Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"Somehow, I'm Leading Someone Else's Life."

I'm in a state of serious transition, and most of you know how being uprooted and completely out of my normal routines effect me. It's not pretty, to say the least.

Originally, Alan & I had planned to move into a place of our own, however, considering all the transitions taking place over the first part of this year, we decided that staying in his home and making the necessary renovations, then selling it in a year or so would be the wisest plan of action for us financially. After all, the number one strain on any marriage is finances so we decided that we'd be able to keep that to a minimum for a while by staying put.

So a couple of weekends ago, Alan, Emily and I went to Home Depot to price flooring, pick colors, and get some ideas for updating the house. We left with paint for the master bedroom and for Emily's bedroom. The first coat of pretty purple paint is up in Em's room and I can already envision how adorable her room will be once we finish sponging on the pink flowers, stars and hearts. - Definitely a room fit for the little princess she is.

This past Sunday, after about 5 different appointments within a week's time, I finally said "Yes" to a dress. - My dress. - My very first wedding dress ever.

As I handed my debit card over to the bridal consultant, it all began to feel very real. I. Am. Getting. Married. Again. - Whew. - Breathe, Sylvia, breathe.

Later that afternoon, Alan and I went to sign up for a gym membership "together". I even went as far as checking the box labeled "married" and hyphenating my last name on the membership application under the advice of the gym associate who was assisting us with our paperwork. - I'm not going to lie, it felt a little foreign.

I started moving some of my things for the kitchen over to the house on Monday. I made dinner for Em and placed my belongings into "our" tiny kitchen while Alan and his dad went back to Home Depot to get new wood slats for the floors in the master bedroom.

This is when I felt the first pangs of anxious energy stab at my chest.

As much as I hate to admit it, this all seems vaguely familiar. - The purple room, gradually moving my belongings into someone else's home, and then the all-too-familiar feeling of worry about completely taking over someone's bachelor pad.

I promised myself I would not do this again - not that I've made plans to live with a plethora of men in my lifetime or anything like that. But I had made all these goals for myself to get out of my current living situation all on my own. It was something I felt that I had to do all by myself. But here I am.

I know the situation at hand is completely different from the situation I found myself in two years ago, however, I can't help but worry. I suppose it's just something I'll have to work through on my own. It just surprises me that two years after the fact, it still has such a profound effect on my emotional well-being.

It's 73 days till our wedding day... I should be ecstatic, however, I'm finding myself in a very melancholy state.

- I don't get it. I've found the love of my life, yet I feel so completely alone???

I can only deduce that all this loneliness is manifesting itself from the following:

* In reality, given logistics and finances, most of my friends who I actually WANT to be at my wedding, won't be able to make it.

* My immediate family hasn't the slightest clue that I'm planning to get married. - Sadly, I know that they wouldn't show an ounce of support for my decision anyhow, whether it be emotionally or financially, even if they did know. - Ultimately, I am on my own.

* Being in the business, I've been to enough weddings to know that there's an unspoken dynamic to most weddings that I will never have.

My father is deceased, so he won't be there to walk me down the aisle nor will there be any Father/Daughter dances.

My mother ritualistically stops speaking to me for extended periods of time so she won't be there to help lace me into my dress or share any last minute marital words of wisdom before I walk down the aisle to marry my best friend.

- But don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my friends here in Nashville. I'm convinced that my best friend, Karla, and I were separated at birth. - And my ex-in-laws as well as my soon-to-be in-laws have been more of a family to my daughter and me than my own family. I guess it's just difficult to have always felt as if you never belonged in your own family, therefore you will always have trouble feeling like you belong anywhere else.

- That's where I am currently. A bit off, emotionally.

I miss my friends back home a whole lot right now, more so than usual. - Especially my lifelong, best-friend, Sandy. - Molly, Chad & Amy too. Distance, busy schedules and family obligations have made it entirely too difficult to stay as close as we would like.

Additionally, whether I like to admit it or not, I do miss my ridiculously dysfunctional family. Not a day goes by where I don't think of them and fervently wish things were different.

There's just something not right about having to plan such a monumentally joyous day without an out-pour of emotional support from the people you love the most...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

"So this is the new year..."

2010 in retrospect:

* I survived a surgery that completely changed my life for the better.

* I finally graduated from Aesthetics school.

* I experienced the busiest year of freelancing I have ever had.

* I met my soul mate.

* And after a lengthy succession of challenging years, 2010 was finally a year to be remembered by the amount of smiling I did rather than the amount of tears I cried.



Hello & Welcome, 2011!

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It's 26 days till my daughter's SIXTH birthday. It's hard to believe I've been a mom for SIX years. - Man, where does the time go?!?!

But as trying as my journey has been at times, especially doing it all as a single mom, I can honestly say I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have her in my life. She IS my saving grace and the whole reason why I continue to chase my dreams with such ferocity.

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It's 68 days till my 32nd birthday. I remember having so much anxiety about turning 30. - 31 wasn't bad at all. - And as I'm quickly approaching my 32nd year, I finally feel like my life is coming together how I always envisioned it to be.

- I have a beautiful daughter.
- I completed a program of study, though not exactly "college" in the sense my mother would have liked, but college nonetheless.
- I'm doing what I love to do and am able to provide for myself and my daughter by doing just that.
- I've met a man that I can't wait to spend the rest of my life loving.

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Only 94 days till I walk down a petal-covered aisle in a pretty white dress in front of our closest friends and family to marry the most amazing man I have ever met.

For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no apprehensions about getting married. No distrust, doubt or second guessing. No worries about our ability to communicate with one another. No concerns about not having enough in common. No questions about his reliability, commitment and dedication to our marriage, to me and most importantly to my daughter. It all just makes perfect sense.

- April 9th, 2011 can not get here fast enough...

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Resolutions??? - Eh, not so much. - More like "Goals for the New Year." I function better that way anyhow.

~ First and foremost, I want to spend more time PLAYING with my daughter & my soon-to-be husband and less time working feverishly.

~ I WILL pass both parts of my state board exam with flying colors.

~ I would LOVE to find a comfy place for Alan, Emmy and I to call "Home" by the end of February, if not sooner.

~ I WILL lose 30lbs, tone up these flabby arms and fit into my skinny jeans by April.

~ I want to write and paint more frequently.

~ I would like to start having dinner & movie nights with friends again.

In closing, I simply want to be happy, content and able to worry less over things I can't control while continuing to strive to better myself in every way possible.

I am so, so excited to see what wonderful things 2011 has in store for me!