Perspective

There are two sides to every story...  and my side has been fairly quiet in comparison to the other.

I left the home I shared with my husband in early November.  I didn't take everything I had...  I left several of my belongings and my dogs in hopes that some time apart would clear my head and help me solidify my decisions to make the separation permanent or to want to try harder to save my marriage.

Only a handful of you know that I spent much of the last six years of my life doing just that...  trying to save my marriage.  I realized early on that there were issues that needed to be addressed and worked on together as a team...  as a partnership...  yet, those issues were never met with a sincere desire to fix anything.

In the past 3 years, I mentioned "divorce" to my husband on 3 different occasions...  all 3 times were about a year's time in between.  Each time, I had talked myself down from the cliff and just resided to try harder.

Last year, in August, I was starting to feel that urge to run again...  but instead of lashing out or trying to run, I pushed myself harder into my marriage.  I tried to spice things up in and out of the bedroom.  I asked my husband constantly what I could do better.  I pleaded to see a sex therapist and do some marriage counseling...  all my efforts were thwarted and our issues were downplayed into something smaller than they really were.

I think around November or December of last year was when I just quit fighting...  I didn't realize it at the time, I just quietly allowed myself to melt away into the background of our mundane life together.

I had resorted to Craigslist to entertain the idea of having an affair.  I made friends with a few random men for flirtatious banter and attention via text messages.  - But if it got to the point where there was an expectation of sex, I would shut that down immediately by blocking phone numbers and deleting email accounts.  I didn't want to be "that girl" who cheated on her husband.  I just wanted the attention and conversation I wasn't getting at home. 

Believe me, I realize how awful this sounds...  but in all fairness, and for the sake of being transparent, I wanted to share my shortcomings and failures as a wife as well.  I have shared all this information with my husband already, so he's not finding anything new out via my online blog.    

Anyhow...

I worked like crazy, then I'd come home, cook dinner, love on my kiddos and dogs and then spend the rest of the evening in a separate room of the house from my husband.

This had become our normal day to day routine.  Some days he'd even leave right when I'd walk in the door or vice versa.

I'd leave for out of town work for several days -- we would barely speak on the phone during my time away.  I'd come home and most times he wouldn't even get off the couch to come greet me after my return.

My husband had become my roommate and live-in babysitter...  except he wouldn't cook or plan dinners... that was always my responsibility.  In the 6 years we were married, I can probably count on both hands how many times he actually cooked dinner.  Even on the days where I worked 15+ hours...  I'd come home exhausted and the first words out of his mouth would be "What do YOU want to do for dinner?"  This became a very big point of contention in our relationship.

- But alas, I digress...

We had become roommates.

He made no effort to date me or spend time with me.  The only time he'd ask his parents to watch Xander was when I was out of town so he could go do things.  - Which is funny now, because in the last 2 months, Xander has spent more time with my in-laws than he has his ENTIRE life.


- But, again, I digress...

This August, I got tired of waiting around for my husband to want to hang out with me, so I started doing things that I liked doing.  I started going to get massages.  I started going to the gym and working out.  I started getting regular manis and pedis.  I figured if he didn't want to spend time with me, I'd fill my time with things I wanted to do and spend my limited free time with friends that did want to spend time with me.

I think the real wake up call for me came when a long-time friend visited in September.  This friend has known me for over 20 years.  - After a day or two of being at my house he said, "Your husband doesn't hang out with you."  It was almost more of a question than a statement.   -- And my immediate rebuttal was, "Yeah, I know, but it works for us."

Wait...  What?

Let that sink in a minute...

When did I become THAT girl?

I've always been one to be super affectionate and cuddly.  I've always been one who needed lots of attention and reciprocated that back to my partners.  I've always been one to talk and share my deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams and aspirations with the person I chose to share my life with.

- But I haven't been that girl with my husband. - Like, not at all.  - Why not?

That changed everything for me.

Over the next month, I mentioned that to my husband.  I told him on several occasions that I felt like we never spent any time together, that he didn't like to do anything I liked to do, that he didn't talk to me like he talked to other people.  I suggested things to do with my husband.  Activities we could do together.  Asked if he needed time to go out with his friends. - And even the day before I left to go out of town for a week for my nephew's graduation from basic training, I mentioned again the need to go to marriage counseling and my request was met with a simple "What for?"

So I left town for a week...  and found the only reason I wanted to come home was to see my kids and my dogs.  I didn't miss my husband at all. 

The very next day was when all of this officially started.  - 2 weeks later, I moved out.  - And now we're here.

I think we're both at the point now where we're done.

There's no hope for us getting back together.

Too many proverbial plates have been shattered.

