2018

#GoalDigger

No resolutions.  No specific order.

Just a list of things I'd like to embrace, accomplish, and achieve throughout this year.

I've been thinking on this post for several days now.

Posting it here for transparency and accountability's sake.


1) Practice - and make a habit of - loving myself first - where ever I am, just as I am.
  - Physically:  It's so easy to pick my appearance completely apart at any given moment.  - Whether it be those ever-present forehead wrinkles, that extra chin flab, the way my jeans squeeze my love handles up and out, how the back of my arms jiggle when I'm teasing a client's hair.

- It's all a work in progress though.  So as long as I'm making an effort to work on the things I am able to change about my body, I am trying to reprogram my thought patterns to be kinder to myself and to just keep moving forward without releasing those negatively-charged thoughts into my universe.

  - Mentally & Emotionally: I'm a person who struggles with depression and anxiety.  I have major insecurities, hang-ups, and quirks that make it hard for me to open up to people outside of my friend circle.  I'm extremely emotional.  I cry all the time... when I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, happy, excited, proud, touched.

  For several years leading up to the separation, I made myself numb.  I stopped fighting.  I stopped crying.  I stopped caring...  all because I either wasn't being heard, or I was made to feel silly for being upset over whatever it was I was upset over.

  I don't want to lose that part of myself again.  I feel better when I'm able to cry freely without being judged or told to "suck it up" or to "be a big girl" about it.  - So this year is the year, I want to own feeling what I feel when I feel it... not to numb it, or dumb it down, or self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or meaningless relationships.  I want to feel it all and not be ashamed of being overly-emotional.  I want to be proud of myself for allowing myself to feel without worrying how others perceive me or about whether or not they approve of my crazy-emotional-self.  This past year and a half has been tremendously cathartic in the sense that I've cried more than I have in the 5 years prior.  I've allowed myself to feel and be felt and be heard again.  I'm well on my way to figuring out who and what I'm supposed to be now as a single mother of 2...  not a married mother of 2 kids, a nephew and a man-child of a husband.  (No offense to my ex if he's reading this...  these were MY feelings towards the end of our marriage, not facts.)


2) Prioritize self-care - for me and me alone.
  - This means not talking myself out of those unnecessary massage appointments, or much-needed manicures / pedicures, or pushing those cut & color hair appointments to every 6 months instead of every 6-8 weeks.

  - I was discussing motherhood and all the transitions moms go through with a new mom the other day.  It made me realize that most new moms - and moms who have another baby - all go through a period of time after having said baby where they feel frumpy or just don't really care about their appearance.  Sleep takes precedence. But most of them bounce back to being their version of "normal" sometime within that first year post-baby-birthing.

   After Xander, I definitely felt like a frumpy ass mom.  I nursed for 16 months.  Nursing attire isn't exactly the most flattering.  Feeling like a literal cow being milked every few hours.  Not having your body - or your boobs - to yourself.  The only touching of your breasts were by your baby or the breast pump.  My breasts had become purely functional.

   But even after I stopped nursing, I still didn't bounce back.  I never did anything to my hair.  It was always up in a ponytail or a bun.   I only did my makeup when I was going to work...  and even then it was super minimal and very toned down.  Sleep was still taking precedence.  - And I felt selfish asking for time to myself so I could get ready for work without my baby being attached to me.

   I struggled with aging gracefully.  I obsessed over looking age appropriate.  I worried if I wore too much makeup when I was out with my kids that I would be viewed negatively by other moms.  I convinced myself I was too old to do a smoky dramatic eye look on myself.  - That I had too many wrinkles to wear highlighter.  - That I was too old to wear a dark lip color.

   I think I started trying to force myself out of that frumpy-dumpy period in 2016.  I had a real hair appointment with a new hair stylist at a new salon on my 37th birthday.  I spent about 4 hours at the salon that day.  Spending more than an hour doing something for myself - without my kids - was not something I did...  EVER.  I told my hair stylist that I needed something very low maintenance and that I could only commit to touchup appointments every 8 weeks or so.

 
  In the fall of the prior year, I had picked up running again but with the hotter temperatures and the humidity, my runs were getting more and more sporadic.  So I joined the local gym a couple of months after my birthday and started going to the gym in the mornings after I'd drop Em off at school.  I didn't feel guilty for taking an hour for myself because most mornings Xander and his dad both would still be asleep while I was gone.

 
  - I got gift certificates for mani/pedis and massages from the kids and my ex pretty regularly.  I think after Mother's Day, I started making regular bi-weekly appointments for those services as well.

  - Anyway, I say all that because I'm now approaching my 39th birthday, Xander just turned 4, and I feel that I've only recently - within the last year - have really bounced back and found myself again after being stuck in that "Frumpy Dumpy Mom" stage.

  Most days now, I do take the time to wand or wave my hair with a flat iron, granted I don't wash my hair everyday anymore so once I style it, the next day's hair is minimal work.

