A Prayer of My Heart

A man who will take me to church with him every week.

A man who prays for me and with me.

A man who is proud to claim me: in person, in public, on social media, in times of temptation.

A man who plans ahead and carves out time for the 2 of us to reconnect.

A man who loves my children as his own, sees the importance of weekly family nights spent together and makes adjustments to schedules to make it happen - without fail.

A man who will cook with me, and dance with me in the kitchen.

A man who will fight for me, and with me - in a healthy, loving way - and not allow us to go to bed angry. 

A man who will be a partner, a confidant, a best friend.  My safe place.  My person.

2019

First and foremost, I'm just so thankful to be alive. 

Last year wasn't as much of a doozie of a year for me as it was for some of my other friends, but it was definitely filled with many changes, trials and tribulations.

I didn't write many blogs last year...  mainly because I didn't have much down time, nor did I have the extra mental capacity to put my thoughts down into any kind of coherent form.  Seriously...  I'm amazed (and forever grateful) that my boyfriend hung in there by my side despite all of the crazy.  

***First Semester Back after 20+ Years**

So yeah, last year, I got the proverbial kick in the ass I needed to FINALLY pursue going back to college.  The company I had part-timed with for 10 years closed the store I was working at and didn't want to pay me what I'm worth to move to one of the other locations.

I didn't realize it then, but that whole transition effected me much deeper than I thought it did/could/would.  It was like I had been stabbed in the heart.  I had given so much of myself... my time, my talent, my energy - to this company, and after everything, they just didn't see the worth of keeping me on board.

The store closed in May...  I started school in August.  I went into the semester optimistic and despite all the challenges I encountered during those few months, I finished strong.

***My Personal Struggles with Depression***

In the middle of my semester, I had some personal struggles with depression, anxiety and stress. I restarted therapy and counseling.  At the recommendation of my therapist, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist just to be sure the combination of anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds I was currently getting from my general practitioner were the right combo for me.  I actually just had that first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  She's prescribed me a mood-stabilizing medication to take along with the anti-depressant/anxiety medication I'm already on.  So now we just have to wait and see how it works for me.

Therapy has helped a ton, especially since I've always been notorious for bottling everything up and speaking to no one about my problems.  - And in the midst of juggling classes, homework, raising Littles, and still trying to work on occasion, many of my friendships had fallen to the wayside due to lack of free time.

So while I was in the throes of scheduled chaos (aka Classes, Single Moming, Working), I started listening to several podcasts, as well as a couple of self-help books during my commute into and from school.  The act of honing in and focusing on real conversations about real life trials and victories definitely helped me so freaking much.  I also purchased a therapy light and that has had a noticeably positive effect on my emotional well-being.

Though I've been trying to better manage my personal struggles to the best of my ability, Emily just pointed out on Sunday that I have a bald spot on my scalp from stress-related hair loss.  So with that discovery, I've set into motion some plans to help me better manage my stress with the coming year.

***My Littles***

Emily and Xander both are doing great in school.  Emily will be 14 at the end of this month.  And Xander just celebrated his 5th birthday in December.  His speech has just taken off.  He's adjusted to the blended classroom setting at his current school and is doing very well.  We are currently working hard on toilet training - which has been a challenge.  But we're working on it and we're making progress so that's all I can ask for.

***My Intentions for 2019***

1. To be intentional about self-care.  

What this looks like to me:

- Exercising more frequently - not to be skinny - but just to be healthy.

- Opting to workout / be active when I'm feeling stressed or anxiety-ridden.

- Slowing down my "Yes" and actually saying "No" to situations that will cause more stress than enjoyment in my life - whether it be work, or play - and NOT feeling guilty or like I have to provide some long-winded explanation as to why.

- Finding a church home for myself and my kids.

- Scheduling and actually taking them - mental breaks - a weekend off, a massage, or spa day, budget-friendly mini-vacations.

2. To continue this journey of emotional healing.

- Continue to go to therapy.

- Continue to share my story.

- Continue to keep moving forward.

3. Apply and get accepted into a nursing program by Fall semester.

- Take my 3 classes Spring semester.  Finish with all A's & B's.