Too many "I'm sorry, I should have / could have handled that better"s have been tossed about.

 It is done.

He's spending time with his friends again.  He's writing music again.  He's working out everyday again.  He's doing all the things I encouraged him to do while we were married...  it only took me leaving and tearing my family apart to make him a better man.

I tried.  God knows I tried.  I tried until I was completely depleted, desolate and numb.

When I was done, he finally decided he was ready to try.  - Too little too late, I suppose.

When my actions weren't what he wanted or expected in response to his recent "changes" he was making "for me" - he'd act erratically by hacking into my personal email accounts, reading messages and conjuring up "proof" of what he wanted or needed to hear from those messages and then shared it with MY friends to make me out to be the villain that he needed me to be.  I guess it's easier to believe I left him for some reason other than his shortcomings as a husband.  He unleashed unkind and hurtful words.  He did blatantly disrespectful things like inviting an ex-girlfriend who had been a point of contention early on in our relationship to my son's birthday party.

All these things he did and then just nonchalantly apologized for later.

So I call "Bullshit"... 

You can throw a plate against the wall and watch it shatter.  You can then apologize to the plate but that doesn't fix it.  It's still shattered.

That's how I currently feel in regards to my marriage.

It's shattered.

I left for me.  I left for my happiness.  I left for my kids' happiness.

I left because my children deserve to see what real love looks like - what a true partnership is supposed to look like - for them to not just accept that a marriage of convenience is normal.

I left for all the right reasons.  I didn't leave for or because of anyone else.

- Ironically, I left to achieve happiness, but I haven't felt this much sadness in a very long time.

Even though it was ultimately my choice to leave, it doesn't mean that I don't hurt.

It doesn't mean that I don't spend every night crying myself to sleep.

It doesn't mean that I don't mourn the loss of the years I spent in this relationship.

It doesn't mean that I don't pray every night for direction, answers, change, and peace.

It doesn't mean I'm exempt from experiencing the five stages of the grieving process:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression

And finally, 5) Acceptance...

My marriage is over.

I will be stronger on the other side of this.

My kids will respect me more for fighting for my happiness.

I wasn't ever just given anything, I've worked extremely hard for everything I've had in my life.

I will not settle for a love that's less than I deserve and be complacent just because it's the easier road.

I will find my equal.  I will find my match.  I will find my steadfast partner.  I will find my happy place.

It's just going to take some time for everything to fall into it's place.

- But until then... I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

Cold Hearted

So I'm sure some of you may have noticed that I've been cryptic and oh-so emo with my social media posts lately.  I've been flying under the radar a lot these days.

I've told a handful of friends and family that I felt needed to know what was happening right now...  As for the rest of you, I've deflected the questions and ignored numerous calls and texts.


The Husband and I have agreed to separate for the time being.

I have officially moved out of our home and am temporarily shacking up with my best friend until I can figure out how I want to proceed.

This wasn't an easy decision...  for any of us.

Even though it was ultimately my decision to leave, that doesn't mean it's been all fun, puppy kisses and unicorn farts.  It's been a hard, hard thing to stomach.

The "why" of it is complicated to say the very least...  and you'd probably only understand my reasoning if you were extremely close to me, or spent a substantial amount of time at our house with us.  I've never been one to openly share private details of my relationship struggles with people I wasn't extremely close to.

- That being said, I'm not going to air out all of our issues.

But here's what I feel you all do need to know:

- My kids are both doing well and adjusting.

- The Husband and I are very dedicated to our kids and have been able to remain very amicable, patient and understanding of one another.

- We had issues from the beginning.  I spent much of the last 5 years trying to be very communicative about my feelings on those issues and  tried to offer up many viable solutions.  I have a lot of peace right now knowing that no one (the Husband included) can say that I didn't try.

- I'm not ready to talk about it.  I'm still figuring this whole thing out right now.  There are so many bits and pieces and I'm just trying to find that one crucial piece that will help the whole picture come back into focus.

- I appreciate every call, email, text and prayer from those that have reached out to me privately.  Please continue to pray for me and my family as we search for the right answers. Thank you. 

Love Yourself

Confession: I struggle with self love EVERY SINGLE DAY.  

I'm 37.  Most times, I'm the oldest of the girls I work with. 

All of my colleagues are trendy, beautiful, vibrant and young looking -- and seem to have a matching girl squad of besties who always make time to hang and have fun.

I have too many gray hairs.  I now have to color my hair every 8 weeks.

I am not tee-tiny - I have never been small or uber-skinny.  But, I'm the heaviest I've ever been right now.  I hate getting dressed.  I loathe looking at myself in a full length mirror.

