Stuff No One Tells You About Labor, Delivery & the Aftermath of Raising A Newborn.

1) Birthing a child is major trauma to your body.

I delivered Xander at 2pm, got to spend all of 20 minutes -- if that -- with my newborn before they took him away to the nursery - along with my husband.

I was alone, covered in blood from the waist down and had yet to be cleaned and re-dressed after delivery. -- If you opt for an epidural, you have to wait for it to wear off before you can walk (escorted by nurses) to the bathroom for clean up.

Our family and friends started arriving at 4pm.

If I had it to do all over again, I would have opted for everyone to come the next day rather than 2 hours after I delivered. - Not that I'm ungrateful about everyone coming out, but like I said, birthing a human being is some serious trauma to your body.

- We had 11 people in our room at one point (not including the Husband & myself) all waiting to see the baby - who wasn't even back from the nursery yet -- and everyone had to be shooed out of the room so the nurses could help me get cleaned up.

Once I was presentable, everyone was allowed back in the room and the passing around of the baby officially began. - But shortly after that, the nursery nurse came in to shoo everyone out - yet again - so I could try to breastfeed since it had been several hours since Xander was born and we literally had no chance to have some one-on-one time.

All in all, it was just a crazy time to have so many visitors on top of being completely exhausted and in so much pain from labor and delivery (I wasn't given any post-delivery pain meds yet).


2) You will get absolutely ZERO rest during your stay at the hospital.

We had hospital staff in and out of our room every couple hours. It was super ridiculous.


3) If you opt to have your baby boy circumcised and you're breastfeeding, DON'T get discouraged when he is completely inconsolable the evening after the procedure.

Xander screamed & cried all night and into the morning. He just could not settle and he refused to nurse from me. - This caused me to worry and stress because I had so many breastfeeding issues with Emily and I didn't want a repeat of that with this baby, plus I was feeling pressured by the evil nursery nurses to be sure he was nursing every 3 hours. He was totally inconsolable and cried so hard that his little voice went hoarse. We got absolutely no sleep that night / morning until the nurses came at 5am to take him for lab work. - But apparently, that is completely normal behavior for a newly circumcised newborn -- which they failed to tell me till the next morning. So don't let those nursery nurses stress you out by coming in every few hours asking how long your baby nursed and if he had any dirty diapers while he's screaming so loudly that you can't hear what they're asking you. - It's their job to ask and chart. Be strong and resist the urge to punch them in the face. I did. Barely.

-- Oh, and the nurses won't OFFER to take your baby for you that last night... But you can most definitely request that they take the baby for a few hours so you can get some rest. I didn't find this out until I was ready to go completely ballistic on my doctor who came in at 5:30am to ask me how that night went.


4) You will cry over anything and everything... for a while.

Xander is a month old and I still find myself crying over the littlest things - though it's not as bad as it was during the first few weeks post-delivery.

Chalk it up to hormones, sleep deprivation and just an overwhelming sense of constant worry about trying to do everything right.

This is my 2nd child and every day I wonder (and worry) about how we're going to make this all work. How I'm going to be able to handle going back to work with TWO kids' schedules to manage now.

I have to constantly remind myself that it WILL get easier. This tiny baby stage goes by super fast (even though it doesn't feel like it right now). The craziness, the sleep-deprivation and the colic will all be over before we know it and we'll find a new sense of "normal" that works specifically for our family.


5) Breastfeeding is SUPER hard!

Despite it being natural and what our bodies are ultimately designed for, nursing an infant isn't easy by any means. For a lot of women, it doesn't come naturally and is super difficult, stressful and exhausting... But NO ONE ever tells you that!

I had major issues with Emily and completely abandoned breastfeeding when she was 8 weeks. But I am super determined to stick with it this time around for Xander (and for our pocketbook -- because formula is STUPID expensive). I'm hoping to do it for a year but at the very least, for 6 months.

Nursing is a serious commitment, especially the first few months, and it's not easy by any means. - You're exhausted, your nipples are sore and your boobs are achy.

Everyone is offering to come "help" with the baby, but the reality of it is they can't really do much. Breastfed babies nurse every 2-3 hours. (There have been days here lately where Xander has nursed almost every hour during his growth spurts.) So even if you opt to introduce bottle feeding before the recommended 4-6 weeks and have someone else do a feeding to give you a "break", guess what, you still have to get up and pump.

