For several years I suspected I had ADHD, but I never did much of anything to address it because it didn’t seem like it was a serious problem until I started the nursing program.
I began asking questions about ADHD meds + treatment when I was still doing my pre-reqs at VolState, but my practitioners didn’t want to prescribe typical ADHD meds.
After a few years, I learned it was due to my anxiety. They didn’t want to prescribe a stimulant to someone with major anxiety. At the time I learned all this, I recognized my anxiety + depression issues trumped my ADHD, so I stayed the course I was on.
At the start of last semester - I started feeling off. - Like almost flat + emotionless. All I wanted to do when I had any downtime was sleep. - I started feeling like I was overly medicated by my anti-anxiety + anti-depressant medications.
In the Pharmacology + Mental Health courses I was taking, I started learning more about the drugs that I had been prescribed. I immediately recognized that my life circumstances had changed quite dramatically since I was first prescribed meds to treat my anxiety and depression.
I was no longer a struggling single mom, going to college, trying to make ends meet. And probably most importantly, I was no longer in a toxic, dysfunctional relationship with a man who would literally completely disappear from my life at the drop of a hat, for months at a time, then come back when it was convenient for him, only to repeat the cycle every few months, over and over again.
I’ve said it a hundred times already, and I’ll most definitely be saying it thousands of times more:
Thank the good Lord for Stephen.
He is the biggest blessing.
- Because of him, my stress + anxiety levels are no longer at 11.
- Because of him, I have financial security so I can work less and focus more on doing well in school.
- Because of him, I have EMOTIONAL SECURITY and SUPPORT + HELP with Xander when I’m stressed, sleep-deprived, and an overall hot mess when I’m in school.
- Because of him, I don’t feel like my circumstances still warrant the need for the heavyweight depression + anxiety drugs I was on for the past 5 years. During my spring break from classes in March, I decided to start weening myself off the meds so I could address the bigger issue at this particular time in my life: ADHD.
Once I was successfully weened from the previous medications, I began my ADHD medication journey.
I’m still in the beginning stages of trying out different ADHD medication combinations, but I also know that I only want to take them while I’m actively taking classes.
So I’ve had the summer off from all medications and I’ve definitely noticed as my levels have started normalizing back to baseline.
The first thing I noticed is that my general anxiety has returned. - Even though it’s not panic level, I definitely recognize the unhealthy thoughts my mind produces.
It looks like this: Worry. Incessant worry.
About: my health + well-being… my kids’ health + well-being… their safety… Stephen’s career… my career… my ability to be a nurse… what happens if/when I die… will my kids be taken care of… do I have enough life insurance in place… did I love them enough…
I could keep going… and going… as this list is very long but I know no one has time to read alllll of that, so let’s move on.
Something else I’ve noticed this summer is that the melancholy depressive vibes are definitely hanging around.
Nursing school is so isolating. You spend 16 weeks in your nursing school-struggle bus bubble with your fellow nursing school study buddies who have become like family to you. But then summer break hits, and you’re no longer in the trenches with your classmates, but you’re not hanging with them - or any of your non-nursing school friends - either.
I feel like my whole friend circle has completely shifted during these first 2 semesters in nursing school.
- People I thought were really good friends, aren’t really friends at all.
- It also feels like some friends were only happy to be around when my life was a complete dumpster fire - maybe because it made their life seem less bad.
- Like people stopped caring to check in because I have a really great life now.
- Some people who I thought would have my back no matter what, seem to not want to see me even succeed now.
Trust me, this isn’t a plea for a pity party. I am blessed and I know this.
It’s just a weird place: To finally be happy and feel secure in your relationship, but still feel super lonely and unlikable when it comes to meaningful friendships with other women.
When did making new girlfriends + maintaining friendships become so hard?
I don’t know, maybe it’s not.
Maybe it’s just me + my anxious, depressive thoughts that make it hard for me to trust people enough to open up and make true connections.
Depression + anxiety have a way of making you feel so less than.
Less worthy of all the things: success, happiness, even regular old friendships.
I struggle with my definition of worth + success on the daily.
Often times, my self-worth is directly tied to how productive I’ve been.
I struggle with comparison daily. I find myself having to take breaks from social media because I catch myself in unhealthy cycles of comparison that rob me of joy.
I find myself praying for opportunities to cultivate meaningful friendships.
I often wonder what people will say about me when I’m dead.
Will it be good?
Was I good person?
Was I a good friend?
Did I serve those around me well enough to leave a legacy of loving memories?
Did I apologize when I messed up?
Did I forgive and give grace?
Did I love like Jesus?
This list of thoughts that keep me up late at night is so long… too long honestly…
But it’s an everyday reality when you’re managing life with anxiety + depression.
I’m definitely more conscious + aware of my anxiety spikes without the daily meds, I’m just thankful I’m healthy enough to recognize when my thoughts are spiraling - there are good days, and then there are plain out really bad days too.
All of that to say, check on your people.
Just because things appear to be rainbows, sunshine, and positivity through the social media filters - that doesn’t mean they don’t need real connection with real people in real life.
We were wired for connection.
We were not meant to do life without a village.
Let’s build a village + build each other up.
Amen + Amen.