My arms are flabby and make me very self conscious because they jiggle when I have to tease clients' hair.

I have always been busty and have never been able to go braless.  The majority of my wardrobe consists of flowy black tops. 

I have age spots, droopy eyelids and forehead wrinkles and more chins than a Chinese phone book now.

I share all of this because I know many beautiful women struggle with the same self-love issues.

I was venting to my husband the other day about my frustrations and he said to me, "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

Just for one day, I wish I were able to see myself through everyone else's eyes.  I bet if all of us women could see just how our peers see us, we'd all have a good laugh over how much time we spent worrying about our appearances.

I decided this weekend to sign up for a gym membership.  I'm tired of not liking what I see in the mirror.  

I want to get healthy... Not for anyone else... Just for myself.  

I want to look better.  I want to feel better.  I don't want to be skinny... I just want to be healthy and fit.  I want to be strong and have some muscles.

I want to be a good example to my kids.  I want to like myself and be proud of the changes that will happen to my body over the next few weeks, months, and years. Changes that I earned. 

I'm finally ready.  Enough is enough.

Tomorrow marks the start of a new journey.  

New day.  

New goals.

Storms

Some days are easier than others.

•••

I'm a mom.  I run a household full-time - I clean, I cook, I handle the family budget and finances, I go to the grocery, I make sure the pets have food, water and keep up with when they need to go to the vet. I juggle co-parenting of one of my children with her father.  I juggle several schedules.  I try to accommodate sleepovers.  I volunteer to chaperone field trips.  

•••

I have voluntarily taken on the responsibility of caring for my 19 year old nephew who has lived with us for a year now.  In turn, this has opened my eyes to how everyone in my family has fallen short in regard to his life.  

I have 2 young children -- who have had pretty normal and stable lives.  I wasn't at all prepared to deal with all the issues that come with being a stand-in parent for a child who has had a harder life - emotionally and mentally - than most adults I know - at the mere age of 18.  

In taking him into our home, it's added to the stress I imagine most parents feel  - in the sense that they are influencing and shaping this human into the person they are going to be for the rest of their life. You hope and pray every single day that you're not messing them up any further.  You try to instill values and personality traits that will help them succeed in life.  You hope that your help will help them to forge a new path that's completely different from the one he's lived for the past 18 years.

With him has come the job of having to act as liaison between him and my mother.  As strained as my relationship with my mother has been, having to turn to her for advice when dealing with my nephew hasn't been a cake walk to say the least.  It's been bittersweet - especially if she feels my parenting style is lacking and isn't "right" per her standards.  

The word "struggle" doesn't even begin to describe the daily internal fight I have with myself.  

•••

I run a business that I started 9 years ago - completely on my own.  I maintain professional relationships.  I try to encourage and positively impact every client of mine.  I try to mentor and help every colleague or coworker to succeed.  I tell everyone to not give up and to never stop chasing their dreams.

•••

I try to maintain and invest in the personal relationships I have.  I pray for my family and friends everyday.  I help plan parties, run errands, move furniture, send care packages and randomly call or text message to let people know I'm here and thinking of them as often as I can.

•••

I say all this not to toot my own horn.

More often than not, I fall short.

I don't handle situations as best as I can.  

My feelings get hurt.  

I get overwhelmed.  

I spread myself too thin and then snap when the load gets too heavy.  

I have days where I feel it's me against the world - where I've tried my hardest to make everyone else happy - and in turn have made myself so, so sad.  

I struggle everyday to find balance. 

•••

The world has morphed into this ridiculously busy place where no one has time to spare.  

I miss the days when I had so many friends that wanted to spend time with each other that we'd have dinner and movie nights almost every other weekend and would always have a house FULL of people who came over just to eat and laugh together.

I miss the days when I tried to do something to make the people closest to me smile -- just because I wanted to hear them laugh.

I miss the days when I didn't beat myself up so much for not being perfect at everything I do or tried to do.

•••

Today wasn't the easiest of days.  I failed to handle my trials with grace.  I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed.

But I find peace in knowing that tomorrow is a new day and I get to start all over with a prayer and a happy song (probably one by Prince) in my heart. 💜

One Year

Well, Xander is a year old!  

I can't believe a whole year has gone by!

It was a good year, but it was definitely one of major adjustments and re-prioritizing.  

I remember talking to the lactation consultant at the hospital the day after Xander was born.  She asked me how long I planned to breastfeed.  I told her I was going to TRY to make it a year.  She was very happy by my answer and told me that was an excellent and very realistic goal.

And here we are!  - A year later.  - Still going strong -- even after the many, MANY times I cried (and screamed), "I want to quit!"

