Xander

My last pregnancy picture EVER! 

 Sunday, December 15th, 2013.

At midnight on Monday, December 16th, 2013 the Husband & I were checking in at Summit Medical Center for our scheduled induction later that day.

We were assigned to room 202.

I was told to get settled and that the nurses would be in shortly to get me all set up.


My nurses returned and checked my cervix. I was already 4cm dilated, so they didn't have to administer the Prostaglandin E2 gel to ripen my cervix.

They hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor, a contraction monitor, a blood pressure band and started my iv. The iv to the hand has got to be one of the worst parts of labor & delivery -- at least for me.

By 2am, I was finally finished processing. Sandra told me to rest and that she'd be back in at 4am to start my Pitocin drip.

Rest and sleep seemed impossible for both the Husband and me. I tried to unwind by watching movies on the iPad, while the Husband played on his Nintendo ds.

At 4am, Sandra returned and started administering the Pitocin. She was back to check my progress about every 30 to 40 minutes.

My doctor had 4 inductions and a c-section scheduled for that day. The nurses were betting on me being the first to deliver.

Since my doctor had a c-section scheduled at 7:30am, my nurse suggested I go ahead and get my epidural before shift change happened at 7am since my contractions were picking up.

So around 6:30am the anaesthetic technician came in to administer the epidural. She advised me this "cocktail" of epidural was different from the one I had with Emily. Mainly, there would be more "feeling" of pressure so I would be able to push more effectively and that this epidural had a dose of narcotics mixed in.

A little after 7am, my doctor came in to break my water. He wasn't able to though... Something was at a weird angle preventing him access to my amniotic bag. - So he said he'd return to try again after his c-section.

This slowed my labor progress quiet a bit. Nurse Diane was concerned with increasing my Pitocin levels, so she inserted an inter-uterine contraction monitor to better gauge my progress.

A little after 9am, my doctor returned for his 2nd attempt at breaking my water. It took him a bit, but he was finally able to.

Now we had officially reached the "hurry up and wait" part of labor.

At some point around 10am, my in-laws arrived to keep us company. - And some time after that we heard cries of a newborn baby in another room which meant that I was NOT the first to deliver after all.

I was able to catch quick, short-lived naps but every time I woke I felt hot, feverish and nauseated from the narcotic in the epidural. I remember having to fan myself constantly and chew ice chips to keep from yacking in front of everyone.

Around lunchtime, I started feeling some pressure from the contractions and knew it wouldn't be too much longer.

About 12:30pm my in-laws decided to go grab some lunch from hospital cafeteria. The Husband and I both tried to rest for a bit.

At 1pm, Nurse Diane returned to check my cervix again and said we were getting close.

Around 1:15pm, the nurses started bringing all the birthing "equipment" into the room. Nurse Diane said, "It's time!" -- Poor Husband had JUST fallen asleep too!

They started converting my bed -- with me still in it -- into the birthing table. My in-laws had finished lunch and were trying to return to our room but were told it was time.

I think by 1:30pm, Nurse Diane had started coaching me on what to do and when to do it, but before she could finish talking, I had already felt the need to bear down and push. And so it began.

I don't remember how many times I pushed, I just remember Diane trying to get me to refocus on something other than the pain in between contractions by having me tell her about a craft project for a baby ornament I saw on Pintrest.

I also remember during each push I was thinking to myself, "How many more pushes?" "How much longer?" "Surely it can't be too many more! -But oh my God, what if it takes forever?!"

At some point my doctor arrived on the scene and took Diane's place. I think I only pushed a few more times and with each push, in my head, I was praying that baby Xander would come quickly.

Finally, I saw in my peripheral vision a little head... Then had to bear down and push one final BIG push and he was out. "Thank God" was all I could say.

Dr. Hamilton placed him on my chest and I remember the Husband saying that he looks like me and has Emmy's nose.

He was perfect. - Lots of dark hair. Super long, adorable fingers.

12/16/2013 @ 2:02pm - Xander Alan Fox-Smith, 7lbs 15oz, 20 inches long.

Around 4pm, thanks to Aunt Heather, Big Sister Emily who had been at school all day finally got to meet her new baby brother.

Baby!

So my emotions have been all over the place lately and here's why:

- Yup, we are pregnant.

We had a bit of a scare last week.  I had some bleeding and cramping again...  and due to how our last pregnancy turned out, I was prematurely worried and heartbroken.

But we had an ultrasound the next day and the baby is doing just fine.  -And from what we witnessed on the ultrasound, we have a very active, bouncing baby bean in my belly.

