2018

#GoalDigger

No resolutions.  No specific order.

Just a list of things I'd like to embrace, accomplish, and achieve throughout this year.

I've been thinking on this post for several days now.

Posting it here for transparency and accountability's sake.


1) Practice - and make a habit of - loving myself first - where ever I am, just as I am.
  - Physically:  It's so easy to pick my appearance completely apart at any given moment.  - Whether it be those ever-present forehead wrinkles, that extra chin flab, the way my jeans squeeze my love handles up and out, how the back of my arms jiggle when I'm teasing a client's hair.

- It's all a work in progress though.  So as long as I'm making an effort to work on the things I am able to change about my body, I am trying to reprogram my thought patterns to be kinder to myself and to just keep moving forward without releasing those negatively-charged thoughts into my universe.

  - Mentally & Emotionally: I'm a person who struggles with depression and anxiety.  I have major insecurities, hang-ups, and quirks that make it hard for me to open up to people outside of my friend circle.  I'm extremely emotional.  I cry all the time... when I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, happy, excited, proud, touched.

  For several years leading up to the separation, I made myself numb.  I stopped fighting.  I stopped crying.  I stopped caring...  all because I either wasn't being heard, or I was made to feel silly for being upset over whatever it was I was upset over.

  I don't want to lose that part of myself again.  I feel better when I'm able to cry freely without being judged or told to "suck it up" or to "be a big girl" about it.  - So this year is the year, I want to own feeling what I feel when I feel it... not to numb it, or dumb it down, or self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or meaningless relationships.  I want to feel it all and not be ashamed of being overly-emotional.  I want to be proud of myself for allowing myself to feel without worrying how others perceive me or about whether or not they approve of my crazy-emotional-self.  This past year and a half has been tremendously cathartic in the sense that I've cried more than I have in the 5 years prior.  I've allowed myself to feel and be felt and be heard again.  I'm well on my way to figuring out who and what I'm supposed to be now as a single mother of 2...  not a married mother of 2 kids, a nephew and a man-child of a husband.  (No offense to my ex if he's reading this...  these were MY feelings towards the end of our marriage, not facts.)


2) Prioritize self-care - for me and me alone.
  - This means not talking myself out of those unnecessary massage appointments, or much-needed manicures / pedicures, or pushing those cut & color hair appointments to every 6 months instead of every 6-8 weeks.

  - I was discussing motherhood and all the transitions moms go through with a new mom the other day.  It made me realize that most new moms - and moms who have another baby - all go through a period of time after having said baby where they feel frumpy or just don't really care about their appearance.  Sleep takes precedence. But most of them bounce back to being their version of "normal" sometime within that first year post-baby-birthing.

   After Xander, I definitely felt like a frumpy ass mom.  I nursed for 16 months.  Nursing attire isn't exactly the most flattering.  Feeling like a literal cow being milked every few hours.  Not having your body - or your boobs - to yourself.  The only touching of your breasts were by your baby or the breast pump.  My breasts had become purely functional.

   But even after I stopped nursing, I still didn't bounce back.  I never did anything to my hair.  It was always up in a ponytail or a bun.   I only did my makeup when I was going to work...  and even then it was super minimal and very toned down.  Sleep was still taking precedence.  - And I felt selfish asking for time to myself so I could get ready for work without my baby being attached to me.

   I struggled with aging gracefully.  I obsessed over looking age appropriate.  I worried if I wore too much makeup when I was out with my kids that I would be viewed negatively by other moms.  I convinced myself I was too old to do a smoky dramatic eye look on myself.  - That I had too many wrinkles to wear highlighter.  - That I was too old to wear a dark lip color.

   I think I started trying to force myself out of that frumpy-dumpy period in 2016.  I had a real hair appointment with a new hair stylist at a new salon on my 37th birthday.  I spent about 4 hours at the salon that day.  Spending more than an hour doing something for myself - without my kids - was not something I did...  EVER.  I told my hair stylist that I needed something very low maintenance and that I could only commit to touchup appointments every 8 weeks or so.

 
  In the fall of the prior year, I had picked up running again but with the hotter temperatures and the humidity, my runs were getting more and more sporadic.  So I joined the local gym a couple of months after my birthday and started going to the gym in the mornings after I'd drop Em off at school.  I didn't feel guilty for taking an hour for myself because most mornings Xander and his dad both would still be asleep while I was gone.

 
  - I got gift certificates for mani/pedis and massages from the kids and my ex pretty regularly.  I think after Mother's Day, I started making regular bi-weekly appointments for those services as well.