  I have started being comfortable wearing more makeup again.  I don't shy away from doing a dramatic smoky eye look on myself anymore.  I've purchased non-conventional eyeliner colors that I wear on a regular basis.  I have comfortably worn a dark, bold lip to work and then to the grocery store with my kids and not felt embarrassed or self-conscious about it.

  Self-care isn't something to be ashamed or embarrassed of.  I feel better when I take the time to do the things that make me look and feel better.  Whether it be a long bath, a hair appointment to color and hide all the grays that are showing, or just throwing on a little winged eyeliner and a red lip... I can take better care of those I love when I feel better about myself.


3) To be able to fit into my skinny jeans.
  - This has been on my New Years list for several years now.  Every year I haven't made it happen.  This year is going to be the year.  I've set some hefty fitness goals for myself.  Prioritize workouts. Meal plan.  No excuses.


4) Make a solid decision about furthering my education... or not.
  - To commit to going back to school or not.  I feel like every year I toss the idea around and then completely abandon it.  I've been praying for some direction and answers lately and have even looked into some programs.
  It really just boils down to whether or not I feel like I'm using my God-Given talents to their full potential right now.  Is makeup what I'm called to do or is this just an avenue to get me to the next thing?  Ideally, I'm praying to have made a decision / commitment by Fall of this year.


5) Volunteer more.
  - I want to get plugged in somewhere and start giving back to the community...  I do a lot for dogs, but I want to do more for PEOPLE.  Specifically women and teens.  Reaching out to Thistle Farms this week.  Would appreciate any feedback or advice on organizations that might be good for me to look into.


6) Find a church to call home.
 - I've been visiting, but haven't committed to any one church as of yet.


7) Take some classes - just for fun.
  - An art class, a sewing class, a cooking class, a dance class, a DIY class.


8) Home Improvements / DIYing
 - Firstly, I need to paint the walls of this house.  I have all the paint, just ZERO motivation to do it by myself.  I'm going to schedule a paint party and all my friends better come.  Ha!
 - I also want to start tackling all those little things on the home inspection that need to be addressed.  I've always been apprehensive about doing things like that on my own, but I need to get over my fears and just start somewhere.  So, many trips to Home Depot are in my near future.
 - Lastly, I'd like to finally be able to afford putting a fence in.  So I can save more dogs, of course.  Ha!


9) Schedule more time off, mental breaks and mini vacations.
  - We all know I'm a workaholic.  If I'm not working, it's only because I have the kids at home with me.  Mental breaks and mini vacations have never been a priority for me.  This is the year that's going to change.  Hold me accountable.  If I start complaining about working too much, throw chocolate at me and tell me to get lost for a couple of days.  Seriously.


10) Say "Yes" & Say "No".
  - Say "Yes" to doing more things with friends.  Make time for coffee.  Have an impromptu girls day with your bestie or with Em.  Goat Yoga.  Barre class with Holly.  Pole with Steph.  Less excuses.  Make time.
  - Say "No" to cleaning up messes that you didn't make, to mom, to those last minute gigs that come up for the days you already blocked off for personal down time. 


11) Focus on just being happy. 
Pray more.  Worry less.
Choose my battles.  Argue and fight way, WAY less.
Be kinder than necessary.
Look for something good in everyone.
Give compliments freely.
Less "Dumpy Donuts" and don't be a "Debbie Downer".
Be a positive infectious force.
Kick butt, take names.

Lost

There's been an inner struggle happening lately.

I knew it was only a matter of time before it presented itself.  - After all, this isn't my first go-round raising a baby.

It's no big secret that I was super indecisive about choosing to have another child.

I went back and forth.  - Yes, then no; then no, then yes again.  

I guess I was a realist of some sort.  I knew how hard it is to be a full-time parent to a helpless baby.  I was painfully aware of all the obstacles that come along with having a new baby: sleep-deprivation, ZERO time for yourself and very little energy for / time with your spouse.  I never forgot about those things like I've heard other parents say.

The struggle was real.

I am super career-driven.  I work all the time and LOVE what I do.  My career has only managed to get more and more busy with each passing year and I feel super grateful and blessed for that considering there are makeup artists everywhere in Nashville now.

In addition to being a workaholic, I'm also admittedly pretty selfish of my personal down time.

I knew having another baby would make me rethink my priorities in both respects and I happily chose to do it.

With Emily's dad and I sharing custody, I was able to have a "break" from parenting a couple days a week and every other weekend - granted, that didn't start till she was almost a year old.  It wasn't easy to be away from her at first, but as she got older, it was nice to just have a day or evening - or sometimes both - all to myself.

Ultimately, those kid-free days allowed me to make friends, have somewhat of a social life and work at making my business successful.

Xander is 7 months now.  

I wanted to enjoy this year of being a mom again.  I had very strong feelings about being a part-time stay-at-home mom and not putting him in daycare.  I didn't have a choice with Emily and once she started daycare she was sick all the time.  I wanted different for Xander.

I knew going into this that we wouldn't have reliable help with childcare during the week from family and I'm super thankful my career allows me so much flexibility and the CHOICE to stay home with my son.  I'm also thankful my husband has loads of flexibility in his work too.  I believe if those last 2 statements weren't true, we wouldn't have chose to try for another baby.

