Loss

Last week seems like such a blur - that's probably due in part to the heavy meds I've been on, but all in all, I don't feel like I missed too much.  I was able to take several days off from work and I'm really thankful for that.

I broke the news of the miscarriage to Em on Monday night while she was helping make dinner.  I wanted to wait till she was home for the week to tell her so she'd have all the opportunities for questions and much-needed comfort.

I think having to tell her made things seem much more real.  It's almost like I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything, except when I was alone in my bed, waiting for the medications to sweep me off to sleep each night.  - But that afternoon was different, I gave myself permission to cry in front of her...  and it wasn't really by choice...  It just happened - as soon as I started telling her the results of the final ultrasound, I choked up and it all came out.

She just stood there, staring at me.  I saw genuine concern in her face and tears began to well up in her big brown eyes, but she didn't cry.  She just maintained eye contact, and nodded her head in response to the things I said.

I assured her that I was okay.  - That it wasn't because of anything I did or anyone did to me.  - That sometimes these things happen.  I told her it was okay to be sad and that she could ask as many questions as she needed to.  - I told her the doctor said we needed to wait a couple of months and then we could try again.  - And to that she asked, "But will you try again, Mommy?"  - How does she do that?  She knows me so well, it's scary.

It's no secret that I've been very unsure about the whole having another baby thing.  I've been so wishy-washy.  Even after I found out I was pregnant again there were days I was super happy and excited about it.  - And then there were days where I wondered if it was such a great idea after all.

This was the first time in my life where the fact that I was late getting my period wasn't an "Oh, shit" moment.  I'm a grown, responsible adult.  I've managed to raise one amazing child already.  I'm married.  My husband has always wanted children.  We have a roof over our heads.  - And we are both gainfully employed.  It all adds up in the positive, right?  I mean, that's a Grade A spawning situation, right?  - But there I was second-guessing every little thing.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's just me.  Am I non-committal about the things most women my age aren't non-committal about?

With all the complications I had with this pregnancy from the get-go, I can honestly say I was half expecting this outcome.  I had been mentally preparing myself for this loss since my last spotting episode about 3 weeks prior.  Even the morning before I went for my last ultrasound, I told a friend that I wouldn't be completely devastated or surprised if I miscarried.

After my ultrasound, I knew the bad news even before my doctor came to deliver it.  I watched the tech take measurements and scan for the heartbeat several times, unsuccessfully.  I recognized how my doctor assessed my demeanor and emotional state when he entered.  - Despite the news, I managed to remain pretty well-composed as we discussed the pros & cons of having a D&C procedure and our options in regards to spawning post-surgery.  I didn't allow myself to cry until I was in my car, calling my husband on the phone. 

There it was.  No more baby.  The heartbreak was real and much deeper than I could have ever imagined.  - And surprisingly, I was devastated despite my earlier proclamation to my friend.

When you're the one trying to process all of this, it's easy to believe that you'll be the only one affected.  But as soon as I heard Alan's voice, I quickly realized how wrong I was.  My heart was breaking not only for me and the loss of the baby, but for my husband and my daughter too.

My only regret is that I didn't realize how much I really wanted that baby until my choice in the matter was completely taken away from me.  I wish I had been more present and less worrisome.

Emily has handled everything like the champ that she is.  She sporadically asks me questions when it's just her and me - and if she thinks of a question when the husband is around, she politely shoos him away.

As of now, our intention is to try again.  - Like I said before, I am giving myself all of next year to indulge in the idea of becoming a parent all over again.  - If it happens, it happens.  - If it doesn't, hey, at least we tried and we still have one amazing daughter to keep us plenty occupied.

We're going to take our time healing from this heartbreak.  - Start living healthier and trying to be more active.  - Get through the holidays.  - And we'll probably officially start trying again in February or March.

Yikes

I had a series of doctors appointments over the course of 2 weeks and for the most part all my labs came back fairly normal.  There were a few things my doctor said we would watch over the next few months, but also said if I get my diet and exercise habits in order those things should remedy themselves.