Xander is currently going through a colicky phase where most feedings he will eat from me just fine, but for at least one feeding during his colicky spell he will only take a bottle. So every time, I have to hand him off to dad and go spend 10 minutes pumping to ensure that my milk supply won't diminish by him missing a feeding. It's a royal pain to be locked away in your bedroom connected to a pump while your fussy, inconsolable baby is giving your significant other a run for his money and you not being able to help. But it has to be done.

I still worry and stress over my milk supply every day. - And I'm still waiting for the breastfeeding thing to get "easy" -- but I have a feeling it will be another month or so... Especially if Xander's colicky phase doesn't go away sooner rather than later.

It's a constant worry for me. I google stuff every single day... Like what foods to avoid that might contribute to his fussiness / gassiness. I feel guilty if I drink coffee or have a pop and eat junk food.

I find myself stressing over time more now too... Like there's a sense of urgency to get outings done right after he's been fed because that gives us a good 2-3 hours before he'll need to eat again. - And I still have yet to master gracefully (and modestly) breastfeeding in public -- so I try to not have to do it as often as I can.

It's hard... That's all I can say. - But it's best for Xander and ultimately what's best for our family budget right now too. So I'm trying my best to trudge on, despite my wanting to quit every single day and will continue to do little victory dances in my head at every pediatric check up when they tell me how much he weighs and that he's gained a substantial amount of weight since his last appointment.


All that being said, I feel the need to share some of the things I did that have helped me be successful (thus far) at breastfeeding this time around:

* Rent a pump from the hospital for the first 2 weeks -- even if you already have a pump at home. A hospital grade pump is more efficient at emptying your breast than any other pump you can buy at the store and will help jump start your milk supply. (Furthermore, when shopping for a breast pump, always opt for an electric pump rather than a hand-held manual pump -- I speak from experience here. Manual pumping with a newborn baby was insanity.)

* Don't forget to eat! I find that I am hungrier now than I was when I was pregnant. Breastfeeding burns MAJOR calories and you need to nourish your body so you can feed and nourish your baby.

Those first 2 weeks I was so tired, I slept every time the baby would and just wouldn't eat. Big no-no! Enlist help! Have your partner bring you a snack every time you are feeding baby. Prep healthy snacks you can grab before a feeding and easily eat during a feeding for those days your partner has to go into work and you're flying solo with baby.

* Stay hydrated. I drink a TON of water. It's ridiculous. The good thing is you won't have to pee every 3 minutes because your body is absorbing it, plus there's not a baby dancing on your bladder anymore. Try to incorporate juice and milk too -- you need the Calcium and the Vitamin C to stay healthy so you can continue to take care of that little one.

* Keep taking your Pre-Natal Vitamins... I've found that if I take mine with dinner, Xander doesn't have issue with it... But if I take it on an emptier stomach, like before bed, like I did when I was pregnant, feedings were more difficult. Also, a common complaint amongst breastfeeding moms is that iron can cause increased fussiness. I have to agree, as I started a vitamin based anti-depressant with iron and noticed he was super fussy the few days I took it. So ditch the iron supplements unless your doctor tells you to keep taking them.

* I've had the worst luck with washable / reusable nursing pads. I always soak through. I found the disposable nursing pads have worked best for me. They keep you drier too - which means less chance of bacteria & infection. You can buy a box of 100 at Walmart for $12. Either way, which ever ones you choose, change your nursing pads often to reduce your risk of infection -- because mastitis sucks -- again, I speak from experience.


It seems a lot of my friends are expecting their first babies very soon. I hope this helps some of you prep for the reality of becoming parents.

It's not glamorous... It's scary, difficult and very frustrating a lot of the time. I guarantee at some point or another, you'll get angry with your partner, you'll be jealous of the amount of sleep they're getting, you'll feel like you're doing everything, you'll be surrounded by people wanting to help but feel completely alone and you'll most definitely wonder to yourself during those hours of incessant, inconsolable crying from your fussy baby "How in the world did I convince myself that this was a good idea?" - But in those moments, just try to take a deep breath, remind yourself that it DOES get easier, it IS a good idea and it WILL all be SO worth it. Repeating those things every day seems to be working for me.