  - Anyway, I say all that because I'm now approaching my 39th birthday, Xander just turned 4, and I feel that I've only recently - within the last year - have really bounced back and found myself again after being stuck in that "Frumpy Dumpy Mom" stage.

  Most days now, I do take the time to wand or wave my hair with a flat iron, granted I don't wash my hair everyday anymore so once I style it, the next day's hair is minimal work.

  I have started being comfortable wearing more makeup again.  I don't shy away from doing a dramatic smoky eye look on myself anymore.  I've purchased non-conventional eyeliner colors that I wear on a regular basis.  I have comfortably worn a dark, bold lip to work and then to the grocery store with my kids and not felt embarrassed or self-conscious about it.

  Self-care isn't something to be ashamed or embarrassed of.  I feel better when I take the time to do the things that make me look and feel better.  Whether it be a long bath, a hair appointment to color and hide all the grays that are showing, or just throwing on a little winged eyeliner and a red lip... I can take better care of those I love when I feel better about myself.


3) To be able to fit into my skinny jeans.
  - This has been on my New Years list for several years now.  Every year I haven't made it happen.  This year is going to be the year.  I've set some hefty fitness goals for myself.  Prioritize workouts. Meal plan.  No excuses.


4) Make a solid decision about furthering my education... or not.
  - To commit to going back to school or not.  I feel like every year I toss the idea around and then completely abandon it.  I've been praying for some direction and answers lately and have even looked into some programs.
  It really just boils down to whether or not I feel like I'm using my God-Given talents to their full potential right now.  Is makeup what I'm called to do or is this just an avenue to get me to the next thing?  Ideally, I'm praying to have made a decision / commitment by Fall of this year.


5) Volunteer more.
  - I want to get plugged in somewhere and start giving back to the community...  I do a lot for dogs, but I want to do more for PEOPLE.  Specifically women and teens.  Reaching out to Thistle Farms this week.  Would appreciate any feedback or advice on organizations that might be good for me to look into.


6) Find a church to call home.
 - I've been visiting, but haven't committed to any one church as of yet.


7) Take some classes - just for fun.
  - An art class, a sewing class, a cooking class, a dance class, a DIY class.


8) Home Improvements / DIYing
 - Firstly, I need to paint the walls of this house.  I have all the paint, just ZERO motivation to do it by myself.  I'm going to schedule a paint party and all my friends better come.  Ha!
 - I also want to start tackling all those little things on the home inspection that need to be addressed.  I've always been apprehensive about doing things like that on my own, but I need to get over my fears and just start somewhere.  So, many trips to Home Depot are in my near future.
 - Lastly, I'd like to finally be able to afford putting a fence in.  So I can save more dogs, of course.  Ha!


9) Schedule more time off, mental breaks and mini vacations.
  - We all know I'm a workaholic.  If I'm not working, it's only because I have the kids at home with me.  Mental breaks and mini vacations have never been a priority for me.  This is the year that's going to change.  Hold me accountable.  If I start complaining about working too much, throw chocolate at me and tell me to get lost for a couple of days.  Seriously.


10) Say "Yes" & Say "No".
  - Say "Yes" to doing more things with friends.  Make time for coffee.  Have an impromptu girls day with your bestie or with Em.  Goat Yoga.  Barre class with Holly.  Pole with Steph.  Less excuses.  Make time.
  - Say "No" to cleaning up messes that you didn't make, to mom, to those last minute gigs that come up for the days you already blocked off for personal down time. 


11) Focus on just being happy. 
Pray more.  Worry less.
Choose my battles.  Argue and fight way, WAY less.
Be kinder than necessary.
Look for something good in everyone.
Give compliments freely.
Less "Dumpy Donuts" and don't be a "Debbie Downer".
Be a positive infectious force.
Kick butt, take names.

Issues

Maintaining relationships - even friendships - take a fair amount of work.

Whether it be calling, texting, writing emails or even letters -- all of those things typically happen on a semi-regular basis in order for the people involved in those "relationships" to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been a craptastic friend at times.  But to the few true friends that I have now - presently - I've tried my hardest to maintain those connections and friendships.

- And for the most part, those efforts put in by me have been matched - if not completely exceeded - by the other party.

Don't get me wrong, there are those few special friendships where you can go ridiculously long amounts of time without talking or seeing each other, and then just pick up right where you left off.  I have maybe 2 or 3 long-time friendships like that.

But that's not what this particular entry is about, per se...

