly enough - sadly enough - all of these are related; they intertwine with one another and constantly feed off of each other on a very regular basis.
I've always had severe trust issues, and even more severe abandonment issues. Five years in therapy and we are fairly positive that they most definitely stem from my father leaving my mother (divorce) and from my mother not protecting me when she should have (sexual harassment/abuse).
With all that being said, theoretically, the two people most anyone would look to for comfort, security and unconditional love would naturally be their parents, right? So what happens when that bond is non-existent? Apparently, obviously, you grow up to be a very emotionally needy, ridiculously insecure little girl who is always looking for reassurance and praise from those she surrounds herself with. - Yeah, unfortunately, that's me in a nutshell. - But what I've realized over the past year, even in the last few weeks, is that most people aren't equipped to be that forthcoming and intuitive with that amount of much-needed affection, reassurance and praise that someone like me might - not "might" - does require.
So what do you do???
Well, in my case, I feel as if I've been spinning my wheels, always trying to make myself "fit" into other people's lives and end up completely ostracizing myself from my own. And, since my last "official" breakup, I've come to realize that even though I knew that particular relationship was headed nowhere long-term, I still felt a need to be needed. - Oh that incessant, undying need to be needed! Gosh, I'm so sick of that! It's been a defining characteristic of mine for as long as I can remember.
- But I digress, I need to get comfortable with being alone. Plain and simple.
"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone." - Pink
- Yeah, I need to NOT relate to those lyrics when my phone goes several days without a call from a familiar friend, or when it doesn't double ding with a sweet text from a boy every few hours.
"Contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart." - Natalie Merchant
"Contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart." - Natalie Merchant
- I need to be content with simply staying home - alone - even when my daughter is not here... and I have a functioning car... and a whole night off from school, interning, work and/photo shoots... and several options to do things with friends or even maybe a date.
Yeah... I need to learn how to simply be... Just be.
Yeah... I need to learn how to simply be... Just be.
It's interesting that I seem to have the opposite problem. Before having Gavyn, I was very content spending my nights alone at home. My problem was being social! I prefer a silent phone. Sometimes I wonder why I even have one! I prefer being alone with my thoughts because it helps me focus on what's important and what needs to be done. No tv. No computer. Sometimes just a good book or a warm bath. Just "being" can be refreshing to the mind and soul.
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