Much love, Friends.

Xander

My last pregnancy picture EVER! 

 Sunday, December 15th, 2013.

At midnight on Monday, December 16th, 2013 the Husband & I were checking in at Summit Medical Center for our scheduled induction later that day.

We were assigned to room 202.

I was told to get settled and that the nurses would be in shortly to get me all set up.


My nurses returned and checked my cervix. I was already 4cm dilated, so they didn't have to administer the Prostaglandin E2 gel to ripen my cervix.

They hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor, a contraction monitor, a blood pressure band and started my iv. The iv to the hand has got to be one of the worst parts of labor & delivery -- at least for me.

By 2am, I was finally finished processing. Sandra told me to rest and that she'd be back in at 4am to start my Pitocin drip.

Rest and sleep seemed impossible for both the Husband and me. I tried to unwind by watching movies on the iPad, while the Husband played on his Nintendo ds.

At 4am, Sandra returned and started administering the Pitocin. She was back to check my progress about every 30 to 40 minutes.

My doctor had 4 inductions and a c-section scheduled for that day. The nurses were betting on me being the first to deliver.

Since my doctor had a c-section scheduled at 7:30am, my nurse suggested I go ahead and get my epidural before shift change happened at 7am since my contractions were picking up.

So around 6:30am the anaesthetic technician came in to administer the epidural. She advised me this "cocktail" of epidural was different from the one I had with Emily. Mainly, there would be more "feeling" of pressure so I would be able to push more effectively and that this epidural had a dose of narcotics mixed in.

A little after 7am, my doctor came in to break my water. He wasn't able to though... Something was at a weird angle preventing him access to my amniotic bag. - So he said he'd return to try again after his c-section.

This slowed my labor progress quiet a bit. Nurse Diane was concerned with increasing my Pitocin levels, so she inserted an inter-uterine contraction monitor to better gauge my progress.

A little after 9am, my doctor returned for his 2nd attempt at breaking my water. It took him a bit, but he was finally able to.

Now we had officially reached the "hurry up and wait" part of labor.

At some point around 10am, my in-laws arrived to keep us company. - And some time after that we heard cries of a newborn baby in another room which meant that I was NOT the first to deliver after all.

I was able to catch quick, short-lived naps but every time I woke I felt hot, feverish and nauseated from the narcotic in the epidural. I remember having to fan myself constantly and chew ice chips to keep from yacking in front of everyone.

Around lunchtime, I started feeling some pressure from the contractions and knew it wouldn't be too much longer.

About 12:30pm my in-laws decided to go grab some lunch from hospital cafeteria. The Husband and I both tried to rest for a bit.

At 1pm, Nurse Diane returned to check my cervix again and said we were getting close.

Around 1:15pm, the nurses started bringing all the birthing "equipment" into the room. Nurse Diane said, "It's time!" -- Poor Husband had JUST fallen asleep too!

They started converting my bed -- with me still in it -- into the birthing table. My in-laws had finished lunch and were trying to return to our room but were told it was time.

I think by 1:30pm, Nurse Diane had started coaching me on what to do and when to do it, but before she could finish talking, I had already felt the need to bear down and push. And so it began.

I don't remember how many times I pushed, I just remember Diane trying to get me to refocus on something other than the pain in between contractions by having me tell her about a craft project for a baby ornament I saw on Pintrest.

I also remember during each push I was thinking to myself, "How many more pushes?" "How much longer?" "Surely it can't be too many more! -But oh my God, what if it takes forever?!"

At some point my doctor arrived on the scene and took Diane's place. I think I only pushed a few more times and with each push, in my head, I was praying that baby Xander would come quickly.

Finally, I saw in my peripheral vision a little head... Then had to bear down and push one final BIG push and he was out. "Thank God" was all I could say.

Dr. Hamilton placed him on my chest and I remember the Husband saying that he looks like me and has Emmy's nose.

He was perfect. - Lots of dark hair. Super long, adorable fingers.

12/16/2013 @ 2:02pm - Xander Alan Fox-Smith, 7lbs 15oz, 20 inches long.

Around 4pm, thanks to Aunt Heather, Big Sister Emily who had been at school all day finally got to meet her new baby brother.