- Take A&P 2 Summer A, then Microbiology Summer B.

4. Get Xander fully toilet trained and ready for Kindergarten in the Fall.  

5. To lose some weight.

- Finding a meal prep plan & schedule that is easy to maintain when school and life get bananas.

- Get a grasp on my A1C levels, reverse this diabetes diagnosis, and get off of Metformin.

- Schedule workouts on the calendar and treat them with the same importance as I do client / work obligations.

6. To make more time for fun.

- With my kids.

- With my friends.

- With myself.

7. To pick my battles more carefully.  

- Alter my over-analyzing habits.

- Redirect my insecurities.

8. Be more positive.

- Surround myself with positive, energetic people.

- Be more intentional about what I put out into the universe.  

- If I wouldn't say it to a friend, then don't say it about myself.

Nobody Said it Was Easy.

I've been crying on and off for most of the past two days.

I can't really pinpoint why, but I just feel so fragile.

... so alone...

... so lost...

This was my first official week being off after the past crazy 6 weeks of hell at the market.

I slept a lot.  - And I mean A LOT.

I needed it.

.

I don't think anyone grows up thinking, "I'm going to get married, then divorced, then remarried, then divorced again, and buy my first home as a single mom of 2, and maybe, you know, decide to abandon my career of 11 years and go back to school to change careers - yet again - after my 39th birthday."

- But here I am.

Things are moving along though.

I've started the process of getting things set to go back to school in the Fall.  I'm finally going to pursue nursing. 

I've been doing makeup and hair professionally for 11 years now...  and I've seen this industry become so saturated as of late.  I'm tired of hustling so hard and seeing other newbie artists getting amazing gigs just because of who they know.

It's sad... and sobering... and has made me reevaluate my skill set and talent from every single angle - and even second guess myself... making me doubt myself, and question if I'm even good enough to be doing makeup anymore.

It's a real crummy feeling.

But I've made peace with the fact that my dream of going on the road with an artist just isn't going to happen right now...  and even if it did, I don't have the support system around me and the kids any longer to allow me to go.

So that being said, I've got my kids to raise and ultimately just want to be able to afford them a comfortable life.

- And lately, it's been a struggle to do just that.
 
My house has a long list of things that need work on or repairs or remodeling...  and I have zero ideas on where to start or how to begin.

I don't have a dad...  or a brother... or handy DIY-savvy friends to help me tackle projects.

I can't even get one of my ex-husband's to come help me move a freaking table from work... even after offering to pay them for their time AND fill up their gas tank in their trucks.

I purchased a new sofa and loveseat set last week and I've had to enlist the help of my freaking lawn guy just to arrange getting it to the house sometime this upcoming week.

So yeah, these past couple of weeks have been eye opening in a lot of different ways.

.

Making a house into a livable, stable home wasn't meant to be a one person job.

Raising little humans wasn't meant to be a one person job either.  - And having a child with speech delays makes it even more challenging and exhausting at times.

It really does take a village.

...and trust...

...and reliability...

- But that last one seems to be the big kicker.

I don't know why it still surprises me...  because it really was never there to begin with.
- Facebook "On this Day" is a constant reminder of that.

This speech program Xander's been in for the past month is doing amazing things for him.  I see it - and hear it - every single day I get to spend with Xander.  - You'd think getting him there every. single. day. would be a no-brainer, right? 

- But again, why am I surprised?

.

I keep looking for change.

I keep expecting change.

- And I think that's where my problem lies...

"The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything for anyone."

Expectations lead to disappointment.

Disappointment robs my life of joy.

.

If I accept that I don't have a village...

If I accept that I no longer have anyone to have expectations of...

If I accept that it's just me...

- then there won't be anyone else that's able to let me down... except for me.

.

I'm on my own.

I'm making the necessary changes in my life to better my situation long term for me and my kids.

It's not going to be easy.

But I'm feeling somewhat ready to accept the changes and embrace the process with God's help.
<3 br="">

2018

#GoalDigger

No resolutions.  No specific order.

Just a list of things I'd like to embrace, accomplish, and achieve throughout this year.

