Lonely Soul

A few very personal resolutions I've decided to work towards in light of the fast approach of my 31st year:

(A) To trust more willingly and freely until given a reason to not do so.

(B) To spend more of my time actually living my life, and less time (1) worrying over things I can not control, (2) fearing the outcome of events yet to happen, and (3) incessantly trying to force MY vision of how I think things should unfold onto myself as well as others I choose to enter into a relationship with.

(C) To get comfortable with being completely alone - with myself, with my plethora of thoughts and emotions and ridiculous self-destructive thought processes. To not feel compelled to fill the void in my heart with meaningless relationships simply to serve as a distraction from the hurt and pain that I still feel even a year later.

And surprisingly enough - sadly enough - all of these are related; they intertwine with one another and constantly feed off of each other on a very regular basis.

I've always had severe trust issues, and even more severe abandonment issues. Five years in therapy and we are fairly positive that they most definitely stem from my father leaving my mother (divorce) and from my mother not protecting me when she should have (sexual harassment/abuse).

With all that being said, theoretically, the two people most anyone would look to for comfort, security and unconditional love would naturally be their parents, right? So what happens when that bond is non-existent? Apparently, obviously, you grow up to be a very emotionally needy, ridiculously insecure little girl who is always looking for reassurance and praise from those she surrounds herself with. - Yeah, unfortunately, that's me in a nutshell. - But what I've realized over the past year, even in the last few weeks, is that most people aren't equipped to be that forthcoming and intuitive with that amount of much-needed affection, reassurance and praise that someone like me might - not "might" - does require.

So what do you do???

Well, in my case, I feel as if I've been spinning my wheels, always trying to make myself "fit" into other people's lives and end up completely ostracizing myself from my own. And, since my last "official" breakup, I've come to realize that even though I knew that particular relationship was headed nowhere long-term, I still felt a need to be needed. - Oh that incessant, undying need to be needed! Gosh, I'm so sick of that! It's been a defining characteristic of mine for as long as I can remember. 

- But I digress, I need to get comfortable with being alone. Plain and simple.

"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone." - Pink 

- Yeah, I need to NOT relate to those lyrics when my phone goes several days without a call from a familiar friend, or when it doesn't double ding with a sweet text from a boy every few hours.

"Contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark, with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart." - Natalie Merchant 

- I need to be content with simply staying home - alone - even when my daughter is not here... and I have a functioning car... and a whole night off from school, interning, work and/photo shoots... and several options to do things with friends or even maybe a date.

Yeah... I need to learn how to simply be... Just be.

"Day One, Day One... Start over again..."

Deep breath in... Slow exhale out. 

Funny story, I've always been a writer. Clarity always came to me when I did write... and for awhile there, after I became a mom, I was writing regularly... and it helped me tremendously. But for the last few years, I had completely abandoned that vice. - Deleted my Myspace blog, and pretty much failed to keep up with any of my personal writings there after. The past three years in particular have been trying, to say the very least. 2008 quite literally kicked my rear-end all over the place in every sense of the word. I was taken DOWN. My first real bout with unemployment took place in the latter part of 2008 thus beginning the personal struggle between my heart and my head. Following my heart meant struggling - giving up a career in a field with plenty of job security to pursue my passion. - And as a single mother, this wasn't an easy sacrifice. Not only have I had to sacrifice, but my daughter has had to as well... more than she should have, and that's not something too easy to stomach. 

2009 was a glimmer of hope for me. I swore that 2009 was going to be "MY year." - Boy, was I ever wrong... 2009 - quite literally - BROKE me. I was fired and given no valid reason at all for being terminated which threw me head first into a severe cycle of depression that I just couldn't resurface from. I turned 30. Then shortly after, my relationship with the man I truly saw myself spending the rest of my life with quickly dissolved into something I didn't recognize, nor did I want to recognize it, because recognizing it would have meant that I acknowledge yet another failure in my life. 

I feel, still to this day, that I lost so much of myself over the last year... I am forever altered... forever changed by the events that morphed me into who I am today. I hold no regrets, however, for what I went through last year. I truly believe that had I not gone through those times, I probably wouldn't feel that I am capable of facing what this year - 2010 - brings on now. School was/is/will be my unfaltering goal for this year. I WILL finish this program with flying colors, damn it. But with all the medical stuff that came to head so quickly at the start of this year, it seemed that another road block was bound to happen... and good god, did it ever. 

So, here I am, a week post-surgery, recovering... depressed and uber-dumpy because being productive right now is so not happening, and once again, everything is on hold. I had to withdraw from my program in February... Surgery was scheduled for March 2nd... On March 1st my car decides to die - COMPLETELY DIE - to the point where fixing it isn't even an option. And now, being on the other side of the surgery, I'm recovering... I'm alive - with no car, no work, no school... just me... here... alone with my thoughts and my loopy liquid medication that make me feel more like a mess than I ever have before. 

So... to the point... I'm less than four days away from my 31st birthday... And I still ask myself everyday, "What have I accomplished in my 30 years on this earth??" And my answers are still very much trivial. 

"I'm on a personal mission to better myself in every way possible. - Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I want to be a positive, infectious force." - These words have been on my social networking profiles for several years now, but I guess I never felt completely equipped to make those things happen, all together, all at once... until a few days ago. I'm optimistic that this surgery could potentially change my life. IF it actually does solve all of my medical woes, I think everything else will follow suit without much resistance. 

So I'm starting this blog as a means to record my progress and I invite you to come along with me on this journey to find myself and to discover what it is that I want, what I need, and to address the things I need to work on as an individual so that I can be happy and be an inspiration to those I come into contact with in the future, not for anyone else, but just for me, for my sake, for my happiness and I ask that you hold me accountable for my actions or lack there of. 

I imagine this blog will contain material regarding some spiritual issues, and most definitely mental and emotional issues, as well as an account of my physical changes in future posts... Most of you know that once I recover from this surgery my main objective aside from finishing school is to get healthy physically... so I will definitely keep you guys posted on that. 

So, without further ado... let the journey begin.