Breastfeeding is, by far, one of the most difficult, most challenging things I've ever done in my entire LIFE. 

I am so thankful I was able to master it this go around.  

I am proud of myself for sticking with it even when it was a HUGE inconvenience, especially considering all the out of town work I had over the course of this past year.

Pumping several times a day to keep your supply up, storing expressed milk in tiny hotel room freezers, making special trips to special grocery stores to buy dry ice so I could get all of my expressed milk home safely in a small cooler without it spoiling and going to waste -- Ugh!  What a royal pain in the butt!  - Just a small part of all the stuff no one tells you about nursing children!!

I can see why a lot of moms choose to nurse past the 1 year mark.  I understand it more now than I did ever before.  Even though I don't believe my personal choice will be to nurse much longer, I completely understand and support other moms in their wishes to continue on past a year.

As nursing moms, we've worked SO hard to master the art of nursing and just when it starts to get easy and has almost become second nature, it's time to wean your little boob monster.  It's really kind of sad.  

Anyhow, a year of literally sharing my body...  On top of the 9 months prior that the baby was IN my body.  That wasn't easy.

But I did it.  And I'm so grateful.  

Xander is such a blessing.  He is the sweetest little soul.

He is crawling, standing, cruising, climbing and taking wobbly little steps!  He says "Please" and knows how to sign the word for "Milk".  

He has 8 teeth.  Sucks his thumb.  Loves sweet potatoes, green beans and bananas.  

Smiles, laughs and gives sweet, slobbery kisses often.  

He is a total momma's boy, but has started to cry if dad leaves the room without cuddling him first. 

And he LOVES his big sister SOOOO much.  She's such a good Big Sis!

Lost

There's been an inner struggle happening lately.

I knew it was only a matter of time before it presented itself.  - After all, this isn't my first go-round raising a baby.

It's no big secret that I was super indecisive about choosing to have another child.

I went back and forth.  - Yes, then no; then no, then yes again.  

I guess I was a realist of some sort.  I knew how hard it is to be a full-time parent to a helpless baby.  I was painfully aware of all the obstacles that come along with having a new baby: sleep-deprivation, ZERO time for yourself and very little energy for / time with your spouse.  I never forgot about those things like I've heard other parents say.

The struggle was real.

I am super career-driven.  I work all the time and LOVE what I do.  My career has only managed to get more and more busy with each passing year and I feel super grateful and blessed for that considering there are makeup artists everywhere in Nashville now.

In addition to being a workaholic, I'm also admittedly pretty selfish of my personal down time.

I knew having another baby would make me rethink my priorities in both respects and I happily chose to do it.

With Emily's dad and I sharing custody, I was able to have a "break" from parenting a couple days a week and every other weekend - granted, that didn't start till she was almost a year old.  It wasn't easy to be away from her at first, but as she got older, it was nice to just have a day or evening - or sometimes both - all to myself.

Ultimately, those kid-free days allowed me to make friends, have somewhat of a social life and work at making my business successful.

Xander is 7 months now.  

I wanted to enjoy this year of being a mom again.  I had very strong feelings about being a part-time stay-at-home mom and not putting him in daycare.  I didn't have a choice with Emily and once she started daycare she was sick all the time.  I wanted different for Xander.

I knew going into this that we wouldn't have reliable help with childcare during the week from family and I'm super thankful my career allows me so much flexibility and the CHOICE to stay home with my son.  I'm also thankful my husband has loads of flexibility in his work too.  I believe if those last 2 statements weren't true, we wouldn't have chose to try for another baby.

But despite my flexible work schedule, it seems that most days I just end up feeling super lonely and starved for adult conversation and interaction and ultimately longing to be working.

In the last few months especially, I've realized that I have spent the last 7 years of my life hyper-focused on my career.  I chose work instead of devoting time and energy into cultivating lasting friendships.

Now I only have a handful of close friends - none of which have small children, if any children at all.  - And the few friends who do have babies, all live 45 minutes away.  - Furthermore, the few friends who live close to me all work day jobs during the week and are off on weekends.  I'm off during the week and work most weekends -- especially during wedding season.

I have even tried to reach out of my "comfort zone" and join a couple of local mom groups in the hopes to make some new mommy friends and participate in some play dates... BUT...

1) I just don't feel like I fit the "cookie-cutter" mold for moms in these particular groups. (It's probably all in my head, but I've never felt like I blossomed into motherhood like most women do.)

2) All the play dates / meetups are at 9 in the freaking morning!?!  - My son is a night owl who doesn't go to bed till after midnight and then likes to nurse alllll night long, so we sleep in.  - Surely I'm not the only mom in Nashville whose baby does this, am I?  - And if I am, that just further supports point #1.

