Nobody Said it Was Easy.

I've been crying on and off for most of the past two days.

I can't really pinpoint why, but I just feel so fragile.

... so alone...

... so lost...

This was my first official week being off after the past crazy 6 weeks of hell at the market.

I slept a lot.  - And I mean A LOT.

I needed it.

.

I don't think anyone grows up thinking, "I'm going to get married, then divorced, then remarried, then divorced again, and buy my first home as a single mom of 2, and maybe, you know, decide to abandon my career of 11 years and go back to school to change careers - yet again - after my 39th birthday."

- But here I am.

Things are moving along though.

I've started the process of getting things set to go back to school in the Fall.  I'm finally going to pursue nursing. 

I've been doing makeup and hair professionally for 11 years now...  and I've seen this industry become so saturated as of late.  I'm tired of hustling so hard and seeing other newbie artists getting amazing gigs just because of who they know.

It's sad... and sobering... and has made me reevaluate my skill set and talent from every single angle - and even second guess myself... making me doubt myself, and question if I'm even good enough to be doing makeup anymore.

It's a real crummy feeling.

But I've made peace with the fact that my dream of going on the road with an artist just isn't going to happen right now...  and even if it did, I don't have the support system around me and the kids any longer to allow me to go.

So that being said, I've got my kids to raise and ultimately just want to be able to afford them a comfortable life.

- And lately, it's been a struggle to do just that.
 
My house has a long list of things that need work on or repairs or remodeling...  and I have zero ideas on where to start or how to begin.

I don't have a dad...  or a brother... or handy DIY-savvy friends to help me tackle projects.

I can't even get one of my ex-husband's to come help me move a freaking table from work... even after offering to pay them for their time AND fill up their gas tank in their trucks.

I purchased a new sofa and loveseat set last week and I've had to enlist the help of my freaking lawn guy just to arrange getting it to the house sometime this upcoming week.

So yeah, these past couple of weeks have been eye opening in a lot of different ways.

.

Making a house into a livable, stable home wasn't meant to be a one person job.

Raising little humans wasn't meant to be a one person job either.  - And having a child with speech delays makes it even more challenging and exhausting at times.

It really does take a village.

...and trust...

...and reliability...

- But that last one seems to be the big kicker.

I don't know why it still surprises me...  because it really was never there to begin with.
- Facebook "On this Day" is a constant reminder of that.

This speech program Xander's been in for the past month is doing amazing things for him.  I see it - and hear it - every single day I get to spend with Xander.  - You'd think getting him there every. single. day. would be a no-brainer, right? 

- But again, why am I surprised?

.

I keep looking for change.

I keep expecting change.

- And I think that's where my problem lies...

"The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything for anyone."

Expectations lead to disappointment.

Disappointment robs my life of joy.

.

If I accept that I don't have a village...

If I accept that I no longer have anyone to have expectations of...

If I accept that it's just me...

- then there won't be anyone else that's able to let me down... except for me.

.

I'm on my own.

I'm making the necessary changes in my life to better my situation long term for me and my kids.

It's not going to be easy.

But I'm feeling somewhat ready to accept the changes and embrace the process with God's help.
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