It's more about marriage, divorce, and dating... the wretched transition to one or the other.

I was filling out employment paperwork the other day for another job I'm picking up for the holidays.  The standard stuff.  Name, address, social security, blah-blah-blah.

Then they ask who your emergency contact is...

If that question doesn't instill immediate panic into your heart, I'm assuming you're happily married or have supportive, reliable family near by.

Before 8 years ago, I believe my former mother-in-law was listed as mine. -  Or my first former husband - because we shared custody of a child together.

- Eventually, I began putting several names and numbers of people I felt would come to my aid should an emergency arise:  Dianne, Heather, Larry, Karla, Jen.

But I digress...  the form asked for a current emergency contact.

I didn't instinctively list one.

I went through my mental list - person by person.

I fought with myself as to why I chose the person I chose.  - That person being Xander's dad.

It wasn't so much the act of still selecting him as my "Person" - but the part that came after.

They asked what their relation to you is.

As I thought to myself, I selected the drop down box to see what my options were.  - And I'll be darned if  "Ex-Spouse" wasn't one of the options to select.

I don't know why, but that has been sitting so heavily with me as of late.

I remember when I was still married and fighting to make it work.  I would hear all the stories from my younger coworkers about dating and things like that.  My response would always be, "Man, I'm so glad I'm married and don't have to deal with that garbage."

But now, here I am...  just another scared, little girl with major abandonment issues, severe daddy issues, and an exuberant amount of emotional baggage looking for some glimmer of hope that my "person" is really out there.  - That one person who understands your issues, can identify with them, and be sensitive to them without being a complete douche-canoe.

Life is a constant transformation.  I can't get over how much I've done and accomplished in just one year's time.  But even despite those triumphant victories, I'm still very much a hot mess of a girl just trying to survive for herself and for her 2 kids.

Divorce sucks.  - But even in the constant state of worry, panic and anxiousness I'm in on a daily basis, trying to do all of this on my own, I know I'd rather be mildly stressed out and unhappy completely by myself than unhappy in a mediocre marriage or relationship that doesn't fit where my life and goals are heading.

The truth is out there.  I believe.

- But until that truth presents itself to me, I'll just be over here drinking bottles of wine and spilling my feelings out via my personal blog -  all by myself while the kids are in bed and the dogs are sprawled out and snoring beside me.

Still Breathing

I'm alive.

And that says something.

Something HUGE.

It means I survived one of the hardest, most difficult years of my life.

Today will be my first Thanksgiving in 8 years without my former husband or his family.  He'll be picking Xander up around 1pm today.

It wasn't my job to make the turkey this year.

I have to make one casserole to take for a Thanksgiving dinner later this afternoon.

- Then I have to head to the mall to work.

I've split holidays with Emily's father for as long as I can remember, but this time around with Xander, it just feels different.

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.

- But looking back on things and reflecting, I saw issues that started within a few months after we married.  - Issues I tried to overlook and make work, knowing deep down that those qualities and characteristics weren't going to fly long-term with me.

All in all, I didn't want this for my life.

But the truth is, I didn't want that for my life either.  "That" being: A mediocre, unfulfilling marriage where I felt unappreciated, unheard and unloved much of the time.

I've spent much of the past year dissecting and analyzing myself.

I think I've finally made peace - only fairly recently - with the fact that my marriage failed.  Even though I'm the one that chose to leave, I still struggled everyday with that decision.

Much of this past year has been spent in survival mode.  I threw myself into my kids and work.  Not taking any time for myself.  I just wanted to be okay not only for my kids but for me, too.

So even though today is a bit of an adjustment for me, and I am feeling dumpy about not being able to be with my kids and my former family of in-laws whom I miss and still love dearly, I'm thankful for today.

I'm thankful for my other family of former in-laws who are still very much family to me.

I'm thankful for these early morning hours that I'm able to just snuggle and cuddle with Xander while his sister is still asleep before he leaves this afternoon. 

I'm thankful for God's timing.  - Everything panned out as well as it could considering all the crappy circumstances surrounding the sale and purchase of this house that is now our home.

I'm thankful for my girlfriends.

I'm also thankful for my Girl Tribe of fellow Boss Babes who have all been where I'm at or are going through something similar right now.

I'm thankful for my job(s)...  Even though it's going to suck having to work tonight and early tomorrow morning, I'm super thankful for the girls I have at The Market and that I'm able to keep my mind occupied by working, instead of hiding in the confines of my home, alone, drinking wine and watching uber-depressing movies, and ugly crying without shame or judgement.