Baby!

So my emotions have been all over the place lately and here's why:

- Yup, we are pregnant.

We had a bit of a scare last week.  I had some bleeding and cramping again...  and due to how our last pregnancy turned out, I was prematurely worried and heartbroken.

But we had an ultrasound the next day and the baby is doing just fine.  -And from what we witnessed on the ultrasound, we have a very active, bouncing baby bean in my belly.

I still have a subcorneal hemorrhage - which I had with the previous baby - but my doctor said the bleeding was the hemorrhage trying to flush itself from my system.  - So it's still there, but smaller and should resolve itself as the baby grows.  The doctor doesn't seem too concerned about it, but I am a creature of worry so please continue to keep us in your prayers as we venture through this pregnancy. 


We're excited.  - Especially Emmy.

- Oh, and Em and I are really, really hoping for a baby BOY.  :)


(All photos courtesy of Brooke Kelly Photography)

Dumpy Donuts

Life is full of ups and downs -- so many highs and so many lows.

I don't even know where to begin.

Recently, I've had to recollect a lot on my past. - Not only personally & privately, but in front of my physicians and with my spouse. - If that thought doesn't make you cringe, then you probably don't have a past quite as colorful as mine.

That being said, I am one to cling to a Christian belief system where if you confess your sins and ask God for forgiveness then you are ultimately forgiven & given a clean slate.

But despite my beliefs, I still struggle with self-forgiveness. There's still a great deal of shame and embarrassment when it comes to discussing the crummy decisions I made in my past. - And I can't help but feel that those decisions made so long ago are still affecting my life presently.

I half-jokingly say that God's finally punishing me for the awful things I did. - But even though I don't truly feel that way, I still sometimes wonder if there's any truth to that.

This week we should have been welcoming the arrival of that precious baby we lost back in November. We should have been massively sleep deprived and completely in love with a new bundle of baby-joy in our lives but God had other plans for us.

- Instead of being overwhelmed with love, we've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with a large serving of loss. We re-homed 2 sweet dogs and had to bury 2 other beloved dogs.

Needless to say, it's been a craptastic couple of weeks!

I feel so empty on the inside.

- And truthfully, I feel a little jealous (and admittedly, even a little angry) about all of my friends who have recently welcomed - or who are expecting to welcome their healthy, full-term bundles of joy any day now -- and feeling that way makes me feel even more wretched. It's a vicious cycle!

Dumpy donuts.

There's not much I can do at this point in time except wait... for answers, clarity, peace, forgiveness & healing.

Please pray your sincerest prayers of healing & protection over our family -- I just don't think I can handle anymore loss in my life right now.

Words

I've been struggling to find words to describe how I've been feeling as of late.

I've never been one to be very open about my problems, emotions or feelings -- especially to my girlfriends.

I guess that all spawned from my mom constantly telling me that people just don't care when your life isn't "good" -- no one wants to be brought down by your bad news/mood/circumstance - whatever the case may be.

- Through the years and the MANY changes to my friend circle my life has undergone; for the most part, I found this to be true more often than not.

So instead of openly complaining or reaching out to my "friends" for comfort, I try, instead, to seem as positive as possible on the outside despite the inner turmoil happening on the inside and just keep my personal battles to myself.

Lately though, I've felt pretty alone. Aside from my daughter and my husband, I've truly felt like I don't have any friends anymore. - Maybe "friends" isn't the right word... It's more like "meaningful connections" with my friends.

I feel so completely out of the loop these days.

My friends from back home (Florida) rarely ever call - and honestly, home doesn't feel like "home" anymore. Nashville is definitely where I've made home.

- But even here, lately, I've felt so disconnected and so lonely. I feel like I have 2, maybe 3, solid friendships these days -- and even those seem pretty non-existent right now due to everyone dealing with their own personal struggles. - And then the rest of my friends are only "friends" by proxy -- meaning they're all friends with my 2 friends or my husband, so I'm just sort of included in their email exchanges, invited to gatherings and so on and so forth - but I still don't feel like I really fit in.

- I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.

All I know is I've been super introverted and have isolated myself from every possible social situation I've been faced with for the past several weeks simply to avoid having to talk about personal stuff.

- Crazy, I know.