I've been thinking on this post for several days now.

Posting it here for transparency and accountability's sake.


1) Practice - and make a habit of - loving myself first - where ever I am, just as I am.
  - Physically:  It's so easy to pick my appearance completely apart at any given moment.  - Whether it be those ever-present forehead wrinkles, that extra chin flab, the way my jeans squeeze my love handles up and out, how the back of my arms jiggle when I'm teasing a client's hair.

- It's all a work in progress though.  So as long as I'm making an effort to work on the things I am able to change about my body, I am trying to reprogram my thought patterns to be kinder to myself and to just keep moving forward without releasing those negatively-charged thoughts into my universe.

  - Mentally & Emotionally: I'm a person who struggles with depression and anxiety.  I have major insecurities, hang-ups, and quirks that make it hard for me to open up to people outside of my friend circle.  I'm extremely emotional.  I cry all the time... when I'm sad, frustrated, exhausted, happy, excited, proud, touched.

  For several years leading up to the separation, I made myself numb.  I stopped fighting.  I stopped crying.  I stopped caring...  all because I either wasn't being heard, or I was made to feel silly for being upset over whatever it was I was upset over.

  I don't want to lose that part of myself again.  I feel better when I'm able to cry freely without being judged or told to "suck it up" or to "be a big girl" about it.  - So this year is the year, I want to own feeling what I feel when I feel it... not to numb it, or dumb it down, or self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or meaningless relationships.  I want to feel it all and not be ashamed of being overly-emotional.  I want to be proud of myself for allowing myself to feel without worrying how others perceive me or about whether or not they approve of my crazy-emotional-self.  This past year and a half has been tremendously cathartic in the sense that I've cried more than I have in the 5 years prior.  I've allowed myself to feel and be felt and be heard again.  I'm well on my way to figuring out who and what I'm supposed to be now as a single mother of 2...  not a married mother of 2 kids, a nephew and a man-child of a husband.  (No offense to my ex if he's reading this...  these were MY feelings towards the end of our marriage, not facts.)


2) Prioritize self-care - for me and me alone.
  - This means not talking myself out of those unnecessary massage appointments, or much-needed manicures / pedicures, or pushing those cut & color hair appointments to every 6 months instead of every 6-8 weeks.

  - I was discussing motherhood and all the transitions moms go through with a new mom the other day.  It made me realize that most new moms - and moms who have another baby - all go through a period of time after having said baby where they feel frumpy or just don't really care about their appearance.  Sleep takes precedence. But most of them bounce back to being their version of "normal" sometime within that first year post-baby-birthing.

   After Xander, I definitely felt like a frumpy ass mom.  I nursed for 16 months.  Nursing attire isn't exactly the most flattering.  Feeling like a literal cow being milked every few hours.  Not having your body - or your boobs - to yourself.  The only touching of your breasts were by your baby or the breast pump.  My breasts had become purely functional.

   But even after I stopped nursing, I still didn't bounce back.  I never did anything to my hair.  It was always up in a ponytail or a bun.   I only did my makeup when I was going to work...  and even then it was super minimal and very toned down.  Sleep was still taking precedence.  - And I felt selfish asking for time to myself so I could get ready for work without my baby being attached to me.

   I struggled with aging gracefully.  I obsessed over looking age appropriate.  I worried if I wore too much makeup when I was out with my kids that I would be viewed negatively by other moms.  I convinced myself I was too old to do a smoky dramatic eye look on myself.  - That I had too many wrinkles to wear highlighter.  - That I was too old to wear a dark lip color.

   I think I started trying to force myself out of that frumpy-dumpy period in 2016.  I had a real hair appointment with a new hair stylist at a new salon on my 37th birthday.  I spent about 4 hours at the salon that day.  Spending more than an hour doing something for myself - without my kids - was not something I did...  EVER.  I told my hair stylist that I needed something very low maintenance and that I could only commit to touchup appointments every 8 weeks or so.