I'm just thankful for so many things.

It's hard to be sad when you've been blessed in so many other ways.

Today won't be easy, but it will be okay.

No More I Love Yous

November 1st marked the one year anniversary of leaving.

So much has happened.

So much has changed.

So much of myself is being rewired, reprogrammed, and rewritten.

I closed on Karla's house the last week of July.  I'm now officially a homeowner.

I've thrown myself back into my workaholic ways.  I started back at the Market in August after a 6 month hiatus.  I've stopped scheduling days off.  I work to keep my mind focused and to keep myself out of trouble.

Emily switched schools this year and is adjusting to being a 7th grader at a normal public school pretty well.  I think she's happier.  Her father and I are too.

Xander started speech therapy in a group setting with 3 other kids in August.  He goes for an hour and a half every Tuesday and Thursday.  This has helped tremendously in easing my worries over my non-verbal child.  He's smart as a whip, and is definitely understanding everything we say to him. He knows his body parts, letters - upper & lower case, can identify colors, animals and the sounds they make.  All age appropriate milestones.  He just won't physically open his mouth to say words.

My daughter is almost 13...  the dreaded "Teen" stage...  She's been going through, what I like to call the "Turdy Tween" stage for a couple of years now.  - Mild attitude.  - Some arguing and talking back.  - Stomping off to her bedroom and slamming doors in my face.  - But overall, she's always been - and still is - a very good kid.

This transition has been hard on me.  More so than I've let on.

She used to look at me like I was a total ROCKSTAR.

THE coolest Mom on the planet.

- Now she's embarrassed to be seen with me.  She pulls away when I try to love on her or even when I just want to touch her arm or pet her back.  She never tells me she loves me anymore unless I tell her first.  She doesn't need me to tuck her in at night anymore.  She doesn't need me to fix her hair or kiss her boo-boos away anymore.  It completely sucks. Seriously THE worst.

I jokingly said a few years ago, right after Xander was born, that it was perfect timing.  Xander would be super sweet, cuddly, affectionate, and tell me all the wonderful things Emily used to say to me by the time she hit the "Turdy Tween" stage.  She was almost 9 years old when Xander was born.

Xander will be 4 in December.  The only words I've actually heard him say with his mouth open and enunciating is "Clock", "Pop", "Cheese" and "Taki" - yes, as in Taki's - those awful, spicy chip-rod-things all the kids are obsessed with these days.

I have yet to hear him say "Mommy".

I've never heard him say, "Mommy, I love you so much."

- Or "Mommy, you're so beautiful."

- Or "Thank you, Mommy."

He's affectionate, but he's also a high-energy 3 year old toddler boy who thinks his mom is his personal jungle gym.  So I get climbed on, jumped on and launched off of more than I'm getting snuggles and cuddles these days.

It's hard.

Most days, I'm okay.

Some days I am not.

- Then mix a freaking divorce on top of all of that...

Deep Breaths.

Worse -> Better

Here's another one for transparency...

I've been in a very dark, dark place.

I cry myself to sleep every single night over my marriage failing.

I'm hurt beyond any of my own words can express and I am just so angry.

I don't completely understand why though.

I chose to leave.

Ironically - for my happiness.

But did I really want this?

Did I want to tear my family apart?  No.

Did I want to leave our home and every security I had?  No.

Did I want to feel these awful feelings toward my husband?  No.

Did I want this - divorce - to ultimately be the end result?  No.

Truthfully, by my leaving I wanted that to be a catalyst for my husband to step up and finally really hear what I had been saying for the 3 years prior.

I wanted him to fight for me...  for our family.

I wanted him to SHOW me he was everything I needed and wanted in a marriage.

I wanted him to step up and be the PARTNER I needed in my life for the past 6 years.

But instead of changes for our life together, he made excessive changes to the life he was making without me.

I was given excuse after excuse.

I was made to feel like a lying, cheating whore in our last counseling session.

And finally, this week, I was the recipient of his proverbial "truth bomb" implying that my vagina was the reason for our lackluster sex life.

Needless to say, I'm in shock.

I don't know how to feel or how to react.

I don't know this person at all anymore and wonder if I even really did in the first place.

I've been crying non-stop since Monday.

Since I left in November, almost every night has been spent in my room crying.

I want to know in my heart that I did everything I could have done to save my marriage.

I want to know that I left for all the right reasons.

I want to show my kids that I will fight for my happiness - even if that means we have to sacrifice certain comforts in life temporarily.