I am officially off all medications - excluding Zyrtec for my ridiculous allergies.  I stopped taking my anti-depressant (Celexa) about 2 months ago and seem to be doing fine emotionally -- at least for now.  My doctor mentioned there is a new medication out that has none of the side effects that concern me most and since I've tried so many other anti-depressants over the course of my adult life, if we -- as in my family -- started to notice signs of depression creeping back in it would be a good fit for me.  I also opted to take Melatonin to help me sleep instead of a sleep-aid and that seems to be helping with my erratic sleep schedule.

Last Wednesday I had to have a minor out-patient surgical procedure to have my IUD removed.  Typically, surgery isn't necessary to have them removed, however, my device had traveled a bit into my cervical canal.  The procedure wasn't too horrible.  They gave me local anesthesia so I didn't feel too much.  - Though I've been quite crampy since - today being no exception.

I almost called to cancel the removal 3 times that morning.  I think I was more scared of the fact that I am now able to get pregnant than of the procedure itself.

I don't get it.  I have no idea what I'm so afraid of.  I'm in the ideal situation to add to my family.  I have a husband and he's a great step-dad to my daughter and will no doubt be a great father to his own child.  I have a sweet, intuitive daughter who will be an amazing big sister.  We have a home and I am gainfully employed.  All situations are right for spawning.

- So why then am I so freaking scared?  What's got me so completely spooked?  -- I don't exactly know nor can I put my finger specifically on just one thing.

I worry about:  - My business.  - My family's finances and overall security.  - The strain a new baby can put on a new marriage.  - Providing for a baby.  - Being that girl who has 2 kids from 2 different dads. (Have I been watching too much Maury?)

I've been so pensive over the last few days -- trying to pinpoint where all this anxiety is coming from.

I think deep down I'm still so pessimistic when it comes to what I believe about relationships and commitment.  I was programmed from a very young age by my own mother to always be prepared for the bottom to fallout of whatever seemingly perfect relationship I put myself into.  It's hard to undo that kind of thinking.  - Especially if you personally haven't experienced anything different in your own life experiences.  I have always had a very difficult time seeing me with one person for the rest of my life -- not because I have any desire to leave -- but rather I have this unrealistic expectation that he will ultimately leave me alone in the end.  There are no 100% guarantees in life or in love and that scares me to death.

Wanting to get married again really was a big thing for me.  I honestly didn't see myself finding someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in my cards - especially after the horrible breakup of 2009.  - And the husband often jokes that we got married so quickly because he didn't want to give me the chance to run away -- sometimes I can't help but wonder how much truth to that there really is. 

So to consider bringing another child into this world is an even BIGGER thing for me...  and actually acting upon it by ceasing all forms of birth control is HUGE - super-duper-ridiculous huge. Three years ago, I would have hysterically laughed in your face had you told me I would be planning to have another child.  It just wasn't something I wanted to do again at all. 
  
Even now, I'm unsure.  The idea of it is nice.  I really would love to have a little boy to dork out with since Emily is sooooo super girly.  But the reality is that I'm just so unsure and so scared of the unknown.

Ideally -- with me being the over-planner that I am -- I'd like to wait till the end of the year to even start thinking about actively trying.  I'd like to get a few more things around our house completed.  I'd also like get my body to a healthier state so I can house a growing fetus and remain fairly active throughout the pregnancy -- that was something I didn't do with Emily and I remember regretting it after she came.

Once my cycles regulate, I know I will be frantically tracking them.  - But I figured the longer the IUD stayed in, the more excuses as to why we should wait for a more "convenient time" I would make - and let's be completely honest here -- there is no good time to have a baby.  -- Time is of the essence and I am no spring chicken anymore. 

If it happens, it happens and we will deal the best way we know how.

But for now, all I can do is take it one day at a time.  - Pray for peace and clarity often.  - Breathe and have faith that God knows exactly what He's doing.

Year 33

Today is my 33rd birthday.

If I had to choose only one word to describe my life as of late, it would be "Blessed" - no questions about that.

Earlier this week, during my morning commute into one of my many jobs, I reflected a bit on my life over the past 5 years. - The good, the bad and the very, very ugly.

It's no secret that my journey to where I am today was by no means a cake walk. I recall a time in 2008 when I was going on several months of being without a job, stuck on the seemingly never-ending waiting list for Aesthetics school, worrying about how I was going to put food on the table, and ultimately questioning my self-worth each and everyday.