 
  In the fall of the prior year, I had picked up running again but with the hotter temperatures and the humidity, my runs were getting more and more sporadic.  So I joined the local gym a couple of months after my birthday and started going to the gym in the mornings after I'd drop Em off at school.  I didn't feel guilty for taking an hour for myself because most mornings Xander and his dad both would still be asleep while I was gone.

 
  - I got gift certificates for mani/pedis and massages from the kids and my ex pretty regularly.  I think after Mother's Day, I started making regular bi-weekly appointments for those services as well.

  - Anyway, I say all that because I'm now approaching my 39th birthday, Xander just turned 4, and I feel that I've only recently - within the last year - have really bounced back and found myself again after being stuck in that "Frumpy Dumpy Mom" stage.

  Most days now, I do take the time to wand or wave my hair with a flat iron, granted I don't wash my hair everyday anymore so once I style it, the next day's hair is minimal work.

  I have started being comfortable wearing more makeup again.  I don't shy away from doing a dramatic smoky eye look on myself anymore.  I've purchased non-conventional eyeliner colors that I wear on a regular basis.  I have comfortably worn a dark, bold lip to work and then to the grocery store with my kids and not felt embarrassed or self-conscious about it.

  Self-care isn't something to be ashamed or embarrassed of.  I feel better when I take the time to do the things that make me look and feel better.  Whether it be a long bath, a hair appointment to color and hide all the grays that are showing, or just throwing on a little winged eyeliner and a red lip... I can take better care of those I love when I feel better about myself.


3) To be able to fit into my skinny jeans.
  - This has been on my New Years list for several years now.  Every year I haven't made it happen.  This year is going to be the year.  I've set some hefty fitness goals for myself.  Prioritize workouts. Meal plan.  No excuses.


4) Make a solid decision about furthering my education... or not.
  - To commit to going back to school or not.  I feel like every year I toss the idea around and then completely abandon it.  I've been praying for some direction and answers lately and have even looked into some programs.
  It really just boils down to whether or not I feel like I'm using my God-Given talents to their full potential right now.  Is makeup what I'm called to do or is this just an avenue to get me to the next thing?  Ideally, I'm praying to have made a decision / commitment by Fall of this year.


5) Volunteer more.
  - I want to get plugged in somewhere and start giving back to the community...  I do a lot for dogs, but I want to do more for PEOPLE.  Specifically women and teens.  Reaching out to Thistle Farms this week.  Would appreciate any feedback or advice on organizations that might be good for me to look into.


6) Find a church to call home.
 - I've been visiting, but haven't committed to any one church as of yet.


7) Take some classes - just for fun.
  - An art class, a sewing class, a cooking class, a dance class, a DIY class.


8) Home Improvements / DIYing
 - Firstly, I need to paint the walls of this house.  I have all the paint, just ZERO motivation to do it by myself.  I'm going to schedule a paint party and all my friends better come.  Ha!
 - I also want to start tackling all those little things on the home inspection that need to be addressed.  I've always been apprehensive about doing things like that on my own, but I need to get over my fears and just start somewhere.  So, many trips to Home Depot are in my near future.
 - Lastly, I'd like to finally be able to afford putting a fence in.  So I can save more dogs, of course.  Ha!


9) Schedule more time off, mental breaks and mini vacations.
  - We all know I'm a workaholic.  If I'm not working, it's only because I have the kids at home with me.  Mental breaks and mini vacations have never been a priority for me.  This is the year that's going to change.  Hold me accountable.  If I start complaining about working too much, throw chocolate at me and tell me to get lost for a couple of days.  Seriously.


10) Say "Yes" & Say "No".
  - Say "Yes" to doing more things with friends.  Make time for coffee.  Have an impromptu girls day with your bestie or with Em.  Goat Yoga.  Barre class with Holly.  Pole with Steph.  Less excuses.  Make time.
  - Say "No" to cleaning up messes that you didn't make, to mom, to those last minute gigs that come up for the days you already blocked off for personal down time. 


11) Focus on just being happy. 
Pray more.  Worry less.
Choose my battles.  Argue and fight way, WAY less.
Be kinder than necessary.
Look for something good in everyone.
Give compliments freely.
Less "Dumpy Donuts" and don't be a "Debbie Downer".
Be a positive infectious force.
Kick butt, take names.

