Unlovable

3 years ago today, a dream of mine died. 

Prince.  

It may sound silly, but Prince was my one HUGE, maybe even unattainable, goal in my career as a makeup artist.  He truly was the driving force behind my wanting to be a makeup artist.  

What can I say?  I've always told myself to dream BIG.

3 years ago...    My biggest dream died.  

Not long after that, my dream of being happily married and content with my ex-husband died as well.

I officially abandoned my marriage in November of 2016.

It wasn't an easy decision.  I struggled - and still am struggling - with the decision. 

 Did I do the right thing?  Are my kids going to be okay?  Are we all going to be okay?

2017 rolled in.  

That July, I miraculously was able to close on my first home...  alone.

Business was steady.  

I was still part-timing at the local beauty boutique I had been part-timing with for the last 10 years.

Life was manageable for the most part.  

2018 rolled in.  

I was happy.  

I was working like crazy... and those of you who know me, know that I'm happiest when I'm being productive and making money to take care of my family.

I think it was sometime in late March or early April that we got the news of our store's plan to close.  

For several of us, it felt like the rug of security had been yanked right out from under our feet.  - Not only that, but the way the company handled the last few weeks was pure hell on the few of us that agreed to stay on till the very end.  It was miserable and felt like a huge slap in the face - especially after I had given so much of my time, talent, and life to the company.

Mother's Day was the last day open.  I worked my last shift and vowed never to go back to the company no matter how hard times got.  I was done.

It was during that last month that I had made the decision to go back to college and pursue my Nursing degree.  It was something I had gone back and forth with over the past several years.  Losing my job just gave me the proverbial kick in the ass to finally do it.  

That August, Xander started a full-time Pre-K program, and I started my first semester back at college after a 20 plus year hiatus.  

I feel like that's when everything started unraveling.  

The stress of school, single-mom-ing, homework, finances, passing Statistics... literally made me feel like I was certifiably crazy.

I didn't realize it at the time, but losing my job had been a huge blow to my self-esteem.  

My freelancing career had also taken a few blows.

Photographers that had used me as their first call makeup artist for the past several years started calling other artists.

I started feeling obsolete.  Like my time as a legitimate makeup artist was up.  

I fell into a deeper depression and sought help from medical professionals.  

I started seeing my therapist again.  She suggested seeing a psychiatrist. 

I started a new mood-stabilizing medication.  I purchased a light therapy lamp.  I started several supplements and CBD oil.  I was fighting to get better.

I finalized my first semester back with an A, and 2 B's... and 3 small circular bald patches on my scalp from the stress of it all.

The holidays came and went.  

2019 rolled in.

Slow season was / has been slower than any past slow season I've experienced in the 12 years I've been a professional makeup artist.  

My second semester started and I quickly realized that this Anatomy & Physiology class was going to be the straw that breaks the mama-llama's back...  and it did, and it has.  

If making shitty grades and failing every single test in a class that you're actually studying and trying to do well in doesn't make you feel like a hardcore loser, I don't know what will.  It's been a struggle to say the least.

The semester is almost over.  Less than 2 weeks left.  I've decided to take the summer off from classes to rest and regroup.

My relationship has taken a direct hit from all the highs and very low lows of the past year and a half.  

"I used to be happy," he says.  

He's absolutely right.  

I used to know exactly what direction I wanted my life to go.

I had substantial goals and BIG dreams. 

I rarely had to worry about not having enough work on the books.

I used to be in a position to help people, and to help animals.

I wasn't a struggling college student racking up student loan debt, worrying about whether or not I am smart enough to actually become a nurse.

I used to be happy...  but I've been stuck in this downward spiral that I haven't been able to pull myself out of.  

Dreamless...  

Listless...  

Loveless...

A Prayer of My Heart

A man who will take me to church with him every week.

A man who prays for me and with me.

A man who is proud to claim me: in person, in public, on social media, in times of temptation.

A man who plans ahead and carves out time for the 2 of us to reconnect.

A man who loves my children as his own, sees the importance of weekly family nights spent together and makes adjustments to schedules to make it happen - without fail.

A man who will cook with me, and dance with me in the kitchen.

A man who will fight for me, and with me - in a healthy, loving way - and not allow us to go to bed angry. 

A man who will be a partner, a confidant, a best friend.  My safe place.  My person.

