Unlovable

3 years ago today, a dream of mine died. 

Prince.  

It may sound silly, but Prince was my one HUGE, maybe even unattainable, goal in my career as a makeup artist.  He truly was the driving force behind my wanting to be a makeup artist.  

What can I say?  I've always told myself to dream BIG.

3 years ago...    My biggest dream died.  

Not long after that, my dream of being happily married and content with my ex-husband died as well.

I officially abandoned my marriage in November of 2016.

It wasn't an easy decision.  I struggled - and still am struggling - with the decision. 

 Did I do the right thing?  Are my kids going to be okay?  Are we all going to be okay?

2017 rolled in.  

That July, I miraculously was able to close on my first home...  alone.

Business was steady.  

I was still part-timing at the local beauty boutique I had been part-timing with for the last 10 years.

Life was manageable for the most part.  

2018 rolled in.  

I was happy.  

I was working like crazy... and those of you who know me, know that I'm happiest when I'm being productive and making money to take care of my family.

I think it was sometime in late March or early April that we got the news of our store's plan to close.  

For several of us, it felt like the rug of security had been yanked right out from under our feet.  - Not only that, but the way the company handled the last few weeks was pure hell on the few of us that agreed to stay on till the very end.  It was miserable and felt like a huge slap in the face - especially after I had given so much of my time, talent, and life to the company.

Mother's Day was the last day open.  I worked my last shift and vowed never to go back to the company no matter how hard times got.  I was done.

It was during that last month that I had made the decision to go back to college and pursue my Nursing degree.  It was something I had gone back and forth with over the past several years.  Losing my job just gave me the proverbial kick in the ass to finally do it.  

That August, Xander started a full-time Pre-K program, and I started my first semester back at college after a 20 plus year hiatus.  

I feel like that's when everything started unraveling.  

The stress of school, single-mom-ing, homework, finances, passing Statistics... literally made me feel like I was certifiably crazy.

I didn't realize it at the time, but losing my job had been a huge blow to my self-esteem.  

My freelancing career had also taken a few blows.

Photographers that had used me as their first call makeup artist for the past several years started calling other artists.

I started feeling obsolete.  Like my time as a legitimate makeup artist was up.  

I fell into a deeper depression and sought help from medical professionals.  

I started seeing my therapist again.  She suggested seeing a psychiatrist. 

I started a new mood-stabilizing medication.  I purchased a light therapy lamp.  I started several supplements and CBD oil.  I was fighting to get better.

I finalized my first semester back with an A, and 2 B's... and 3 small circular bald patches on my scalp from the stress of it all.

The holidays came and went.  

2019 rolled in.

Slow season was / has been slower than any past slow season I've experienced in the 12 years I've been a professional makeup artist.  

My second semester started and I quickly realized that this Anatomy & Physiology class was going to be the straw that breaks the mama-llama's back...  and it did, and it has.  

If making shitty grades and failing every single test in a class that you're actually studying and trying to do well in doesn't make you feel like a hardcore loser, I don't know what will.  It's been a struggle to say the least.

The semester is almost over.  Less than 2 weeks left.  I've decided to take the summer off from classes to rest and regroup.

My relationship has taken a direct hit from all the highs and very low lows of the past year and a half.  

"I used to be happy," he says.  

He's absolutely right.  

I used to know exactly what direction I wanted my life to go.

I had substantial goals and BIG dreams. 

I rarely had to worry about not having enough work on the books.

I used to be in a position to help people, and to help animals.

I wasn't a struggling college student racking up student loan debt, worrying about whether or not I am smart enough to actually become a nurse.

I used to be happy...  but I've been stuck in this downward spiral that I haven't been able to pull myself out of.  

Dreamless...  

Listless...  

Loveless...