Issues

Maintaining relationships - even friendships - take a fair amount of work.

Whether it be calling, texting, writing emails or even letters -- all of those things typically happen on a semi-regular basis in order for the people involved in those "relationships" to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been a craptastic friend at times.  But to the few true friends that I have now - presently - I've tried my hardest to maintain those connections and friendships.

- And for the most part, those efforts put in by me have been matched - if not completely exceeded - by the other party.

Don't get me wrong, there are those few special friendships where you can go ridiculously long amounts of time without talking or seeing each other, and then just pick up right where you left off.  I have maybe 2 or 3 long-time friendships like that.

But that's not what this particular entry is about, per se...

It's more about marriage, divorce, and dating... the wretched transition to one or the other.

I was filling out employment paperwork the other day for another job I'm picking up for the holidays.  The standard stuff.  Name, address, social security, blah-blah-blah.

Then they ask who your emergency contact is...

If that question doesn't instill immediate panic into your heart, I'm assuming you're happily married or have supportive, reliable family near by.

Before 8 years ago, I believe my former mother-in-law was listed as mine. -  Or my first former husband - because we shared custody of a child together.

- Eventually, I began putting several names and numbers of people I felt would come to my aid should an emergency arise:  Dianne, Heather, Larry, Karla, Jen.

But I digress...  the form asked for a current emergency contact.

I didn't instinctively list one.

I went through my mental list - person by person.

I fought with myself as to why I chose the person I chose.  - That person being Xander's dad.

It wasn't so much the act of still selecting him as my "Person" - but the part that came after.

They asked what their relation to you is.

As I thought to myself, I selected the drop down box to see what my options were.  - And I'll be darned if  "Ex-Spouse" wasn't one of the options to select.

I don't know why, but that has been sitting so heavily with me as of late.

I remember when I was still married and fighting to make it work.  I would hear all the stories from my younger coworkers about dating and things like that.  My response would always be, "Man, I'm so glad I'm married and don't have to deal with that garbage."

But now, here I am...  just another scared, little girl with major abandonment issues, severe daddy issues, and an exuberant amount of emotional baggage looking for some glimmer of hope that my "person" is really out there.  - That one person who understands your issues, can identify with them, and be sensitive to them without being a complete douche-canoe.

Life is a constant transformation.  I can't get over how much I've done and accomplished in just one year's time.  But even despite those triumphant victories, I'm still very much a hot mess of a girl just trying to survive for herself and for her 2 kids.

Divorce sucks.  - But even in the constant state of worry, panic and anxiousness I'm in on a daily basis, trying to do all of this on my own, I know I'd rather be mildly stressed out and unhappy completely by myself than unhappy in a mediocre marriage or relationship that doesn't fit where my life and goals are heading.

The truth is out there.  I believe.

- But until that truth presents itself to me, I'll just be over here drinking bottles of wine and spilling my feelings out via my personal blog -  all by myself while the kids are in bed and the dogs are sprawled out and snoring beside me.

Still Breathing

I'm alive.

And that says something.

Something HUGE.

It means I survived one of the hardest, most difficult years of my life.

Today will be my first Thanksgiving in 8 years without my former husband or his family.  He'll be picking Xander up around 1pm today.

It wasn't my job to make the turkey this year.

I have to make one casserole to take for a Thanksgiving dinner later this afternoon.

- Then I have to head to the mall to work.

I've split holidays with Emily's father for as long as I can remember, but this time around with Xander, it just feels different.

I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it's going to fail.

- But looking back on things and reflecting, I saw issues that started within a few months after we married.  - Issues I tried to overlook and make work, knowing deep down that those qualities and characteristics weren't going to fly long-term with me.

All in all, I didn't want this for my life.

But the truth is, I didn't want that for my life either.  "That" being: A mediocre, unfulfilling marriage where I felt unappreciated, unheard and unloved much of the time.

I've spent much of the past year dissecting and analyzing myself.

I think I've finally made peace - only fairly recently - with the fact that my marriage failed.  Even though I'm the one that chose to leave, I still struggled everyday with that decision.

