Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"Ch-ch-ch-changes."

When thinking of song lyrics to associate with this particular blog entry, David Bowie sang it best.

Changes. Lots and lots of changes.

First and foremost, I'm finally finished with school!! Praise the great Lord above!! I made it. I survived. It may have taken me 13 freaking months to finish an 8 month program, but I DID IT.

This time last year I was barely on the other side of a completely debilitating bout with depression. School saved my sanity. As much as I've hated being there since I returned after my surgery, I can honestly say my completion of the program has been bittersweet.

- Now I'm in the process of transitioning into an Aesthetics position at The Wax Pot Studio. - Initially, I had thought we would be in the 12th Ave South area of Nashville for at least another year, however, in November we will be moving to a new location in the heart of downtown Nashville because the building we're renting out of is being sold.

Also within the past week, came another major unexpected turn of events. I was offered a position as Office Manager / On-site Hair & Makeup Stylist with R. Tracy Photography Studio. I've worked with Tracy a handful of times. He's one of the 3 Nashville photographers that if my phone rings and it's their name on the caller id, no matter what I'm doing, I will answer the call.

He said he had an "epiphany" of some sort at 2am one morning that I was the missing link to his proverbial dream team. - Crazy. Out of nowhere, last Tuesday morning, he calls me and starts firing off questions about my career goals, my schedule with my daughter, my general availability. - Then says he needs to talk to his business partner, hangs up and calls me back ten minutes later to ask me to come talk about the position that afternoon.

I go in for a second meeting on Friday to talk about compensation, hours, job duties and I'm thinking he's going to give me a couple of days to think about accepting the position, but when I get there, he has me clock in... Holy cannoli. Just like that, I'm on the payroll.

I'm overwhelmed. I stay for a couple of hours, clock out, go home and immediately start praying, weighing my options and completely stressing myself out worrying over how I'm going to meld yet another job into my ridiculously crazy schedule and how it will effect my situation/dynamic with Lynette over at The Wax Pot. - That night I basically talked myself into not taking the position.

Saturday rolls around, and I'm still telling the few people that I've mentioned the whole ordeal to that I'm not going to take the position.

Sunday, during lunch with my family, I again state that it's just not going to be what I need or want.

Sunday afternoon, while watching Emmy play at the park, I start weighing the pros and cons once again. I decide I just need to get Lynette's opinion on the matter. So I text her and ask her to give me a buzz later that evening so we can chat.

Well, needless to say, after speaking to her about the whole situation, I felt confident that it was all going to work out. - Seriously, what's that saying, "We plan, God laughs." I can't agree more.

So... Monday was my last day of school. Today, being Tuesday, I started my new job at the photography studio. I've dedicated this week to working there, learning my job duties, and just getting acclimated to my new surroundings and schedule. I am planning to spend some time getting my temporary treatment room set up at The Wax Pot at some point so I can hopefully be able to book clients two days a week starting next week.

I don't even know what to say. Everything is crazy amazing right now. - My love life being no exception.

It's been no mystery that I've totally been on an "Anti-Boys" kick lately. However, despite my best efforts to remain a singular individual, I have met someone who has been able to completely infiltrate my defenses and sweep me off my feet. It's been a wonderful, amazingly refreshing surprise. I feel like such a silly girl... and as stupid as that makes me feel, I can honestly say it feels so, so good to be this excited over someone again.

It's crazy to see the difference one ridiculously awful year can make. - I did it though. - I survived. - And now my life is so amazingly good. - Furthermore, most importantly, I know that I deserve it.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

"And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears."

I've never been one to gush publicly about my relationships. - I don't get it at all. - I can write and write so freely about all the traumatic happenings that took place in my lifetime, but when it comes to being completely vulnerable with my heart at the mercy of a man, I have much difficulty articulating what I feel.

- Jaded? - Oh, yes, absolutely.

- Disappointed/embarrassed by the failure of past relationships? - Goodness, yes.

- Scared to death of jinxing things? - Yes, yes, yes!

I guess in my mind, it's so hard for me to open up about the personal things in my life, new relationships in particular, because I'm pre-programed to expect them to fail miserably, especially when everything else in my life is going so unbelievably well. I'm always waiting for the proverbial ball to drop. Good things just don't happen to me all that often. - So instead of screaming at the top of my lungs that I'm completely taken by a boy in the middle of a crowded street, I wait till it's pulled out of me by someone close.

Case & Point, Monday morning's conversation with my best friend who I affectionately call "The Bastage." We talk almost every morning as we make our separate ways into work and school in the midst of rush hour traffic.

He had obviously read my latest blog post from last Sunday, because he lead into the conversation with this, "So... what's new??? I see you have a new boyfriend?"

I laughed it off and said, "Sort of, yes, I've met someone," and then proceeded to tell him about the strange happenings surrounding our official meeting.

When I finished, he said, "Well, thanks for making me pull it out of you."

This made me sad. - For a handful of reasons really.

One - being I haven't even talked to my close GIRLfriends about it. Basically, the only people that knew were the girls I'm in class with 5 days a week. It was obvious to them that something had shifted especially because being stuck in the eternal purgatory I like to call "Aesthetics School" had suddenly become more tolerable. - I suppose it was easier to talk to them about it because they don't know the gory details of my last heartbreak or my ridiculous dating habits.

Two - being the realization of just how skittish I have become when it comes to love, true intimacy (the non-physical kind) - and meaningful relationships.

Three - when did being in a relationship become such a source of social discomfort for me? When did I start making my relationships something to be embarrassed of? - Or fear being judged about? - I'm guessing since my last real relationship failed so miserably, it has pretty much marred my views on what love actually means.

I loved a man so completely, and he claimed to love me just as much, but yet how we showed those feelings never aligned. Our views and actions were so non-congruent that even today, I'm still so confused by it all. I mean, really, how can you feel someone is so completely right, even in the midst of all the horrible things that happened, and in reality be so, so completely wrong for you??? How do you allow yourself to get to a point where there's absolutely zero proof that it was ever right in the first place, yet you still believe it to be so?

- Brings me back to Albert Einstein's definition of insanity. You know, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But I digress, if you're in love, shouldn't you naturally want to tell the world? Why am I so scared to tell people that I am, in fact, excited over this one?

In my many, many years of dating, I have never had a man be as transparent as he has been. - Even in the face of adversity, he's made it public knowledge that he's completely stupid over me. There are no doubts in my mind as to what he feels. There are no awkward dating "do this, don't do that" rules to abide by and no confusing "guy code" to decipher. It's all a very nice, and very welcomed change.

Furthermore, on the other side of things, meaning "My Side" - not once has my "date safe protocol" been implemented. - No red flags have been thrown. - No sudden, over-powering urges to bolt in the opposite direction and never look back have surfaced. - Mostly, because I know even if I tried to run at this point, I wouldn't get very far. - That in itself, is HUGE for me.

So, with all that being said, I'm attempting to take refuge in these lyrics: "And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. - And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears." - After the Storm by Mumford & Sons.

Maybe, just maybe, that time has come...