- So now let's talk about personal time and time with my husband.  

Xander is SEVEN months... I mentioned that already, right? 

In 7 months, the Husband and I have had ONE date night.  - And that only happened because Dianne and Heather are awesome and so graciously offered to come to our house to babysit our kids just so we could go do something.

We went to dinner.  Mexican.  I was able to order whatever I wanted to eat and utilize BOTH of my hands while eating it!  So I ordered FAJITAS.  - Then we went to Starbucks and Books-A-Million. Nothing extravagant or special.  Just a nice kid-free night out.  We were home before 10pm.

When you have a child that co-sleeps AND wants to nurse constantly into the wee hours of the morn, you can pretty much toss intimacy out the window.  My body no longer feels like my own to share with my husband...  Most days it feels more like a life support machine or a cow on a high producing dairy farm.  It's not that the desire isn't there to be close to my husband, but considering the lack of sleep / energy paired with being completely "touched-out" from having a baby attached (literally) to me all day, then throw some leaky boobs, spit-up, baby pee &/or poop in the mix, and there you have it.  Every reason (or excuse) in the book to not want to be intimate with your spouse all rolled into one: I just don't ever FEEL sexy anymore.

- And while we're on the subject of being "touched-out" - let's talk about alone time.  

I've had ONE pedicure - mid-May, I think - since before Xander was born.  Keep in mind he was born in December, so my last pedicure was probably towards the end of Summer or beginning of Fall.

I lucked out and was able to score a $10 massage because my BF had extra massages on her membership that needed to be used by a certain date.  So this past Sunday, we went.

It's the first thing I've done for myself that I scheduled on a day where I was off from work all day.  

- Usually, I schedule my hair appointments (cuts only) - or the one pedicure I had - for days where I'm already going to be out of the house for work, so tacking an extra hour on to my time away from home really isn't that big of a deal.  

So yeah, I scheduled a massage with my best friend and left the kids with my husband for a couple of hours.  Guilt-free.

- Except it wasn't guilt-free.

It's NEVER guilt-free - but not because my husband makes me feel guilty, because he doesn't.

It's because I'm a mom.

- And spending "unnecessary" time (that's not work-related) away from my kids makes me feel like the worst mom EVER.  

- And spending money on myself for fancy extras like hair cuts, pedicures and massages takes away from the money I should be spending on taking care of my family.  

I know this is all in my head.  I know other moms feel this kind of guilt when clearly we shouldn't, but no one talks about it.  Why do we do this?

I'm not trying to complain.

I KNOW I am SUPER blessed with my sweet little family.

I have so much to be thankful for, and I AM thankful!  

Both my kids are GORGEOUS and HEALTY.

My husband loves me and is always happy to see me regardless of how I look, smell or act after a long day of solo parenting with a fussy baby and a sometimes overly sassy, smart-mouthed tween.  

But ultimately both my kids are extremely good kids.  - And Xander is a really GOOD baby.  He's amazing.  - And I'm so glad for that. 

But I guess even the easiest of babies aren't easy all of the time.  - Raising babies just isn't an easy thing to do.  - Especially if you have little help.

They don't say "It takes a village to raise a child" for nothing, and I believe that more now than I ever did before.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not-so-secretly jealous of all my friends who have their moms and sisters and friends around all of the time to help.  I wish I had that.  Every single day.  But I don't, and I know I won't.  

So I resign myself to accepting that it's just us.  - And we just have to do the best we can for each other.

My prayer is that God puts some awesome moms in my life that I can be "just me" around and if He wants to do me a real SOLID, He will help me find a church where I feel at home in. - Also praying for an abundance of patience for others FROM ME and FOR ME from others.  - And for peace, strength and courage to keep on keepin' on with a more positive attitude and with kindness in my head as well as my heart.  Amen.

Gratitude

There are literally YEARS of my life that I remember so little of...  And it's not that I really want to remember them -- after all, they were awful, to say the very least, and consequently, I wasn't too great of a human being back then either.

Whether all the craziness was from depression, alcohol or drugs -- or a nice combination of all three, I don't know for sure.  - But it still amazes me that I actually survived my early twenties.  

I know that I'm truly thankful for God's grace and forgiveness.  - For His divine calculation of bringing Emily into my life when He did.  - For His unconditional love.  - And for the never faltering love and support from my family and friends.  

- Without all of those things, I know I probably wouldn't even be ALIVE today.

I surely wouldn't be the person I am, nor would I have ever been able to LOVE myself for who I've become.  

- And for that I give thanks... Every single day.