I still have a subcorneal hemorrhage - which I had with the previous baby - but my doctor said the bleeding was the hemorrhage trying to flush itself from my system.  - So it's still there, but smaller and should resolve itself as the baby grows.  The doctor doesn't seem too concerned about it, but I am a creature of worry so please continue to keep us in your prayers as we venture through this pregnancy. 


We're excited.  - Especially Emmy.

- Oh, and Em and I are really, really hoping for a baby BOY.  :)


(All photos courtesy of Brooke Kelly Photography)

Dumpy Donuts

Life is full of ups and downs -- so many highs and so many lows.

I don't even know where to begin.

Recently, I've had to recollect a lot on my past. - Not only personally & privately, but in front of my physicians and with my spouse. - If that thought doesn't make you cringe, then you probably don't have a past quite as colorful as mine.

That being said, I am one to cling to a Christian belief system where if you confess your sins and ask God for forgiveness then you are ultimately forgiven & given a clean slate.

But despite my beliefs, I still struggle with self-forgiveness. There's still a great deal of shame and embarrassment when it comes to discussing the crummy decisions I made in my past. - And I can't help but feel that those decisions made so long ago are still affecting my life presently.

I half-jokingly say that God's finally punishing me for the awful things I did. - But even though I don't truly feel that way, I still sometimes wonder if there's any truth to that.

This week we should have been welcoming the arrival of that precious baby we lost back in November. We should have been massively sleep deprived and completely in love with a new bundle of baby-joy in our lives but God had other plans for us.

- Instead of being overwhelmed with love, we've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with a large serving of loss. We re-homed 2 sweet dogs and had to bury 2 other beloved dogs.

Needless to say, it's been a craptastic couple of weeks!

I feel so empty on the inside.

- And truthfully, I feel a little jealous (and admittedly, even a little angry) about all of my friends who have recently welcomed - or who are expecting to welcome their healthy, full-term bundles of joy any day now -- and feeling that way makes me feel even more wretched. It's a vicious cycle!

Dumpy donuts.

There's not much I can do at this point in time except wait... for answers, clarity, peace, forgiveness & healing.

Please pray your sincerest prayers of healing & protection over our family -- I just don't think I can handle anymore loss in my life right now.

Words

I've been struggling to find words to describe how I've been feeling as of late.

I've never been one to be very open about my problems, emotions or feelings -- especially to my girlfriends.

I guess that all spawned from my mom constantly telling me that people just don't care when your life isn't "good" -- no one wants to be brought down by your bad news/mood/circumstance - whatever the case may be.

- Through the years and the MANY changes to my friend circle my life has undergone; for the most part, I found this to be true more often than not.

So instead of openly complaining or reaching out to my "friends" for comfort, I try, instead, to seem as positive as possible on the outside despite the inner turmoil happening on the inside and just keep my personal battles to myself.

Lately though, I've felt pretty alone. Aside from my daughter and my husband, I've truly felt like I don't have any friends anymore. - Maybe "friends" isn't the right word... It's more like "meaningful connections" with my friends.

I feel so completely out of the loop these days.

My friends from back home (Florida) rarely ever call - and honestly, home doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Nashville is definitely where I've made home.

- But even here, lately, I've felt so disconnected and so lonely. I feel like I have 2, maybe 3, solid friendships these days -- and even those seem pretty non-existent right now due to everyone dealing with their own personal struggles. - And then the rest of my friends are only "friends" by proxy -- meaning they're all friends with my 2 friends or my husband, so I'm just sort of included in their email exchanges, invited to gatherings and so on and so forth - but I still don't feel like I really fit in.

- I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.

All I know is I've been super introverted and have isolated myself from every possible social situation I've been faced with for the past several weeks simply to avoid having to talk about personal stuff.

- Crazy, I know.

I don't really know exactly what the point of this journal entry is, but I feel like I should make some goals for myself to try to remedy how I'm feeling in hopes that it doesn't escalate to anything more serious.

• I want to make friends with children close to Emily's age. - Maybe find a mom's group to be a part of.

• I want to find a church home where I feel comfortable. I get overwhelmed by big, stuffy churches.

• I want to cut back on working so much so I can spend more time with friends and family.

• I want to start doing dinner and movie nights with my friends at our home again.

Maybe I'll figure it all out soon enough or just snap out of this self-induced funk I'm in. - Either way is fine by me. Say a prayer for me if you will, please & thank you.