I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, provide a home for my kids and be okay on my own - instead of jumping from one unhealthy, unfulfilling living situation with a man into another out of convenience or necessity.

- All that to say, I'm still in a dark place emotionally.

My emotions are erratic and completely all over the place.

I've thought and considered things I never thought I would ever think.

I don't recognize the person staring back at me.

I'm angry as hell and full of so much hate and it's absolutely sucking the life out of me.

All I can do consistently right now is sleep and cry...  I can pull myself together for work most days, but the first time someone asks me about my personal life, the façade fades and I crumble.

My kids see me cry everyday.

My daughter is so strong.  I'm so very grateful for her.  When she sees me crying, she swoops in to grab her brother and then they start laughing together; and for a brief moment, the tears stop, my heart swells and I'm able to laugh through the tears.

Family.
Quality Time.
Laughter.
Friendship.
Communication.
Partnership.
Love.
Ambition.
Passion.

Those are all priorities in my life.  It's what I want.

I'm not there yet... but I will get there eventually.

I just keep telling myself this every single night:

Give it to God and go to sleep...

Breathe

Tonight broke me.

- Heartbroken doesn't quite cover it.

I honestly can't remember the last time I've cried this hard and for this long. It's been cathartic, but completely exhausting at the same time.

I'm giving myself the rest of tonight to purge these feelings, emotions, and the negative energy - to mourn the loss of a relationship that I now know, shouldn't have ever happened in the first place.

You can't complete a puzzle that you weren't given all the pieces to.  I find a whole lot of peace in that.  I was ill-prepared for the fight and tried so hard to fix something that I never could have fixed.

One more night.  A few more hours.  - To cry, to sob uncontrollably, to scream and yell at myself.  - Then I'm officially letting it all go.  I'm going to give it to God and go to sleep.

Thankful for His grace and that tomorrow is a new day.

Praying for peace, healing and guidance.

Keep breathing...  and just keep moving forward...  one foot at a time.

Perspective

There are two sides to every story...  and my side has been fairly quiet in comparison to the other.

I left the home I shared with my husband in early November.  I didn't take everything I had...  I left several of my belongings and my dogs in hopes that some time apart would clear my head and help me solidify my decisions to make the separation permanent or to want to try harder to save my marriage.

Only a handful of you know that I spent much of the last six years of my life doing just that...  trying to save my marriage.  I realized early on that there were issues that needed to be addressed and worked on together as a team...  as a partnership...  yet, those issues were never met with a sincere desire to fix anything.

In the past 3 years, I mentioned "divorce" to my husband on 3 different occasions...  all 3 times were about a year's time in between.  Each time, I had talked myself down from the cliff and just resided to try harder.

Last year, in August, I was starting to feel that urge to run again...  but instead of lashing out or trying to run, I pushed myself harder into my marriage.  I tried to spice things up in and out of the bedroom.  I asked my husband constantly what I could do better.  I pleaded to see a sex therapist and do some marriage counseling...  all my efforts were thwarted and our issues were downplayed into something smaller than they really were.

I think around November or December of last year was when I just quit fighting...  I didn't realize it at the time, I just quietly allowed myself to melt away into the background of our mundane life together.

I had resorted to Craigslist to entertain the idea of having an affair.  I made friends with a few random men for flirtatious banter and attention via text messages.  - But if it got to the point where there was an expectation of sex, I would shut that down immediately by blocking phone numbers and deleting email accounts.  I didn't want to be "that girl" who cheated on her husband.  I just wanted the attention and conversation I wasn't getting at home. 

Believe me, I realize how awful this sounds...  but in all fairness, and for the sake of being transparent, I wanted to share my shortcomings and failures as a wife as well.  I have shared all this information with my husband already, so he's not finding anything new out via my online blog.    

Anyhow...

I worked like crazy, then I'd come home, cook dinner, love on my kiddos and dogs and then spend the rest of the evening in a separate room of the house from my husband.

This had become our normal day to day routine.  Some days he'd even leave right when I'd walk in the door or vice versa.

I'd leave for out of town work for several days -- we would barely speak on the phone during my time away.  I'd come home and most times he wouldn't even get off the couch to come greet me after my return.

My husband had become my roommate and live-in babysitter...  except he wouldn't cook or plan dinners... that was always my responsibility.  In the 6 years we were married, I can probably count on both hands how many times he actually cooked dinner.  Even on the days where I worked 15+ hours...  I'd come home exhausted and the first words out of his mouth would be "What do YOU want to do for dinner?"  This became a very big point of contention in our relationship.