But despite my flexible work schedule, it seems that most days I just end up feeling super lonely and starved for adult conversation and interaction and ultimately longing to be working.

In the last few months especially, I've realized that I have spent the last 7 years of my life hyper-focused on my career.  I chose work instead of devoting time and energy into cultivating lasting friendships.

Now I only have a handful of close friends - none of which have small children, if any children at all.  - And the few friends who do have babies, all live 45 minutes away.  - Furthermore, the few friends who live close to me all work day jobs during the week and are off on weekends.  I'm off during the week and work most weekends -- especially during wedding season.

I have even tried to reach out of my "comfort zone" and join a couple of local mom groups in the hopes to make some new mommy friends and participate in some play dates... BUT...

1) I just don't feel like I fit the "cookie-cutter" mold for moms in these particular groups. (It's probably all in my head, but I've never felt like I blossomed into motherhood like most women do.)

2) All the play dates / meetups are at 9 in the freaking morning!?!  - My son is a night owl who doesn't go to bed till after midnight and then likes to nurse alllll night long, so we sleep in.  - Surely I'm not the only mom in Nashville whose baby does this, am I?  - And if I am, that just further supports point #1.

- So now let's talk about personal time and time with my husband.  

Xander is SEVEN months... I mentioned that already, right? 

In 7 months, the Husband and I have had ONE date night.  - And that only happened because Dianne and Heather are awesome and so graciously offered to come to our house to babysit our kids just so we could go do something.

We went to dinner.  Mexican.  I was able to order whatever I wanted to eat and utilize BOTH of my hands while eating it!  So I ordered FAJITAS.  - Then we went to Starbucks and Books-A-Million. Nothing extravagant or special.  Just a nice kid-free night out.  We were home before 10pm.

When you have a child that co-sleeps AND wants to nurse constantly into the wee hours of the morn, you can pretty much toss intimacy out the window.  My body no longer feels like my own to share with my husband...  Most days it feels more like a life support machine or a cow on a high producing dairy farm.  It's not that the desire isn't there to be close to my husband, but considering the lack of sleep / energy paired with being completely "touched-out" from having a baby attached (literally) to me all day, then throw some leaky boobs, spit-up, baby pee &/or poop in the mix, and there you have it.  Every reason (or excuse) in the book to not want to be intimate with your spouse all rolled into one: I just don't ever FEEL sexy anymore.

- And while we're on the subject of being "touched-out" - let's talk about alone time.  

I've had ONE pedicure - mid-May, I think - since before Xander was born.  Keep in mind he was born in December, so my last pedicure was probably towards the end of Summer or beginning of Fall.

I lucked out and was able to score a $10 massage because my BF had extra massages on her membership that needed to be used by a certain date.  So this past Sunday, we went.

It's the first thing I've done for myself that I scheduled on a day where I was off from work all day.  

- Usually, I schedule my hair appointments (cuts only) - or the one pedicure I had - for days where I'm already going to be out of the house for work, so tacking an extra hour on to my time away from home really isn't that big of a deal.  

So yeah, I scheduled a massage with my best friend and left the kids with my husband for a couple of hours.  Guilt-free.

- Except it wasn't guilt-free.

It's NEVER guilt-free - but not because my husband makes me feel guilty, because he doesn't.

It's because I'm a mom.

- And spending "unnecessary" time (that's not work-related) away from my kids makes me feel like the worst mom EVER.  

- And spending money on myself for fancy extras like hair cuts, pedicures and massages takes away from the money I should be spending on taking care of my family.  

I know this is all in my head.  I know other moms feel this kind of guilt when clearly we shouldn't, but no one talks about it.  Why do we do this?

I'm not trying to complain.

I KNOW I am SUPER blessed with my sweet little family.

I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM thankful!  

Both my kids are GORGEOUS and HEALTY.

My husband loves me and is always happy to see me regardless of how I look, smell or act after a long day of solo parenting with a fussy baby and a sometimes overly sassy, smart-mouthed tween.  

But ultimately both my kids are extremely good kids.  - And Xander is a really GOOD baby.  He's amazing.  - And I'm so glad for that. 

But I guess even the easiest of babies aren't easy all of the time.  - Raising babies just isn't an easy thing to do.  - Especially if you have little help.

They don't say "It takes a village to raise a child" for nothing, and I believe that more now than I ever did before.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not-so-secretly jealous of all my friends who have their moms and sisters and friends around all of the time to help.  I wish I had that.  Every single day.  But I don't, and I know I won't.  

So I resign myself to accepting that it's just us.  - And we just have to do the best we can for each other.

My prayer is that God puts some awesome moms in my life that I can be "just me" around and if He wants to do me a real SOLID, He will help me find a church where I feel at home in. - Also praying for an abundance of patience for others FROM ME and FOR ME from others.  - And for peace, strength and courage to keep on keepin' on with a more positive attitude and with kindness in my head as well as my heart.  Amen.