Breakdown

I seriously feel like I'm losing it.

Why is it so hard to accept and openly admit that you're in the middle of an all-out knock-down drag-out fight with depression???

I've seen it slowly creeping in for a couple of months now... each passing day getting more difficult to keep it all contained.

The extreme mood swings, the lack of patience, the hyper-sensitivity, the change in eating habits, the non-stop crying, the loathing of your own appearance, the insecurities, the difficulty sleeping, the lack of motivation to get out of bed...

It's all here.

Unfortunately, this has been something I've dealt with on and off for the majority of my life.

Circumstance isn't helping much either. My schedule has been all out of whack. Who knew working for yourself would wreck so much havoc on your day to day life? 

- And this house is about to drive me completely bananas. Renovations are s-l-o-w, to say the least. This house hardly feels like a home. No matter how hard I try to keep it clean and in some sort of order, it seems pointless because of all the unfinished projects going on all at once. Needless to say, my OCD is in overdrive and I feel like I'm in a constant state of unfinished chaos.

I hate to think that I will be one of those people dependent upon anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I've been on just about every anti-depressant under the sun at one point or another and they all somehow manage to make me feel even more crazy than I already feel (just for the record, that's pretty damn crazy). - Let's not even get started on all the cruddy side effects you have to deal with on top of the "crazy".

Reluctantly, I'm making an appointment to discuss my options with my doctor but I'm curious to hear from all of you first about what medications have/haven't worked for you and if you have any natural remedies other than exercise, diet & St John's Wart that have helped.

I've tried it all... I'm less than thrilled about getting back on a daily medicine, but I've also had enough experience with this sort of thing to know that if I don't do something to get this in check now, things will most definitely start falling apart.

Please say a prayer or two for me and feel free to chime in with your two cents. :) Thanks.

Feel It

Over the last several days, I've allowed myself to come to a pretty substantial conclusion in my life.

I've not only realized but finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to give in to this void in my heart and make myself hurt through it.

I've spent the last 16 months desperately trying to fill this emptiness with an obscene amount of not-so-fulfilling distractions.

- And not so surprisingly, all those "distractions" have left me feeling even more empty and disappointed in myself.

To have expectations of someone seems to always end in disappointment. - But is it really possible to not have expectations of the people you love and those who claim to love you in return?

Validation has always been something I've struggled with in my life. I tend to seek if from the people closest to me, and even more so from the men that I'm somewhat attached to. - Of course, how can we forget the plethora of "Daddy/Abandonment" issues addressed in my several years worth of therapy, right?

All I want - wait, all I "need" is more like it - after completing something personally challenging is to share that victorious moment with someone that will wrap their arms tightly around me, kiss me on the forehead and say, "Sylvia, I'm so proud of you" but lately, I haven't had many people to share those specific moments with. A phone call, text message or someone clicking the "Like" link on a Facebook status update just pales in comparison.

I remember reading an article on depression somewhere a while back that stated the average person needs 8 to 10 physical touches per day to ward off depression. I think I concur.

"Life's better with company. Everybody needs a co-pilot." - Quote from the movie "Up in the Air."

True. So true. But it has to be the right co-pilot. One that shares your views, your ambitions, your goals, your dreams, your life's wants... One that understands your emotional needs and one that can communicate with you effectively regardless of circumstance.

With all that being said, I'm tired of being disappointed by the unfulfilling people and things I keep investing my time into. So I'm refocusing, yet again. On myself. My family. My last two weeks of school. My business. My health and fitness - which includes my physical, emotional and mental well-being. My creativity and art.

I'm swearing off the plethora of unavailable men I always seem to attract.

I'm cutting back on the alcoholic beverages I consume on a weekly basis - and vowing to only indulge in them in very controlled situations.

I'm going to allow myself to feel the waves of pain that come along with the healing process - and try my hardest to not numb them by indulging in things that only temporarily make me forget.

Instead, each time it hurts, I'm want to attempt to focus that hurt into something positive, like a nice long run, or a bike ride, or a hike in the woods, or unleashing some creativity onto a new canvas.

I know I have to allow myself to hurt and heal before I can truly be ready for whomever it is that God has lined up for me in my future.

Safe In My Own Skin

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again.

I just want to feel deep in my own world. - But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened. - But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin. I just want to be happy again."

- Honestly OK by Dido

This particular album came out in 1999. I remember listening to it repeatedly throughout 2000.

- Especially this song in particular. For many years to come, actually.

I felt those lyrics - deep in my soul. So much of what I felt for so long - currently still feel - was expressed exactly through those song lyrics.  

Today marked my year anniversary of starting the Aesthetics program. I started an 8 month course of study on this day last year, September 1st, 2009. I will be completely finished with my hours by the close of September at the very latest. It has taken me one year and one month to complete an 8 month course.