It was only by the grace of God and the generosity of family & friends that got me through. Many of you reached out to help - whether it was providing a place to live, sending monetary gifts, providing me with groceries &/or Kroger gift cards that I used to put gas in my car, or even paying my way on much-needed get-away trips - had it not been for your generosity, I wouldn't have made it. - So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you and hope to someday be able to repay you as well as pay the kindness you showed me forward to someone else in need.

The definition of "Thankful" is:
(1) Pleased and relieved.
(2) Expressing gratitude and relief.

- Yup, that's pretty much me in nutshell.

No matter how I look at it, there's not much that I can't be thankful for these days. - I have a healthy & happy child. - A roof over our heads. - Groceries in the kitchen. - A car that runs. - Enough money to pay for gas. (Most of the time! Ha!) - And several jobs - all of which I love - that are directly related to my passion for makeup & skincare.

Even in the midst of everything positive, I find that I still struggle to find a balance between my personal time and business. I have a very bad habit of working myself straight into states of exhaustion and illness because I hate turning down work. When it comes to being a freelancer, financial security is NOT one of the many perks of my job. Work equals more money for my family, so naturally I try to accept every gig that I am offered. - And here's the kicker, my other gigs offer me somewhat set hours which means guaranteed money - which ultimately equates to some sense of security.

So I end up working my irregular freelancing schedule around the somewhat regular hours, and in all honesty, that gets a little tricky - making for very long work days and very few valid days off. - No matter how much you love what you do, anyone pulling those kind of hours is bound to have a time for meltdowns, rants and tantrums. Sure, I've considered cutting back on hours or even quitting one or two jobs all together, but ultimately, it boils down to the simple fact that I can't ever forget that horribly scary year that I was unable to find a job. - And now that I have several jobs in addition to all the freelancing work coming in, I have a really tough time saying no just so that I can score a day off to do nothing productive.

It's a double-edged sword at times. I feel so thankful for the work, but at the same time I get so overwhelmed with the lack of time for anything other than work. However, no matter what I feel at any given stressful moment, I will always end up saying this: - Yes, my schedule makes me crazy at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I am SERIOUSLY blessed to be so busy doing what I absolutely LOVE to do! As long as God keeps sending the opportunities my way, I will continue to graciously accept any and all work He provides!

In my recent hours of reflecting, I also came to some pretty powerful revelations about who've I've become over the last 3 years.

Let's just be honest, my 32nd year was the best year by far.

I feel like I have finally achieved some state of real happiness in my life. I suspect a lot of that comes from finally being at peace with who I am. - Oh and I'm sure having too many jobs, rather than none at all, helps with that too! ;)

- That age old saying, "You have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else" has never made so much sense until now. For so much of my life, I didn't like who I was, so I turned to alcohol to mask how I really felt. Pretty much all of my "adult" relationships were negatively effected by my actions while I was under the influence of alcohol. I never made the connection until the horrible breakup of 2009. - But even still, I only cut back on my days of partying, rather than stop all together, thus my self-destructive behavior continued.

It wasn't until Summer 2010, that I would have a major break-through. It wasn't even life-changing per se, but the potential of what could have happened had it not been for pure, dumb luck was what literally sobered me up.

Cliff Notes Version: - Friend's wedding. - Very reluctant to go. - Potential for ex-boyfriend drama. - Heavy drinking. - More drinking. - Leaving. - Driving. - Blacking out. - Waking up the next morning at a friend's house. - Can't find my shoes. - Plethora of missed calls & voicemails from worried friends.

- Bam!

That's when it hit me. I was 31 years old. I had a 5 year old daughter. What would have happened had I gotten a DUI - killed someone - died myself? What effect would that have had on Emily's life?

- Needless to say, my actions the previous night scared me so badly that the next morning I actively made some huge changes.

- I focused my energy into writing/blogging more. - I decided to take a much-needed break from partying and dating. - I set my heart on God and my mind on finishing school.

-Aside from my having an occasional drink, or glass of wine, I know that my life is much more peaceful without alcohol-binge induced insecurities rearing their ugly heads.

- Life is good.

- I have so much to be thankful for.

- I am blessed beyond belief.

- Year 32 was a rockin' year for me - the best by far.

- Hoping to raise the ante with my 33rd year.