I don't really know exactly what the point of this journal entry is, but I feel like I should make some goals for myself to try to remedy how I'm feeling in hopes that it doesn't escalate to anything more serious.

• I want to make friends with children close to Emily's age. - Maybe find a mom's group to be a part of.

• I want to find a church home where I feel comfortable. I get overwhelmed by big, stuffy churches.

• I want to cut back on working so much so I can spend more time with friends and family.

• I want to start doing dinner and movie nights with my friends at our home again.

Maybe I'll figure it all out soon enough or just snap out of this self-induced funk I'm in. - Either way is fine by me. Say a prayer for me if you will, please & thank you.

Loss

Last week seems like such a blur - that's probably due in part to the heavy meds I've been on, but all in all, I don't feel like I missed too much.  I was able to take several days off from work and I'm really thankful for that.

I broke the news of the miscarriage to Em on Monday night while she was helping make dinner.  I wanted to wait till she was home for the week to tell her so she'd have all the opportunities for questions and much-needed comfort.

I think having to tell her made things seem much more real.  It's almost like I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything, except when I was alone in my bed, waiting for the medications to sweep me off to sleep each night.  - But that afternoon was different, I gave myself permission to cry in front of her...  and it wasn't really by choice...  It just happened - as soon as I started telling her the results of the final ultrasound, I choked up and it all came out.

She just stood there, staring at me.  I saw genuine concern in her face and tears began to well up in her big brown eyes, but she didn't cry.  She just maintained eye contact, and nodded her head in response to the things I said.

I assured her that I was okay.  - That it wasn't because of anything I did or anyone did to me.  - That sometimes these things happen.  I told her it was okay to be sad and that she could ask as many questions as she needed to.  - I told her the doctor said we needed to wait a couple of months and then we could try again.  - And to that she asked, "But will you try again, Mommy?"  - How does she do that?  She knows me so well, it's scary.

It's no secret that I've been very unsure about the whole having another baby thing.  I've been so wishy-washy.  Even after I found out I was pregnant again there were days I was super happy and excited about it.  - And then there were days where I wondered if it was such a great idea after all.

This was the first time in my life where the fact that I was late getting my period wasn't an "Oh, shit" moment.  I'm a grown, responsible adult.  I've managed to raise one amazing child already.  I'm married.  My husband has always wanted children.  We have a roof over our heads.  - And we are both gainfully employed.  It all adds up in the positive, right?  I mean, that's a Grade A spawning situation, right?  - But there I was second-guessing every little thing.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's just me.  Am I non-committal about the things most women my age aren't non-committal about?

With all the complications I had with this pregnancy from the get-go, I can honestly say I was half expecting this outcome.  I had been mentally preparing myself for this loss since my last spotting episode about 3 weeks prior.  Even the morning before I went for my last ultrasound, I told a friend that I wouldn't be completely devastated or surprised if I miscarried.

After my ultrasound, I knew the bad news even before my doctor came to deliver it.  I watched the tech take measurements and scan for the heartbeat several times, unsuccessfully.  I recognized how my doctor assessed my demeanor and emotional state when he entered.  - Despite the news, I managed to remain pretty well-composed as we discussed the pros & cons of having a D&C procedure and our options in regards to spawning post-surgery.  I didn't allow myself to cry until I was in my car, calling my husband on the phone. 

There it was.  No more baby.  The heartbreak was real and much deeper than I could have ever imagined.  - And surprisingly, I was devastated despite my earlier proclamation to my friend.

When you're the one trying to process all of this, it's easy to believe that you'll be the only one affected.  But as soon as I heard Alan's voice, I quickly realized how wrong I was.  My heart was breaking not only for me and the loss of the baby, but for my husband and my daughter too.

My only regret is that I didn't realize how much I really wanted that baby until my choice in the matter was completely taken away from me.  I wish I had been more present and less worrisome.

Emily has handled everything like the champ that she is.  She sporadically asks me questions when it's just her and me - and if she thinks of a question when the husband is around, she politely shoos him away.

As of now, our intention is to try again.  - Like I said before, I am giving myself all of next year to indulge in the idea of becoming a parent all over again.  - If it happens, it happens.  - If it doesn't, hey, at least we tried and we still have one amazing daughter to keep us plenty occupied.