When I first got the news from my instructor that I had to return to school for a THIRD trimester, I was completely bummed. - Not to mention the ridiculous amount of money I just had to fork over for ADDITIONAL tuition costs today because my financial aid is still in an appeal status.

However, today was a good day.

I walked to my car after class, rolled down the windows, plugged up my iPhone and hit "Shuffle" as I began to pull away from campus. Low and behold, this song began to play.

Now in the past while listening to this song, I recall always feeling a bit melancholy and generally mellow. - But hearing it today was different.

For the first time in my adult life, I feel safe in my own skin. I am happy again.

I am 31. Divorced. Single - for once in my life and actually looking to stay that way for a while. Mother of one. Student, soon-to-be Aesthetician. A very qualified Nashville Makeup Artist. I'm an avid writer. And as of lately, I'm a painter. I'm a workaholic. I have a wonderful, supportive extended family as well as a handful of wonderful, reliable, supportive friends who love me unconditionally.

Life feels good again.

I've worked so hard for seemingly so long to obtain this sense of confidence in myself and my ability to perform any and all tasks God decides to lay down in front of me that was lost so long ago. There have been so many road blocks, speed bumps, pot holes and detours along the way, and I'm pretty sure there will be many, many more in the future. However, it's a great feeling to finally feel safe in MY own skin. - To feel completely happy again without having to fill any of the voids in my heart with unfulfilling, meaningless vices. - And I ultimately feel pretty well-equipped to handle whatever it is this crazy life might throw at me at any given moment.

That in itself is an inspiration for me to keep chasing my dreams. 

You gotta fall in order to mend.

It seems over the past several weeks, almost every person I've been around has mentioned something about my laugh - some being old friends, some being friends I haven't spoken to or seen in several months - even several years - and lots of random people I've met in passing while I've been out and about over the past few days enjoying my child-free evenings. I even had a hilarious exchange with a sweet girl in the Exit/In bathroom that resulted in an all-out laughing fit between the two of us. The more I laughed, the harder she laughed... so much so, she marched me straight to the bar and bought me a shot because I had "the most fantastic laugh." So funny, yet so very random.

The next day, after a phone conversation with an old friend, he texted me this, "It's nice to hear you laugh. You sound happy."

That's when it all hit me.

I AM HAPPY.

I haven't laughed a lot over the past few years. In fact, I think I cried more in 2009 than I've cried throughout my entire life.

Seriously.

Last year was intense. - Looking back now, I can see it wasn't the relationship that broke me; rather it was everything. Every single thing in my life - had come to a very abrupt, life-altering stand-still. The break up was just the proverbial cherry on top.

I haven't felt peace, security, stability, self-worth, joy - all those things associated with being a truly happy individual in a very long time. The realities of my life along with the abundant stress that came with voluntarily leaving a career as an insurance agent to completely change my career of choice to something most people only dream of doing for a living had finally robbed me of my infectious laughter. Granted, I admit, I allowed it to be taken without a very good fight. However, now that the finish line is within reach, I'm feeling the breeze of the downhill coast.

Don't get me wrong, life isn't all peaches and cream. I'm still stuck in school for 2-3 more weeks, therefore finances are still really tight, but at least I see a reprieve is just around the bend. Thank goodness for that.

It's been a long, hard, emotional journey; but by the grace of God and the unconditional love, support and unfaltering help my amazing family and friends have graciously continued to offer up, I made it through the toughest year of my life.

And for that I am forever grateful and happy.

Unfinished Chapter

Inspired to write, feverishly, fervently even, however, the words aren't eloquently flowing... My head is pounding with pain. A migraine is in the works. My heart is feeling torn between logic and emotion.

The war wages on... though, seemingly, for a lost cause.

Everyone constantly says, "Follow your heart." But what happens when your heart wants something that doesn't want you in return?

- Do you stay vigilant and true to your heart's desires?

- Do you hastily attempt to paste the pieces of your heart back together and move on?

What if you've tried it all?

Numerous times?

Failing miserably at all attempts to move on.

My being vigilant and faithful to my heart, fighting ferociously for my belief in a love so deep against the reasoning of someone so close, but yet, so far gone, repeatedly producing the same results.

So when is enough really "enough"?

I'm stuck in a bad rerun.

I know how it all goes down. I even know when it's all about to happen - every single time. I even understand both sides of the argument, more so now than I ever have.

So why, then, am I still surprised by the waves of sporadic sadness, hurt and disappointment I feel each and every time it happens again? Shouldn't I be numb by now?

I just don't understand it at all. Any of it.

I pray that this relentless, unfaltering love in my heart will eventually release it's hold of me so I that I can peacefully close an unfinished chapter in my life once and for all.

But until that day comes, I have no choice but to remain just as I am. Alone. Driven by the passion of achieving my dreams and being able to provide for myself and for my daughter by being in a career that I will thrive in and more importantly, one that I will absolutely love doing.