- But alas, I digress...

We had become roommates.

He made no effort to date me or spend time with me.  The only time he'd ask his parents to watch Xander was when I was out of town so he could go do things.  - Which is funny now, because in the last 2 months, Xander has spent more time with my in-laws than he has his ENTIRE life.


- But, again, I digress...

This August, I got tired of waiting around for my husband to want to hang out with me, so I started doing things that I liked doing.  I started going to get massages.  I started going to the gym and working out.  I started getting regular manis and pedis.  I figured if he didn't want to spend time with me, I'd fill my time with things I wanted to do and spend my limited free time with friends that did want to spend time with me.

I think the real wake up call for me came when a long-time friend visited in September.  This friend has known me for over 20 years.  - After a day or two of being at my house he said, "Your husband doesn't hang out with you."  It was almost more of a question than a statement.   -- And my immediate rebuttal was, "Yeah, I know, but it works for us."

Wait...  What?

Let that sink in a minute...

When did I become THAT girl?

I've always been one to be super affectionate and cuddly.  I've always been one who needed lots of attention and reciprocated that back to my partners.  I've always been one to talk and share my deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams and aspirations with the person I chose to share my life with.

- But I haven't been that girl with my husband. - Like, not at all.  - Why not?

That changed everything for me.

Over the next month, I mentioned that to my husband.  I told him on several occasions that I felt like we never spent any time together, that he didn't like to do anything I liked to do, that he didn't talk to me like he talked to other people.  I suggested things to do with my husband.  Activities we could do together.  Asked if he needed time to go out with his friends. - And even the day before I left to go out of town for a week for my nephew's graduation from basic training, I mentioned again the need to go to marriage counseling and my request was met with a simple "What for?"

So I left town for a week...  and found the only reason I wanted to come home was to see my kids and my dogs.  I didn't miss my husband at all. 

The very next day was when all of this officially started.  - 2 weeks later, I moved out.  - And now we're here.

I think we're both at the point now where we're done.

There's no hope for us getting back together.

Too many proverbial plates have been shattered.

Too many "I'm sorry, I should have / could have handled that better"s have been tossed about.

 It is done.

He's spending time with his friends again.  He's writing music again.  He's working out everyday again.  He's doing all the things I encouraged him to do while we were married...  it only took me leaving and tearing my family apart to make him a better man.

I tried.  God knows I tried.  I tried until I was completely depleted, desolate and numb.

When I was done, he finally decided he was ready to try.  - Too little too late, I suppose.

When my actions weren't what he wanted or expected in response to his recent "changes" he was making "for me" - he'd act erratically by hacking into my personal email accounts, reading messages and conjuring up "proof" of what he wanted or needed to hear from those messages and then shared it with MY friends to make me out to be the villain that he needed me to be.  I guess it's easier to believe I left him for some reason other than his shortcomings as a husband.  He unleashed unkind and hurtful words.  He did blatantly disrespectful things like inviting an ex-girlfriend who had been a point of contention early on in our relationship to my son's birthday party.

All these things he did and then just nonchalantly apologized for later.

So I call "Bullshit"... 

You can throw a plate against the wall and watch it shatter.  You can then apologize to the plate but that doesn't fix it.  It's still shattered.

That's how I currently feel in regards to my marriage.

It's shattered.

I left for me.  I left for my happiness.  I left for my kids' happiness.

I left because my children deserve to see what real love looks like - what a true partnership is supposed to look like - for them to not just accept that a marriage of convenience is normal.

I left for all the right reasons.  I didn't leave for or because of anyone else.

- Ironically, I left to achieve happiness, but I haven't felt this much sadness in a very long time.

Even though it was ultimately my choice to leave, it doesn't mean that I don't hurt.

It doesn't mean that I don't spend every night crying myself to sleep.

It doesn't mean that I don't mourn the loss of the years I spent in this relationship.

It doesn't mean that I don't pray every night for direction, answers, change, and peace.

It doesn't mean I'm exempt from experiencing the five stages of the grieving process:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression

And finally, 5) Acceptance...

My marriage is over.

I will be stronger on the other side of this.

My kids will respect me more for fighting for my happiness.

I wasn't ever just given anything, I've worked extremely hard for everything I've had in my life.

I will not settle for a love that's less than I deserve and be complacent just because it's the easier road.

I will find my equal.  I will find my match.  I will find my steadfast partner.  I will find my happy place.

It's just going to take some time for everything to fall into it's place.

- But until then... I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.