We're going to take our time healing from this heartbreak.  - Start living healthier and trying to be more active.  - Get through the holidays.  - And we'll probably officially start trying again in February or March.

Yikes

I had a series of doctors appointments over the course of 2 weeks and for the most part all my labs came back fairly normal.  There were a few things my doctor said we would watch over the next few months, but also said if I get my diet and exercise habits in order those things should remedy themselves.

I am officially off all medications - excluding Zyrtec for my ridiculous allergies.  I stopped taking my anti-depressant (Celexa) about 2 months ago and seem to be doing fine emotionally -- at least for now.  My doctor mentioned there is a new medication out that has none of the side effects that concern me most and since I've tried so many other anti-depressants over the course of my adult life, if we -- as in my family -- started to notice signs of depression creeping back in it would be a good fit for me.  I also opted to take Melatonin to help me sleep instead of a sleep-aid and that seems to be helping with my erratic sleep schedule.

Last Wednesday I had to have a minor out-patient surgical procedure to have my IUD removed.  Typically, surgery isn't necessary to have them removed, however, my device had traveled a bit into my cervical canal.  The procedure wasn't too horrible.  They gave me local anesthesia so I didn't feel too much.  - Though I've been quite crampy since - today being no exception.

I almost called to cancel the removal 3 times that morning.  I think I was more scared of the fact that I am now able to get pregnant than of the procedure itself.

I don't get it.  I have no idea what I'm so afraid of.  I'm in the ideal situation to add to my family.  I have a husband and he's a great step-dad to my daughter and will no doubt be a great father to his own child.  I have a sweet, intuitive daughter who will be an amazing big sister.  We have a home and I am gainfully employed.  All situations are right for spawning.

- So why then am I so freaking scared?  What's got me so completely spooked?  -- I don't exactly know nor can I put my finger specifically on just one thing.

I worry about:  - My business.  - My family's finances and overall security.  - The strain a new baby can put on a new marriage.  - Providing for a baby.  - Being that girl who has 2 kids from 2 different dads. (Have I been watching too much Maury?)

I've been so pensive over the last few days -- trying to pinpoint where all this anxiety is coming from.

I think deep down I'm still so pessimistic when it comes to what I believe about relationships and commitment.  I was programmed from a very young age by my own mother to always be prepared for the bottom to fallout of whatever seemingly perfect relationship I put myself into.  It's hard to undo that kind of thinking.  - Especially if you personally haven't experienced anything different in your own life experiences.  I have always had a very difficult time seeing me with one person for the rest of my life -- not because I have any desire to leave -- but rather I have this unrealistic expectation that he will ultimately leave me alone in the end.  There are no 100% guarantees in life or in love and that scares me to death.

Wanting to get married again really was a big thing for me.  I honestly didn't see myself finding someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in my cards - especially after the horrible breakup of 2009.  - And the husband often jokes that we got married so quickly because he didn't want to give me the chance to run away -- sometimes I can't help but wonder how much truth to that there really is. 

So to consider bringing another child into this world is an even BIGGER thing for me...  and actually acting upon it by ceasing all forms of birth control is HUGE - super-duper-ridiculous huge. Three years ago, I would have hysterically laughed in your face had you told me I would be planning to have another child.  It just wasn't something I wanted to do again at all. 
  
Even now, I'm unsure.  The idea of it is nice.  I really would love to have a little boy to dork out with since Emily is sooooo super girly.  But the reality is that I'm just so unsure and so scared of the unknown.

Ideally -- with me being the over-planner that I am -- I'd like to wait till the end of the year to even start thinking about actively trying.  I'd like to get a few more things around our house completed.  I'd also like get my body to a healthier state so I can house a growing fetus and remain fairly active throughout the pregnancy -- that was something I didn't do with Emily and I remember regretting it after she came.

Once my cycles regulate, I know I will be frantically tracking them.  - But I figured the longer the IUD stayed in, the more excuses as to why we should wait for a more "convenient time" I would make - and let's be completely honest here -- there is no good time to have a baby.  -- Time is of the essence and I am no spring chicken anymore. 

If it happens, it happens and we will deal the best way we know how.

But for now, all I can do is take it one day at a time.  - Pray for peace and clarity often.  - Breathe and have faith that God knows exactly what He's doing.