"You know when you are following your heart because it will feel right even if your mind is uncomfortable. Every inch of your body -- the very fabric of your soul -- feels alive."

Selfish Dreams

It's days like today where I start to seriously question my purpose in life. I wonder when God made me, what was HIS intention for my life and what I would become??

Everything has been so crazy for so long now. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. First surgery, then my car, then the wait to start school, then a couple of prolonged, random illnesses and last but not least, most recently, the unexpected tuition cost I got slapped with last week. Seriously, will it ever stop?

I've been trying to work and keep busy as much as possible, but these vicious back-to-back illnesses haven't allowed that. Plus, my part-time job at The Market isn't keeping me scheduled. And of course, the artistry industry fluxes so much, that there is always the dip of lows in between the ridiculously busy times.

It seems like the more I try, the further behind I get and seemingly more and more obstacles get thrown down in front of me with each passing day. It's overwhelming - to the point where I just want to hide away from the world and disappear at times. - And I do, on many occasions, I slink away to bed, turn off my phone and just let everything run it's course in my head over and over again until I finally pass out from exhaustion.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I've sacrificed so much to pursue this dream of mine and to make accommodations to do the school thing. I've given up financial security, comfort and luxuries that come with having a good job and not having to worry about money.

My daughter has been the one to suffer the most through this time with me, though she's still too young to understand it all; there have been many times where she's asked me, "Mommy, can we buy this?" and I'd simply have to say no and explain to her that mommy isn't working a lot right now and that we just have to hang tight for a few more months. Thankfully, I have a very sweet child that doesn't throw huge temper tantrums in the middle of retail stores when she doesn't get her way. - There have been several instances where I've had to leave her with friends so that I could work. Thankfully, she's understanding and resilient. - And then there are the many days where I've worked myself sick to the point of exhaustion where she's had to give mommy lots of space and quiet time to recoup. - Thankfully, she's intuitive and loves me regardless.

That's no way for a 5 year old to live. She shouldn't have to carry all that on her little shoulders. So on the days where she gets into a lot of trouble at daycare, like today, in the midst of big transitions, I can't help but feel that I've failed at being a good mom. I wonder if I had been just a little more present lately, would she be acting out this way??

On days like this, I wonder if I'm selfishly chasing a dream without regard for reality. I wonder if this is really my calling. If it will all be worth the struggle and the many sacrifices once I'm finished with school? Will it be a fruitful investment of the time I can't get back with my daughter?

I can usually pray myself out of these kinds of funks, and usually get a reassuring sign that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, but for some reason, this funk is relentless and no obvious signs have surfaced quickly enough for me to recognize any form of light at the end of a very dark, dark tunnel.

So I'm requesting prayers, good juju and prosperity dances be lifted up and sent my way. - Specifically asking for guidance in my life and business, for answers to the many, many questions I have about my future, and for a plethora of patience and grace to keep on keepin' on.

Keep Moving Forward

March has come and gone. What an intense month. My world quite literally, got flipped-turned-upside-down.

It's been one full month plus three days since my surgery. I can honestly say I feel like a new person. This surgery did, indeed, change my life. Praise God for that.

Now, pending another run of extensive blood work at the end of this month, I may actually have some conclusive answers to all of my health issues that have been plaguing me over the past five years. That, in itself, makes my insides flutter with overwhelming excitement.

I've procured a new vehicle with the help of my amazing mom. Yes, I said "Amazing." She does, in fact, amaze me, even despite the obvious stress and frustration she causes me on a very regular basis. The important thing I've had to learn and, more importantly, accept is that despite her very abrasive nature, she DOES love me and she's doing it the only way she knows how to. 

Parenting is a never-ending learning process... sadly it's taken me 31 years to acknowledge that small but simple fact, and yet, even though I am very aware that I will make many, many mistakes of my own with my child; I still am not quite ready to accept that I will often fail at my personal goal of being a mother nothing like my own.

It's been a whirlwind, this life of mine, recently.

Over the past year, I've experienced a wide range of emotions that have shifted my thinking and have forever changed me. I'm talking about complete, utter failure in every single aspect of my life. - Lest we not forget the single, biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced, and evidently, successfully endured and SURVIVED. - And the countless, seemingly unconquerable, obstacles I've encountered during this ridiculously long journey of passionately chasing down my dream for makeup artistry, beauty and fashion.

Being at the start of the downhill side of things now, I recognize that I am, indeed, a fighter. I haven't given up. I haven't quit. I'm making it through, though at times, not as gracefully as I would have liked, but all in all, I'm fighting through it and here I am. 

Renewed. Happy. Hopeful. And ridiculously excited about my future with those people who I am so very lucky to have in my life.

In closing, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Rocky Balboa. "It ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - How much you can take and keep moving forward. - That's how winning is done!"