Much of this past year has been spent in survival mode.  I threw myself into my kids and work.  Not taking any time for myself.  I just wanted to be okay not only for my kids but for me, too.

So even though today is a bit of an adjustment for me, and I am feeling dumpy about not being able to be with my kids and my former family of in-laws whom I miss and still love dearly, I'm thankful for today.

I'm thankful for my other family of former in-laws who are still very much family to me.

I'm thankful for these early morning hours that I'm able to just snuggle and cuddle with Xander while his sister is still asleep before he leaves this afternoon. 

I'm thankful for God's timing.  - Everything panned out as well as it could considering all the crappy circumstances surrounding the sale and purchase of this house that is now our home.

I'm thankful for my girlfriends.

I'm also thankful for my Girl Tribe of fellow Boss Babes who have all been where I'm at or are going through something similar right now.

I'm thankful for my job(s)...  Even though it's going to suck having to work tonight and early tomorrow morning, I'm super thankful for the girls I have at The Market and that I'm able to keep my mind occupied by working, instead of hiding in the confines of my home, alone, drinking wine and watching uber-depressing movies, and ugly crying without shame or judgement.

I'm just thankful for so many things.

It's hard to be sad when you've been blessed in so many other ways.

Today won't be easy, but it will be okay.

No More I Love Yous

November 1st marked the one year anniversary of leaving.

So much has happened.

So much has changed.

So much of myself is being rewired, reprogrammed, and rewritten.

I closed on Karla's house the last week of July.  I'm now officially a homeowner.

I've thrown myself back into my workaholic ways.  I started back at the Market in August after a 6 month hiatus.  I've stopped scheduling days off.  I work to keep my mind focused and to keep myself out of trouble.

Emily switched schools this year and is adjusting to being a 7th grader at a normal public school pretty well.  I think she's happier.  Her father and I are too.

Xander started speech therapy in a group setting with 3 other kids in August.  He goes for an hour and a half every Tuesday and Thursday.  This has helped tremendously in easing my worries over my non-verbal child.  He's smart as a whip, and is definitely understanding everything we say to him. He knows his body parts, letters - upper & lower case, can identify colors, animals and the sounds they make.  All age appropriate milestones.  He just won't physically open his mouth to say words.

My daughter is almost 13...  the dreaded "Teen" stage...  She's been going through, what I like to call the "Turdy Tween" stage for a couple of years now.  - Mild attitude.  - Some arguing and talking back.  - Stomping off to her bedroom and slamming doors in my face.  - But overall, she's always been - and still is - a very good kid.

This transition has been hard on me.  More so than I've let on.

She used to look at me like I was a total ROCKSTAR.

THE coolest Mom on the planet.

- Now she's embarrassed to be seen with me.  She pulls away when I try to love on her or even when I just want to touch her arm or pet her back.  She never tells me she loves me anymore unless I tell her first.  She doesn't need me to tuck her in at night anymore.  She doesn't need me to fix her hair or kiss her boo-boos away anymore.  It completely sucks. Seriously THE worst.

I jokingly said a few years ago, right after Xander was born, that it was perfect timing.  Xander would be super sweet, cuddly, affectionate, and tell me all the wonderful things Emily used to say to me by the time she hit the "Turdy Tween" stage.  She was almost 9 years old when Xander was born.

Xander will be 4 in December.  The only words I've actually heard him say with his mouth open and enunciating is "Clock", "Pop", "Cheese" and "Taki" - yes, as in Taki's - those awful, spicy chip-rod-things all the kids are obsessed with these days.

I have yet to hear him say "Mommy".

I've never heard him say, "Mommy, I love you so much."

- Or "Mommy, you're so beautiful."

- Or "Thank you, Mommy."

He's affectionate, but he's also a high-energy 3 year old toddler boy who thinks his mom is his personal jungle gym.  So I get climbed on, jumped on and launched off of more than I'm getting snuggles and cuddles these days.

It's hard.

Most days, I'm okay.

Some days I am not.

- Then mix a freaking divorce on top of all of that...

Deep Breaths.