2019

First and foremost, I'm just so thankful to be alive. 

Last year wasn't as much of a doozie of a year for me as it was for some of my other friends, but it was definitely filled with many changes, trials and tribulations.

I didn't write many blogs last year...  mainly because I didn't have much down time, nor did I have the extra mental capacity to put my thoughts down into any kind of coherent form.  Seriously...  I'm amazed (and forever grateful) that my boyfriend hung in there by my side despite all of the crazy.  

***First Semester Back after 20+ Years**

So yeah, last year, I got the proverbial kick in the ass I needed to FINALLY pursue going back to college.  The company I had part-timed with for 10 years closed the store I was working at and didn't want to pay me what I'm worth to move to one of the other locations.

I didn't realize it then, but that whole transition effected me much deeper than I thought it did/could/would.  It was like I had been stabbed in the heart.  I had given so much of myself... my time, my talent, my energy - to this company, and after everything, they just didn't see the worth of keeping me on board.

The store closed in May...  I started school in August.  I went into the semester optimistic and despite all the challenges I encountered during those few months, I finished strong.

***My Personal Struggles with Depression***

In the middle of my semester, I had some personal struggles with depression, anxiety and stress. I restarted therapy and counseling.  At the recommendation of my therapist, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist just to be sure the combination of anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds I was currently getting from my general practitioner were the right combo for me.  I actually just had that first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  She's prescribed me a mood-stabilizing medication to take along with the anti-depressant/anxiety medication I'm already on.  So now we just have to wait and see how it works for me.

Therapy has helped a ton, especially since I've always been notorious for bottling everything up and speaking to no one about my problems.  - And in the midst of juggling classes, homework, raising Littles, and still trying to work on occasion, many of my friendships had fallen to the wayside due to lack of free time.

So while I was in the throes of scheduled chaos (aka Classes, Single Moming, Working), I started listening to several podcasts, as well as a couple of self-help books during my commute into and from school.  The act of honing in and focusing on real conversations about real life trials and victories definitely helped me so freaking much.  I also purchased a therapy light and that has had a noticeably positive effect on my emotional well-being.

Though I've been trying to better manage my personal struggles to the best of my ability, Emily just pointed out on Sunday that I have a bald spot on my scalp from stress-related hair loss.  So with that discovery, I've set into motion some plans to help me better manage my stress with the coming year.

***My Littles***

Emily and Xander both are doing great in school.  Emily will be 14 at the end of this month.  And Xander just celebrated his 5th birthday in December.  His speech has just taken off.  He's adjusted to the blended classroom setting at his current school and is doing very well.  We are currently working hard on toilet training - which has been a challenge.  But we're working on it and we're making progress so that's all I can ask for.

***My Intentions for 2019***

1. To be intentional about self-care.  

What this looks like to me:

- Exercising more frequently - not to be skinny - but just to be healthy.

- Opting to workout / be active when I'm feeling stressed or anxiety-ridden.

- Slowing down my "Yes" and actually saying "No" to situations that will cause more stress than enjoyment in my life - whether it be work, or play - and NOT feeling guilty or like I have to provide some long-winded explanation as to why.

- Finding a church home for myself and my kids.

- Scheduling and actually taking them - mental breaks - a weekend off, a massage, or spa day, budget-friendly mini-vacations.

2. To continue this journey of emotional healing.

- Continue to go to therapy.

- Continue to share my story.

- Continue to keep moving forward.

3. Apply and get accepted into a nursing program by Fall semester.

- Take my 3 classes Spring semester.  Finish with all A's & B's.

- Take A&P 2 Summer A, then Microbiology Summer B.

4. Get Xander fully toilet trained and ready for Kindergarten in the Fall.  

5. To lose some weight.

- Finding a meal prep plan & schedule that is easy to maintain when school and life get bananas.

- Get a grasp on my A1C levels, reverse this diabetes diagnosis, and get off of Metformin.

- Schedule workouts on the calendar and treat them with the same importance as I do client / work obligations.

6. To make more time for fun.

- With my kids.

- With my friends.

- With myself.

7. To pick my battles more carefully.  

- Alter my over-analyzing habits.

- Redirect my insecurities.

8. Be more positive.

- Surround myself with positive, energetic people.

- Be more intentional about what I put out into the universe.  

- If I wouldn't say it to a friend, then don't say it about myself.