You gotta fall in order to mend.

It seems over the past several weeks, almost every person I've been around has mentioned something about my laugh - some being old friends, some being friends I haven't spoken to or seen in several months - even several years - and lots of random people I've met in passing while I've been out and about over the past few days enjoying my child-free evenings. I even had a hilarious exchange with a sweet girl in the Exit/In bathroom that resulted in an all-out laughing fit between the two of us. The more I laughed, the harder she laughed... so much so, she marched me straight to the bar and bought me a shot because I had "the most fantastic laugh." So funny, yet so very random.

The next day, after a phone conversation with an old friend, he texted me this, "It's nice to hear you laugh. You sound happy."

That's when it all hit me.

I AM HAPPY.

I haven't laughed a lot over the past few years. In fact, I think I cried more in 2009 than I've cried throughout my entire life.

Seriously.

Last year was intense. - Looking back now, I can see it wasn't the relationship that broke me; rather it was everything. Every single thing in my life - had come to a very abrupt, life-altering stand-still. The break up was just the proverbial cherry on top.

I haven't felt peace, security, stability, self-worth, joy - all those things associated with being a truly happy individual in a very long time. The realities of my life along with the abundant stress that came with voluntarily leaving a career as an insurance agent to completely change my career of choice to something most people only dream of doing for a living had finally robbed me of my infectious laughter. Granted, I admit, I allowed it to be taken without a very good fight. However, now that the finish line is within reach, I'm feeling the breeze of the downhill coast.

Don't get me wrong, life isn't all peaches and cream. I'm still stuck in school for 2-3 more weeks, therefore finances are still really tight, but at least I see a reprieve is just around the bend. Thank goodness for that.

It's been a long, hard, emotional journey; but by the grace of God and the unconditional love, support and unfaltering help my amazing family and friends have graciously continued to offer up, I made it through the toughest year of my life.

And for that I am forever grateful and happy.

Unfinished Chapter

Inspired to write, feverishly, fervently even, however, the words aren't eloquently flowing... My head is pounding with pain. A migraine is in the works. My heart is feeling torn between logic and emotion.

The war wages on... though, seemingly, for a lost cause.

Everyone constantly says, "Follow your heart." But what happens when your heart wants something that doesn't want you in return?

- Do you stay vigilant and true to your heart's desires?

- Do you hastily attempt to paste the pieces of your heart back together and move on?

What if you've tried it all?

Numerous times?

Failing miserably at all attempts to move on.

My being vigilant and faithful to my heart, fighting ferociously for my belief in a love so deep against the reasoning of someone so close, but yet, so far gone, repeatedly producing the same results.

So when is enough really "enough"?

I'm stuck in a bad rerun.

I know how it all goes down. I even know when it's all about to happen - every single time. I even understand both sides of the argument, more so now than I ever have.

So why, then, am I still surprised by the waves of sporadic sadness, hurt and disappointment I feel each and every time it happens again? Shouldn't I be numb by now?

I just don't understand it at all. Any of it.

I pray that this relentless, unfaltering love in my heart will eventually release it's hold of me so I that I can peacefully close an unfinished chapter in my life once and for all.

But until that day comes, I have no choice but to remain just as I am. Alone. Driven by the passion of achieving my dreams and being able to provide for myself and for my daughter by being in a career that I will thrive in and more importantly, one that I will absolutely love doing.

"You know when you are following your heart because it will feel right even if your mind is uncomfortable. Every inch of your body -- the very fabric of your soul -- feels alive."